10. Mr. Furious (Mystery Men) - Stiller leads a cast of misfit superheroes in this easily forgotten bizarro Suicide Squad '90s flick.
9. David Starsky (Starsky & Hutch) - Stiller plays Starsky to Owen Wilson's Hutch in this microwaved Hollywood leftover. Really, Hollywood? You couldn't come up with a different buddy cop movie idea that hadn't already been burnt? Shame on you, Hollywood. For shame.
8. Roger Greenberg (Greenberg) - Stiller is the main cog of this low key hipster love song. Check it out if you want to know how to meekly socialize with the opposite sex at a casual mixer while dressed like your favorite '80s movie star (Marty McFly, duh).
7. Walter Mitty (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty) - Watching this movie is like spelunking into a R.E.I. catalog while listening to Dave Matthews, wearing horn-rimmed glasses without lenses, and drinking a kale and chocolate chip mocha. Also, you have an ironic greyhound dog (it's wearing a bus driver uniform).
6. Chas Tenenbaum (The Royal Tenenbaums) - Red track suited, freshly jheri curled, with a face full of mania, Stiller is a ball of fury in this ensemble comedy.
5. Greg Focker (Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, Little Fockers) - A joke about a man being a nurse stretched into a trilogy of pain. Jinxy cat, the Jalen Rose of celebrity felines, inspired a generation of namesakes.
4. Larry Daley (Night at the Museum, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb) - This movie is a metaphor for life. Sleepwalk through the days and everything seems dull, half dead. Use your imagination and the night will light up your world. This is the series to check out if you want to see milk come out of Genghis Khan's nose because he's laughing so hard.
3. Tugg Speedman (Tropic Thunder) - Stiller goes boldly where no man has ever dared in this hilarious romp. Huge explosions, lost TiVos, dancing T-Cruise, coked out Jack Black, Robert Downey Sammy Davis Jr... This movie's got it all.
2. Derek Zoolander (Zoolander, Zoolander 2) - Star of the eponymous franchise, Derek Zoolander is eerily clairvoyant of the Kardashianized country we have built. Zoolander would certainly be insta-famous if the app had existed in 2001. His life is one long Snapchat story.
1. White Goodman (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story) - Hands down the most quotable, lovable, hateable, polarizing, de-Polar (cap) Icing character of all time. Globo Gym emperor, rival of the despised Average Joe's, will not rest until he is done with this set of calf raises. Yeah, that's right he's been doing calf raises this whole time, you didn't notice? White Goodman's calves look like they are trying to escape his body and move to Phoenix to retire. Then, when the left calf is very old and sick, lying on her deathbed, a single tear will drop from her calf face. And she will look at right calf, waiting patiently by her side, and ask if this was everything he had ever hoped for. And the right calf will playfully razz her, saying that he never had a choice but to be with her. And when she shuts her calf eyes for the final time, he will look out into the great beyond and below to the heavens. Why her, why not him first? Why does it have to be this way? What did he do to deserve all that has happened to him in this life? What is it that we are searching, he asks nobody. Then he hops home, calf face trained on the ground, calf eyes still misty. He thinks about the time left calf got hit right in the face by an errant soccer ball. He chuckles to himself. Left calf may be gone, but her memories will always be with him. He carries that in his calf pocket like a lucky charm. Some people look at a glass of water and say it half full. He says it's calf full.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Why Sports Matter
So, sports don't matter? Tell that to the seventeen year old kid from the wrong side of the tracks who is trying to make it in life. This isn't such a sure thing. He lives with his grandmother since his mother has ditched the family and he has never met his father. His two older brothers have been in and out of the prison system for slinging drugs. He probably would have gone down the same path if it weren't for his commitment to his football team as well as his future. Before he joined the team when he was 13, he struggled mightily with his academics, constantly falling asleep in class, that is if he showed up at all. But that won't fly anymore, now that he's on the football team he has to maintain a 2.5 gpa to be able to participate. Odds are he never would have made it to college, probably wouldn't have even visited if it weren't for the stack of letters his coach had received from interested coaches. After discussing what would be the best option for him and his family with his coach, the player settles on the University of Michigan and a shot at being paid millions to play the game he loves. Without football carving a path through his life, he might have been a CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a lawyer. Or he could have ended up like his two older brothers. We'll never know. What we do know is sports made him strong.
Still don't think sports matter? Consider the middle aged stock broker who is going through a mid life crisis. He has problems communicating with his wife and children, his boss doesn't respect him, and he hates his job. The only thing that gets him through each day is knowing that a Sportscenter and a cold one are waiting for him in his den. Ah, the den. Where he can be king of his domain, where his wife can't yell at him to wash the dishes or take out the trash. His time in the den is a time to relive his past glorious sports memories. The time he led his basketball team to a state championship by scoring 14 points in the last three minutes of the final game? Just flashed before his eyes as highlights of that night's Clippers-Bulls game showed. It's good to be king.
Well, you're a tough cookie on this whole sports issue, aren't you? Have you thought about the 12 year old girl who's father only seems to be around when her softball team is playing? No her family isn't poor and Dad didn't skip out on them, he has to travel constantly for work. He uses the one or two days off a week that he can get to coach his daughter's softball team. They are the best in the city after going nearly undefeated last year. He is a proud coach and an even prouder father. He brags to the other dads that his daughter learned how to pitch at a Jenny Finch summer camp. He tells his co-workers about his daughter making the all star team and throwing a complete game shutout in the championship. She knows that her father has to travel to work to provide for her family but she still wishes he could be around more. It just makes the days that he is able to be around for he games that much sweeter. Game days have taken on a new significance in her life as they are now connected with thoughts of spending time with her father. Years later, after her playing days are over and since Dad has passed, she harkens back to her halcyon softball playing days. A single tear comes down her face before she gathers herself, making sure not to lose it in front of her own daughter. They get in the car and drive to softball practice.
