Lions - You become a muscle car auctioneer and also get a free abandoned house courtesy of downtown Detroit
Jets - Lead a chant where the fans spell your name then repeat it three times then everyone wishes they were raised as a fan of the other team in town and you get to choose a loved one to have Brett Favre text an explicit photo to
Rams - Perform a sermon directed by Kurt Warner
Raiders - Find an opposing fan to act as a sacrificial lamb (impaled by shoulder pad spikes) and Neil deGrasse Tyson will explain to you what an actual black hole is before being swallowed up by the Raiders' black hole
Seahawks - You get a giant fish hucked at you by an unknown assailant although it was probably that dude in yellow overalls looking around suspiciously in the first row also you have to chug a cold brew coffee and strum an air guitar solo that would make Jimi Hendrix’s afro swirl in the wind
49ers - You get to create a dating app for non-NFL players in stark contrast to the dating app that is incredibly popular among NFL circles called Hailing Marys
Cardinals - You get to dive into a Slip N Slide while taking a shot of Fireball also Larry Fitzgerald will braid your hair while teaching you how to properly triangle catch a spiral
Packers - Lambeau Leap also spin the giant wheel of cheese fortune and you get to choose a loved one to have Brett Favre text an explicit photo to
Bears - Star in an SNL skit and learn how to sculpt a mustache from Mike Ditka also Mike Singletary will yell at you
Vikings - Pantomime having a funeral on a boat that’s on fire with three of your favorite teammates and your least favorite teammate (the one who will be on fire) also you get to direct an episode of the popular drama, Vikings, and you get to choose a loved one to have Brett Favre text an explicit photo to
Bucs - You get to choose a handful of lucky fans to get blasted out of the pirate ship canons and you get a bushel of free crab legs from an unknown source
Panthers - You get to raid Cam Newton’s wardrobe for your favorite fedora, scarf and bow tie combo
Saints - Drew Brees will administer you NyQuil as you toss and turn while an overhead camera conveniently films you trying to sleep also Alvin Kamara will secretely pierce your nose after the NyQuil kicks in
Falcons - You get to be a trap rapping NASCAR fan also you get to adopt one of the Michael Vick dogs
Redskins - You get to rename the franchise and have the first dance with a Hogette of your choice
Eagles - You get to chuck a six pack of Duracells at the opposing coach (except his headset is out of batteries so it’s actually a Good Samaritan gesture)
Giants - You get to decide that you don’t want to go to the franchise that drafted you number one overall
Cowboys - Jerry Jones will take you on his pontoon also you get to get a haircut after Michael Irvin instead of before him and Emmitt Smith will turn your hair grayer than Liam Neeson in a movie where he battles a colony of wolves
Chiefs - Andy Reid will swaddle you cozily in his ski jumpsuit
Broncos - Peyton Manning will teach you how to be a spokesperson and disassociate from a business when their CEO becomes embroiled in controversy
Chargers - You get to draft someone number one overall and they decide that they don’t want to play for you also Phillip Rivers will gift you his most charming bolo tie
Ravens - You will be acquitted of a murder charge and a less significant deer antler spray accusation
Bengals - You get to shoot up your favorite strip club with Pac-Man Jones after your ACL is tragically shattered in your first playoff game also you have to be a judge at every chili cook off you attend until 2024
Browns - You get to take the dog pound for a walk around the field but you have to pick up their excrement which is a lot because tailgating
Steelers - You get to sit down and listen to a long lecture about how great the history of your franchise is as well as that of the entire city and their sports teams but unfortunately after the game you will be confined to a local coal mine with a Thai soccer team and your least favorite judge from American Idol (Seacrest is on the table; Seacrest is always on the table)
Jaguars - You have to convince Blake Bortles that he is a legitimate NFL quarterback (when I typed in “Bortles” it autocorrected to “aborted” which is like the fifth Omen movie)
Texans - You get to wear a Houston Oilers jersey for the rest of the game and the fur coat that Bum Phillips was buried in
Titans - You get to wear a Houston Oilers jersey for the rest of the game and the fur coat that Bum Phillips was buried in
Colts - Andrew Luck will teach you how to talk like Shaq’s bodyguard and Jim Caldwell will stare at you blankly to let you know how proud of you he is also you get to shotgun the ceremonial Bud Light at the next Indy 500
Dolphins - The 1972 Dolphins team will serve up a soufflé of insults as they watch the game from the past
Patriots - You get to give Tom Brady’s hair a little tussle and receive a complimentary pair of Bill Belichick's (non) game-worn sleeves also you get to ice Gronk
Bills - You get to get traded to a team in a warm climate and never have to return to Buffalo, not even when your new team travels there to play them, that's your personal bye week
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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