Being the mascot of a college team is a sweaty, thankless job. 'Butch', the Washington State Cougar mascot, peels his eyes open and rolls over to glance at his alarm clock which reads 8:56 am. It's Saturday and gametime is 7 pm. Butch hops out of bed and does thirty push-ups before making bacon and eggs for breakfast. He has a quiet morning of watching college football while studying for his upcoming Biology exam. At about 1:30, Butch goes to the student recreational center to run on the treadmill and lift weights. It's a lonely existence, being the student mascot. He is unable to tell anyone he meets at the university what he is doing in his spare time. He hasn't even told his parents about his true identity, per the university mascot guidelines. Butch arrives back at his apartment at about 3 to shower, eat, and do his pre-game routine. He has to be at the stadium to interact with tailgaters at 4. Butch gets dressed in his usual shorts and tank top before taking a shot of Jack Daniels and heading to the mascot locker room. After suiting up, Butch steps into the outside world, a masked man. He is no longer an inividual who has wants and needs. As Butch, his desires have become melded with those of WSU students and fans. He represents a larger being. He is the great connector, the almighty maven, the connoisseur of crowds. Without sports, Butch is just like every other student at the university. When he puts on that mascot head, he finds himself, his true id. Days when he gets to wear the head are the best because he can mask his true emotions, which he has always had trouble sharing with others. Hiding in the cougar head, he can dance like no one is watching because in a way, no one is.
Still not convinced that sports mean something? Perhaps you have a sweet spot for old ladies who scan tickets at your favorite sporting event. The one who's husband passed away a few years ago. His favorite team was the Chicago Bears. Now, as a way of remembering and honoring her fallen husband, the nice widow makes the 40 minute drive to Soldier Field eight Sundays every Autumn. The smell of the stadium food, her chilled breath in the air, the family of five sitting together in her section- everything about this place reminds her of her husband. She considers these home games as quality time spent together with him. In a way it is, since she spread his ashes on the sideline her first day when no one was looking. It was her way of thanking him for always being there. And now he always will be there, at Soldier Field, with the woman and team he loved, eight Sundays every Autumn. Sundays are her favorite days. They were his, too.
Friday, September 23, 2016
The 10 Best Will Ferrell Characters
10. Mustafa (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me) - Ferrell's breakout role comes as the wacky henchman who refuses to die. This character's goofy obliviousness would lay the outline for the rest of Ferrell's comedic career. The beating he takes is emblematic of what it's like to be someone trying to make it in Hollywood. You may get thrown off a mountain but it's all about how you bounce back.
9. Chazz Michael Michaels (Blades of Glory) - Ferrell shows off his figure skating chops in this underrated comedy. The movie got good reviews for the most part except for the Russian judges.
8. Chazz Reinhold (Wedding Crashers) - Bathrobed, with three day stubble, and a penchant for meatloaf (not the singer), Ferrell is walking Mountain Dew in this hilarious comedy caper.
7. Buddy (Elf) - This is your step sister's favorite Will Ferrell movie and you are starting to get tired of watching it twice every Christmas. At least this character didn't spawn a generation of weird guys at the mall dressed in a full elf outfit in the middle of July. Oh, wait.
6. Mugatu (Zoolander, Zoolander 2) - Not to be confused with Mustafa, this is Mugatu, the fashion frenzied, lap dog loving, white chocolate cappuccino of a man.
5. Detective Allen Gamble (The Other Guys) - Ferrell is a more reserved, laid back version of himself, the straight man to Mark Wahlberg's peacock induced madness.
4. Brennan Huff (Step Brothers) - Ferrell plays a somewhat developmentally delayed 40 year old man child in this sleeper, cult classic. Comedy sparring with John C. Reilly, this film is a glimpse into what it might be like to be in eighth grade once and never change that mindset. Your life is one long Shark Week, interspersed with episodes of Cops.
3. Frank 'the Tank' (Old School) - Frank 'the Tank' is a beloved Will Ferrell character and will be enshrined in the memories of those who have witnessed his glory. We all have a Frank 'the Tank' inside our hearts, sometimes locked away with the key hidden in one of the bushes by the fence, but you can't remember which one. When you suffocate the tank, as Frank does in his personal life, there is only one thing that can result from this. One of these nights you will let your guard down and the tank will ram its way through the walls and over the moat, storming the castle of your id. Then you will only be left to witness the path of destruction that is laid down by the mighty tank.
2. Ricky Bobby (Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby) - There's a moment in this film when Ricky Bobby's rascal father tries to get him to drive with a tiger to calm his fears of racing. Since Ricky is so distracted by the tiger in the backseat of his car, he all but forgets about his fears and struggles with driving. Sometimes I feel like I have a tiger in the backseat of my conscience, clawing at my seat and breathing down my neck. It's a privilege to have this tiger, though, because what else would you want in the backseat of your conscience? A peacock? The only way to get anything accomplished in this world is to have the tiger in your backseat because then you know for sure you'll never fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Ron Burgundy (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) - I am Ron Burgundy? This is a question so complex, so intricate in its reach, it should be discussed at every major international meeting of significance. Are you Ron Burgundy? Why does Ron Burgundy not know that he, in fact, is Ron Burgundy? Maybe he is embarrassed by his choices that he has made in life up to that point. There was the time in 4th grade when he cheated off Billy Medina's geography quiz. The time he left Julie Yaeger at the 11th grade homecoming dance because he thought he had a chance with Chelsea Fuller. The time he let Baxter eat a whole wheel of cheese (although, to be fair, he was more impressed than anything). We have all ditched a Julie Yaeger for a Chelsea Fuller at some point in our lives. Mistakes will be made, but that doesn't mean that regret is necessary. We cannot let our misteps define who we are or interfere in the least with our character. We will not let the mistakes that we have made in our long lives shake the self image of what we believe ourself to be. I am Ron Burgundy? No, I am Ron Burgundy. You are Ron Burgundy. We are all Ron Burgundy.
9. Chazz Michael Michaels (Blades of Glory) - Ferrell shows off his figure skating chops in this underrated comedy. The movie got good reviews for the most part except for the Russian judges.
8. Chazz Reinhold (Wedding Crashers) - Bathrobed, with three day stubble, and a penchant for meatloaf (not the singer), Ferrell is walking Mountain Dew in this hilarious comedy caper.
7. Buddy (Elf) - This is your step sister's favorite Will Ferrell movie and you are starting to get tired of watching it twice every Christmas. At least this character didn't spawn a generation of weird guys at the mall dressed in a full elf outfit in the middle of July. Oh, wait.
6. Mugatu (Zoolander, Zoolander 2) - Not to be confused with Mustafa, this is Mugatu, the fashion frenzied, lap dog loving, white chocolate cappuccino of a man.
5. Detective Allen Gamble (The Other Guys) - Ferrell is a more reserved, laid back version of himself, the straight man to Mark Wahlberg's peacock induced madness.
4. Brennan Huff (Step Brothers) - Ferrell plays a somewhat developmentally delayed 40 year old man child in this sleeper, cult classic. Comedy sparring with John C. Reilly, this film is a glimpse into what it might be like to be in eighth grade once and never change that mindset. Your life is one long Shark Week, interspersed with episodes of Cops.
3. Frank 'the Tank' (Old School) - Frank 'the Tank' is a beloved Will Ferrell character and will be enshrined in the memories of those who have witnessed his glory. We all have a Frank 'the Tank' inside our hearts, sometimes locked away with the key hidden in one of the bushes by the fence, but you can't remember which one. When you suffocate the tank, as Frank does in his personal life, there is only one thing that can result from this. One of these nights you will let your guard down and the tank will ram its way through the walls and over the moat, storming the castle of your id. Then you will only be left to witness the path of destruction that is laid down by the mighty tank.
2. Ricky Bobby (Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby) - There's a moment in this film when Ricky Bobby's rascal father tries to get him to drive with a tiger to calm his fears of racing. Since Ricky is so distracted by the tiger in the backseat of his car, he all but forgets about his fears and struggles with driving. Sometimes I feel like I have a tiger in the backseat of my conscience, clawing at my seat and breathing down my neck. It's a privilege to have this tiger, though, because what else would you want in the backseat of your conscience? A peacock? The only way to get anything accomplished in this world is to have the tiger in your backseat because then you know for sure you'll never fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Ron Burgundy (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) - I am Ron Burgundy? This is a question so complex, so intricate in its reach, it should be discussed at every major international meeting of significance. Are you Ron Burgundy? Why does Ron Burgundy not know that he, in fact, is Ron Burgundy? Maybe he is embarrassed by his choices that he has made in life up to that point. There was the time in 4th grade when he cheated off Billy Medina's geography quiz. The time he left Julie Yaeger at the 11th grade homecoming dance because he thought he had a chance with Chelsea Fuller. The time he let Baxter eat a whole wheel of cheese (although, to be fair, he was more impressed than anything). We have all ditched a Julie Yaeger for a Chelsea Fuller at some point in our lives. Mistakes will be made, but that doesn't mean that regret is necessary. We cannot let our misteps define who we are or interfere in the least with our character. We will not let the mistakes that we have made in our long lives shake the self image of what we believe ourself to be. I am Ron Burgundy? No, I am Ron Burgundy. You are Ron Burgundy. We are all Ron Burgundy.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
The 10 Best Matthew McConaughey Characters
10. Ed (EDtv) - McConaughey is a regular, chill dude in this '90s flick. He wants nothing more than a six pack, a pizza, and good VHS to pass an afternoon. The only problem is McConaughey is trapped in an alternate, Big Brother universe. As you can see he's at a crossroads in his life.
9. Ben 'Finn' Finnegan (Fool's Gold) - Still in pre-McConaissance mode, Matty Matt drifts away on an island of jet skis, Tommy Bahama shirts, and broken dreams.
8. Jack Lengyel (We Are Marshall) - McConaughey comes on strong here as the inspirational coach of the shaken football team. He also points at things with his thumb which I think is pretty cool.
7. Dirk Pitt (Sahara) - Bonus points for the country singer handle here. McConaughey is buried in a pile of dirt in this movie, they should have called him Dirt Pitt. Unless there's a real desert explorer guy named Dirk Pitt that this character is based on, in which case I would like to apologize to the entire Pitt family. Actually, that sounds like the kind of job that Brad Pitt's brother might do- someone get on that. If you hate showers, this is the movie for you.
6. Mud (Mud) - Similar to his previous character, presenting more grubby McConaughey. He's in his element here- living on an island, broken relationships, hasn't showered in months. I'm not so sure the directors weren't just filming island McConaughey skipping rocks and cracking coconuts when he wasn't paying attention.
5. Ron Woodruff (Dallas Buyers Club) - A power play in the midst of the McConaissance, Matty Matt drops the hammer on all of us here. When he won the Oscar for this, his adroitness at shifting to and fro third person brought forth memories of great ones like Shaq and Dr. J.
4. Cooper (Interstellar) - This is your second cousin's favorite McConaughey offering. A strange, dark trip, this is not the movie to watch if you are about to drive by a cornfield or go camping or go camping in a cornfield.
3. Rick Peck (Tropic Thunder) - McConaughey is a man on a mission in this hilarious, star studded affair. The mission? To find that TiVo. The look his face when he rescues this device is priceless- a mix of every human emotion. It was one of the finest acting performances McConaughey has dropped on us since he crawled out of that pile of dirt and into our hearts.
2. Mark Hanna (The Wolf of Wall Street) - We all remember McConaughey's iconic, stirring cameo in this Monopoly game of a movie. Thudding his chest and humming softly, McConaughey may not realize it but he is metaphorically channeling his career's work. Like a metronome, he has slowly, methodically dug his way into our subconscious, like a hummingbird tapping into a tree. Tom Cruise karate chops that tree down before you can say ghost protocol. Or he drives a motorcycle through it.
1. David Wooderson (Dazed and Confused) - Bizarrely, the introduction of McConaughey is also him at the peak of his powers. Wooderson is a role that inspired a generation of sleezebags, though he is creepily endearing. Matty Matt wrote Moby Dick with three "Alrights" in this movie.
9. Ben 'Finn' Finnegan (Fool's Gold) - Still in pre-McConaissance mode, Matty Matt drifts away on an island of jet skis, Tommy Bahama shirts, and broken dreams.
8. Jack Lengyel (We Are Marshall) - McConaughey comes on strong here as the inspirational coach of the shaken football team. He also points at things with his thumb which I think is pretty cool.
7. Dirk Pitt (Sahara) - Bonus points for the country singer handle here. McConaughey is buried in a pile of dirt in this movie, they should have called him Dirt Pitt. Unless there's a real desert explorer guy named Dirk Pitt that this character is based on, in which case I would like to apologize to the entire Pitt family. Actually, that sounds like the kind of job that Brad Pitt's brother might do- someone get on that. If you hate showers, this is the movie for you.
6. Mud (Mud) - Similar to his previous character, presenting more grubby McConaughey. He's in his element here- living on an island, broken relationships, hasn't showered in months. I'm not so sure the directors weren't just filming island McConaughey skipping rocks and cracking coconuts when he wasn't paying attention.
5. Ron Woodruff (Dallas Buyers Club) - A power play in the midst of the McConaissance, Matty Matt drops the hammer on all of us here. When he won the Oscar for this, his adroitness at shifting to and fro third person brought forth memories of great ones like Shaq and Dr. J.
4. Cooper (Interstellar) - This is your second cousin's favorite McConaughey offering. A strange, dark trip, this is not the movie to watch if you are about to drive by a cornfield or go camping or go camping in a cornfield.
3. Rick Peck (Tropic Thunder) - McConaughey is a man on a mission in this hilarious, star studded affair. The mission? To find that TiVo. The look his face when he rescues this device is priceless- a mix of every human emotion. It was one of the finest acting performances McConaughey has dropped on us since he crawled out of that pile of dirt and into our hearts.
2. Mark Hanna (The Wolf of Wall Street) - We all remember McConaughey's iconic, stirring cameo in this Monopoly game of a movie. Thudding his chest and humming softly, McConaughey may not realize it but he is metaphorically channeling his career's work. Like a metronome, he has slowly, methodically dug his way into our subconscious, like a hummingbird tapping into a tree. Tom Cruise karate chops that tree down before you can say ghost protocol. Or he drives a motorcycle through it.
1. David Wooderson (Dazed and Confused) - Bizarrely, the introduction of McConaughey is also him at the peak of his powers. Wooderson is a role that inspired a generation of sleezebags, though he is creepily endearing. Matty Matt wrote Moby Dick with three "Alrights" in this movie.
Why We Love Stranger Things
We love Stranger Things. Netflix hit it out of the park with this one. Eight binge worthy episodes later, we are left waiting for season two to drop on us like an anvil. But why do we love this show? It's not particularly creative, funny, or groundbreaking. Perhaps this is why we love it- because it is nothing special, yet one of a kind all at once. A puzzle wrapped in an enigma stuffed in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
We live in a society that is constantly putting us in a box, telling us who we are and how we should feel. Before social media existed, people actually lived to exist with the people around them. Now that our society has been inundated with the inner web, deconstructing and determining our every move, we have lost a certain freedom. The freedom to just be- be who you are without worrying about the Snapchat ghost constantly hovering above your shoulder.
What makes Stranger Things so great is that it is not judgmental. This is The Breakfast Club of TV shows. It doesn't tell us how we should feel- the show is too busy having a blast to tell anyone what to do. It simply unleashes a land of nostalgia that operates as an olive branch to the audience. This olive branch is telling us to relax and enjoy the nighttime bike ride.
Stranger Things is a very intricate series yet hits all the broad strokes. There's the main kid, with his friends and family. There's the good cop and the evil guy with slicked back gray hair. He's supposed to be the enemy because- just look at him. He looks like he's plotting to steal the last turkey from the homeless shelter on Thanksgiving. But the show is not so black and white. Life is not black and white. It's gray. Like this guy's slicked back, neatly combed matte of hair. So who's the enemy then if it's not this slick guy? All of us. We are all the enemy. There's a monster in each and every one of us, clawing at our walls. Some people can suffocate the monster, others fall victim to its heinous ways. It's not all bad, though. We're not just the slick gray wolf, we are also the hero cop, the frightened mother, and the bullied brother. Each character in this show is a representative of a different facet of who we are as people. There's an inner war going on every day inside all of us, monsters fighting hero cops. Craziness you say? All I know is I've seen Stranger Things.
We live in a society that is constantly putting us in a box, telling us who we are and how we should feel. Before social media existed, people actually lived to exist with the people around them. Now that our society has been inundated with the inner web, deconstructing and determining our every move, we have lost a certain freedom. The freedom to just be- be who you are without worrying about the Snapchat ghost constantly hovering above your shoulder.
What makes Stranger Things so great is that it is not judgmental. This is The Breakfast Club of TV shows. It doesn't tell us how we should feel- the show is too busy having a blast to tell anyone what to do. It simply unleashes a land of nostalgia that operates as an olive branch to the audience. This olive branch is telling us to relax and enjoy the nighttime bike ride.
Stranger Things is a very intricate series yet hits all the broad strokes. There's the main kid, with his friends and family. There's the good cop and the evil guy with slicked back gray hair. He's supposed to be the enemy because- just look at him. He looks like he's plotting to steal the last turkey from the homeless shelter on Thanksgiving. But the show is not so black and white. Life is not black and white. It's gray. Like this guy's slicked back, neatly combed matte of hair. So who's the enemy then if it's not this slick guy? All of us. We are all the enemy. There's a monster in each and every one of us, clawing at our walls. Some people can suffocate the monster, others fall victim to its heinous ways. It's not all bad, though. We're not just the slick gray wolf, we are also the hero cop, the frightened mother, and the bullied brother. Each character in this show is a representative of a different facet of who we are as people. There's an inner war going on every day inside all of us, monsters fighting hero cops. Craziness you say? All I know is I've seen Stranger Things.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
The 10 Best Mark Wahlberg Characters
10. Jim Bennett (The Gambler) - The audience is introduced to sensitive Wahlberg here- an aimless English professor who can't seem to get his life on track. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like seeing suited men sporting colorful umbrellas.
9. John Bennett (Ted, Ted 2) - More aimless Wahlberg here, but this is more of a grounded version Wahlberg than the academic Bennett he plays in the previous film. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like seeing unemployed guys hanging out with their teddy bear.
8. Tommy Corn (I Heart Huckabees) - This is hipster Wahlberg at his finest, environmentally friendly and willing to talk out his problems like a rational human. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like seeing American Apparelized Wahlberg chain himself to a tree.
7. Bob Lee Swagger (Shooter) - This is 'Merica Wahlberg at the top of his game. With a backwards baseball cap, a wad of Copenhagen in his cheek, and the Stars and Stripes running through his veins, Wahlberg is cold blooded here. This is a good movie for you to watch if you love this country.
6. Dignam (The Departed) - Boston Wahlberg is back at his roots, with the Southie turned up to eleven. It's hard to stand out in this star crossed film, unless your name rhymes with Shark Shalberg. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like black hats.
5. Micky Ward (The Fighter) - More Southie Wahlberg here, this time the boxing type. While he shines in this movie, the real stars are his numerous sisters. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like seeing Christian Bale's skeleton.
4. Vince Papale (Invincible) - Philly Wahlberg here, he is at his most inspirational in this movie about a civilian walking onto the Philadelphia Eagles. This is also Football Wahlberg in his prime as well as "Don't you dare count me out, do you know who I am? My name is Mark Wahlberg and I cannot be stopped" Wahlberg. This is a good movie for you to watch if you are about to try out for something.
3. Detective Terry Holtz (The Other Guys) - Peacock Wahlberg is going at it here, comedy sparring with Will Ferrell. Wahlberg is hilarious in this film, easily his funniest role on the big screen. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like buddy cop comedies that don't go by the book.
2. Holbrooke (Date Night) - When Shirtless Wahlberg shows up in this comedy and makes Steve Carrell look like a dork in front of Tina Fey, it is incredible. Carrell is made to feel embarrassed, frightened, and turned on all in a matter of seconds when Buff Wahlberg walks into his life and onto the screen. This is a good movie for you to watch if you think Tina Fey and Steve Carrell look like parents at a PTA meeting.
1. Mark Wahlberg (Entourage) - This is Mark Wahlberg at his finest, in the role he was born to play- Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg Wahlberg is at his Wahlbergest here, as he cameos in the film based on the HBO show based on his life. This is a good movie for you to watch if you want to see if Turtle has lost as much weight as Christian Bale in The Fighter.
9. John Bennett (Ted, Ted 2) - More aimless Wahlberg here, but this is more of a grounded version Wahlberg than the academic Bennett he plays in the previous film. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like seeing unemployed guys hanging out with their teddy bear.
8. Tommy Corn (I Heart Huckabees) - This is hipster Wahlberg at his finest, environmentally friendly and willing to talk out his problems like a rational human. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like seeing American Apparelized Wahlberg chain himself to a tree.
7. Bob Lee Swagger (Shooter) - This is 'Merica Wahlberg at the top of his game. With a backwards baseball cap, a wad of Copenhagen in his cheek, and the Stars and Stripes running through his veins, Wahlberg is cold blooded here. This is a good movie for you to watch if you love this country.
6. Dignam (The Departed) - Boston Wahlberg is back at his roots, with the Southie turned up to eleven. It's hard to stand out in this star crossed film, unless your name rhymes with Shark Shalberg. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like black hats.
5. Micky Ward (The Fighter) - More Southie Wahlberg here, this time the boxing type. While he shines in this movie, the real stars are his numerous sisters. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like seeing Christian Bale's skeleton.
4. Vince Papale (Invincible) - Philly Wahlberg here, he is at his most inspirational in this movie about a civilian walking onto the Philadelphia Eagles. This is also Football Wahlberg in his prime as well as "Don't you dare count me out, do you know who I am? My name is Mark Wahlberg and I cannot be stopped" Wahlberg. This is a good movie for you to watch if you are about to try out for something.
3. Detective Terry Holtz (The Other Guys) - Peacock Wahlberg is going at it here, comedy sparring with Will Ferrell. Wahlberg is hilarious in this film, easily his funniest role on the big screen. This is a good movie for you to watch if you like buddy cop comedies that don't go by the book.
2. Holbrooke (Date Night) - When Shirtless Wahlberg shows up in this comedy and makes Steve Carrell look like a dork in front of Tina Fey, it is incredible. Carrell is made to feel embarrassed, frightened, and turned on all in a matter of seconds when Buff Wahlberg walks into his life and onto the screen. This is a good movie for you to watch if you think Tina Fey and Steve Carrell look like parents at a PTA meeting.
1. Mark Wahlberg (Entourage) - This is Mark Wahlberg at his finest, in the role he was born to play- Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg Wahlberg is at his Wahlbergest here, as he cameos in the film based on the HBO show based on his life. This is a good movie for you to watch if you want to see if Turtle has lost as much weight as Christian Bale in The Fighter.
Lebron James is the Pablo Escobar of the NBA
It's the Lebron takeover. The King isn't done yet. What Lebron, Kyrie, and the Cleveland crew were able to pull off against a vaunted Warriors team last year was stupid. Down 3-1 in the Finals, Lebron said "Not so fast." Then he chugged a couple of raw eggs and shadow boxed a cardboard cutout of Steph Curry. Lebron clowned the Warriors in the Finals like that 13 year old kid with the peach fuzz and pencil mustache draining corner threes over winded 12 year olds. Then the kid does the Carmelo three point celebration where he hits himself in the head and gets a technical for taunting the opponent. So the coach takes the 13 year old out, who is already having a rough week after his dog has recently died and he has had trouble coping with the loss. Not to mention he has always had trouble fitting in at school since he was held back in first grade. He curses his genes on a nightly basis, having provided him with such mature facial hair. So after the game, the kid stays late in the gym and shoots for hours because the sound of the bouncing ball is the only thing that can make him forget his worries.
Narcos is a dangerous show. Pablo Escobar is a dangerous man. He is a good character to star as the leading character of such a show. There's a scene in an episode late in season one where Pablo Escobar (spoiler alert (that is if you were not aware that Pablo Escobar is a very dangerous man, which you should be since I forewarned you)) dismantles an enemy with a pool stick. This show is not for the light of heart. The moment where Pablo eliminates his opponent with recreational sport equipment is the equivalent of Lebron's block of Andre Igoudala in Game 7. Pablo did a conniving thing here with the eventual victim of his pool stick attack- he tricked him into thinking he was free, let off the hook. If this sounds familiar it's because Igoudala and the Warriors are the pool stick victim and Lebron is Pablo Escobar. Up 3-1 in the series, Golden State thought they were home free, as did Igoudala when he raced to the hoop for the finish late in Game 7. Then, Lebron and behold, number 23 came blurring across the court. It seems like it took the King two steps to reach the hoop from half court as he skied to wipe away Igoudala attempt at the rim. Much like Escobar, Lebron is out here killing fools.
Besides the brash pool stick related antics, Escobar has a quiet air of superiority. As he strolls around his various compounds, hand firmly tucked into his belt, calmly ordering around his henchmen, there is a certain sadness to his ways. It's as if he knows that he is putting his family in danger through his actions, yet he knows no other way to show his affection for them. He is decisive in his orders, having enemies knocked off left and right, but Escobar knows that these decisions will eventually come back to haunt him and his loved ones. The other shoe is a dark cloud that hangs over Escobar in a quotidian fashion, always waiting around the next corner.
Lebron is certainly not as down and out as Escobar, but he does have a dark cloud hanging over his every move. This dark cloud wore number 23 and played for the Chicago Bulls, as Lebron has alluded to with Sports Illustrated. Will Lebron ever be able to shake this cloud and make it to the light? This is a debate that will rage on for decades after his retirement, depending on how many more rings he can capture. There is a moment in Narcos when Escobar stares into the green, luscious countryside, as if he cannot believe the rewards he has reaped from it. He has such a deep, intimate relationship with the Columbian soil and people- the ultimate loyalty to a country. He has been exiled to other countries only to return home once again, stronger and more powerful than ever. Does this remind you of a certain basketball player from Akron that wears number 23?
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
The 10 Best Matt Damon Characters
10. Bob (Stuck on You) - Damon can't seem to get away from Greg Kinnear in this ill-fated Farrelly brothers romp. Like he's literally stuck to him, if you didn't figure out already from the cryptic title. Oh boy.
9. Linus Caldwell (Ocean's Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen) - I'm sure Damon is great in this trilogy but he is drowning in a sea of A list actors. Get it?
8. Loki (Dogma) - A '90s Kevin Smith religious flick that Damon shows up in with his ol' buddy Affleck. I can't remember a thing about this movie except that Chris Rock yelled some stuff. Or maybe he was just talking.
7. Mark Whitacre (The Informant!) - This is a fun little role for Damon where he got the chance to stretch his talents (and waistband). He's a straight putz in this movie and he plays it great.
6. Dr. Mann (Interstellar) - Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen this old movie: Damon is an a-hole in this movie which is why this character ranks below Mark Watney. I like to think that Damon getting stranded on Mars is somewhat payback from the universe for his betrayal in Interstellar.
5. Mark Watney (The Martian) - Wow does Mark Watney love science! This is a lot of one on one Damon, skyping old friends back on earth through his computer. You'll get to know him intimately, his favorite things to do on Mars, what he likes to grow and eat. This movie is like a long SNL digital short where Matt Damon gets stuck on Mars. Jimmy Kimmel gives apologies to Matt Damon for getting stuck on Mars.
4. Private James Ryan (Saving Private Ryan) - I would say Damon was great in this but I seem to remember Tom Hanks being the star who led everyone to find Private Ryan. Was Damon even in this movie for twenty minutes? If he was, the spotlight was being stolen by America's dad, Tom "Sully" Hanks.
3. Colin Sullivan (The Departed) - Now we are really getting down to it. This is Damon at his best- nitty, gritty, not afraid to fight, cloaked in a thick Boston accent. Nicholson and Leo may steal most of the best scenes in the movie but Damon embodies everything it stands for- being a tough Southie mo'fo.
2. Will Hunting (Good Will Hunting) - This is the classic Damon-Affleck dynamic at its best. Damon is on point as a brilliant janitor. My favorite part about this movie is the late Robin Williams' persistent obsession with the young Will Hunting's genius. He spends many an off hour discussing with his colleague how he can connect with the young man and share his intelligence with the world. He cares more about this janitor than his own students. Maybe he has an unhealthy obsession with smart janitors.
1. Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, Jason Bourne) - Damon plays the ultimate ninja warrior in these fast flying action movies. Bourne kicks a lot of ass and takes a lot of names, except his own which he could not remember at the beginning of the first movie (spoilers).
9. Linus Caldwell (Ocean's Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen) - I'm sure Damon is great in this trilogy but he is drowning in a sea of A list actors. Get it?
8. Loki (Dogma) - A '90s Kevin Smith religious flick that Damon shows up in with his ol' buddy Affleck. I can't remember a thing about this movie except that Chris Rock yelled some stuff. Or maybe he was just talking.
7. Mark Whitacre (The Informant!) - This is a fun little role for Damon where he got the chance to stretch his talents (and waistband). He's a straight putz in this movie and he plays it great.
6. Dr. Mann (Interstellar) - Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen this old movie: Damon is an a-hole in this movie which is why this character ranks below Mark Watney. I like to think that Damon getting stranded on Mars is somewhat payback from the universe for his betrayal in Interstellar.
5. Mark Watney (The Martian) - Wow does Mark Watney love science! This is a lot of one on one Damon, skyping old friends back on earth through his computer. You'll get to know him intimately, his favorite things to do on Mars, what he likes to grow and eat. This movie is like a long SNL digital short where Matt Damon gets stuck on Mars. Jimmy Kimmel gives apologies to Matt Damon for getting stuck on Mars.
4. Private James Ryan (Saving Private Ryan) - I would say Damon was great in this but I seem to remember Tom Hanks being the star who led everyone to find Private Ryan. Was Damon even in this movie for twenty minutes? If he was, the spotlight was being stolen by America's dad, Tom "Sully" Hanks.
3. Colin Sullivan (The Departed) - Now we are really getting down to it. This is Damon at his best- nitty, gritty, not afraid to fight, cloaked in a thick Boston accent. Nicholson and Leo may steal most of the best scenes in the movie but Damon embodies everything it stands for- being a tough Southie mo'fo.
2. Will Hunting (Good Will Hunting) - This is the classic Damon-Affleck dynamic at its best. Damon is on point as a brilliant janitor. My favorite part about this movie is the late Robin Williams' persistent obsession with the young Will Hunting's genius. He spends many an off hour discussing with his colleague how he can connect with the young man and share his intelligence with the world. He cares more about this janitor than his own students. Maybe he has an unhealthy obsession with smart janitors.
1. Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, Jason Bourne) - Damon plays the ultimate ninja warrior in these fast flying action movies. Bourne kicks a lot of ass and takes a lot of names, except his own which he could not remember at the beginning of the first movie (spoilers).
82 Reasons Why We Can't Wait for the NBA to Return
1. Will J.R. Smith put a shirt back on and will he be in The Land?
2. Update on Lebron's hairline.
3. Golden State's Lineup of Death 2.0.
4. Russell Westbrook and his F.U. to the rest of the league season.
5. Will Steve Kerr endure the Tao of Javale McGee in the bay?
6. Dwight Howard leads Hawks to playoffs, makes All Star team in return home.
7. Is Minnesota ready to take the next step with Coach Tibs?
8. Utah is looking frisky, let's see if the Stifle Tower can take them to the next level.
9. How many bigs will the Sixers keep and how many will they get rid of?
10. Joel Embiid looks huge standing next to Simmons and Okafor- how will he look in game action?
11. De'Angelo Russell social media watch.
12. Are the Suns going to field a lineup of only Kentucky players?
13. Dwyane Wade return to Chi-town.
14. Will Karl Towns and Wiggins be All Stars?
15. Coach Pop and his sideline interview prowess.
16. Craig Sager and his sideline interview prowess.
17. Will David West's ring chasing ways pay off?
18. Boston fans thinking they are the best.
19. Iceberg Slim, The Servant, Slim Reaper, Durantula, KD... Whatever you want to call him, KD is going to be sick in a Golden State uniform.
20. How will Chef Curry respond to the addition of the second best player in the league (behind that guy in Cleveland)?
21. Gordon and LaVine- law firm or dunk contest finalists?
22. Did I mention Russell Westbrook is going to be MVP? He's going to be MVP.
23. Clipper fans being disappointed, yet again.
24. Speaking of which, will Blake Griffin be in a Clipper uniform at the end of the season?
25. The Derrick Rose Trial debacle.
26. The New York Knicks Superteam.
27. Will the ageless Spurs finally slow down and how will Pao look?
28. That thing the players wipe their shoes off on.
29. The scores table.
30. Chalk being thrown in the air.
31. Gatorade cups for days.
32. Kobe Bryant, citizen.
33. What else will Steph Curry hurl at onlooking fans?
34. The Inside the NBA crew and their late night shenanigans.
35. Bill Walton (even though he does college games I am still excited for the return of the greatest hippy of all time).
36. Luke Walton in the post Kobe L.A. era.
37. No look passes.
38. Announcers arguing over the intentional foul rule.
39. Players ripping off the sleeved jerseys.
40. The Christmas Day slate of games.
41. Woo half way there! I need a Gatorade break. Oh yeah...the opening tip.
42. League Pass darlings.
43. The trials and tribulations of Boogie Cousins in Sacto-are they going to hold him hostage forever?
44. Is this the year John Wall finally turns on Washington?
45. Can Bradley Beal play a whole season healthy?
46. Players diving into the stands.
47. What will The Brow look like if he can stay on the court?
48. Box scores.
49. Post game interviews trolled by teammates.
50. One shining moment...wrong level, my bad. Headbands, final answer.
51. Heat checks.
52. Four point plays (I see you, Jamal Crawford).
53. Throwback jerseys.
54. De-fense chants.
55. Will any team challenge the Cavs in the East?
56. How will the soccer moms in Portland appreciate Evan "The Villain" Turner?
57. The Euro Step.
58. Will James Harden go full Amish?
59. The Charity Line.
60. Will Miami be so bad that Pat Riley dunks his entire body in an ice bucket?
61. The Greek Freak and his freshly inked deal.
62. Will Oladipo expand his shooting range in OKC?
63. Will there be enough shots to go around in the Bay?
64. Regular seasons that actually matter.
65. Trash talk.
66. "Hold me back!!!" fights.
67. Whatever Metta World Peace is up to.
68. Phil Jackson, zen master.
69. Madison Square Garden and the Staples Center.
70. Mascots, especially the Phoenix Gorilla.
71. Missing the Sonics.
72. Buzzer beaters.
73. Overtime.
74. The scoring title.
75. Michael Jordan highlights.
76. Wondering how good Allen Iverson could have been.
77. Coach mustaches.
78. The kiss cam on the jumbo-tron.
79. Coaches breaking clipboards.
80. The 6th man.
81. Players wiping their shoes on their hands.
82. The kids who run out and wipe the court off while the game is still going, then a fast break comes back there way when they aren't paying attention and they have to run out of the way really quick to avoid being demolished.
2. Update on Lebron's hairline.
3. Golden State's Lineup of Death 2.0.
4. Russell Westbrook and his F.U. to the rest of the league season.
5. Will Steve Kerr endure the Tao of Javale McGee in the bay?
6. Dwight Howard leads Hawks to playoffs, makes All Star team in return home.
7. Is Minnesota ready to take the next step with Coach Tibs?
8. Utah is looking frisky, let's see if the Stifle Tower can take them to the next level.
9. How many bigs will the Sixers keep and how many will they get rid of?
10. Joel Embiid looks huge standing next to Simmons and Okafor- how will he look in game action?
11. De'Angelo Russell social media watch.
12. Are the Suns going to field a lineup of only Kentucky players?
13. Dwyane Wade return to Chi-town.
14. Will Karl Towns and Wiggins be All Stars?
15. Coach Pop and his sideline interview prowess.
16. Craig Sager and his sideline interview prowess.
17. Will David West's ring chasing ways pay off?
18. Boston fans thinking they are the best.
19. Iceberg Slim, The Servant, Slim Reaper, Durantula, KD... Whatever you want to call him, KD is going to be sick in a Golden State uniform.
20. How will Chef Curry respond to the addition of the second best player in the league (behind that guy in Cleveland)?
21. Gordon and LaVine- law firm or dunk contest finalists?
22. Did I mention Russell Westbrook is going to be MVP? He's going to be MVP.
23. Clipper fans being disappointed, yet again.
24. Speaking of which, will Blake Griffin be in a Clipper uniform at the end of the season?
25. The Derrick Rose Trial debacle.
26. The New York Knicks Superteam.
27. Will the ageless Spurs finally slow down and how will Pao look?
28. That thing the players wipe their shoes off on.
29. The scores table.
30. Chalk being thrown in the air.
31. Gatorade cups for days.
32. Kobe Bryant, citizen.
33. What else will Steph Curry hurl at onlooking fans?
34. The Inside the NBA crew and their late night shenanigans.
35. Bill Walton (even though he does college games I am still excited for the return of the greatest hippy of all time).
36. Luke Walton in the post Kobe L.A. era.
37. No look passes.
38. Announcers arguing over the intentional foul rule.
39. Players ripping off the sleeved jerseys.
40. The Christmas Day slate of games.
41. Woo half way there! I need a Gatorade break. Oh yeah...the opening tip.
42. League Pass darlings.
43. The trials and tribulations of Boogie Cousins in Sacto-are they going to hold him hostage forever?
44. Is this the year John Wall finally turns on Washington?
45. Can Bradley Beal play a whole season healthy?
46. Players diving into the stands.
47. What will The Brow look like if he can stay on the court?
48. Box scores.
49. Post game interviews trolled by teammates.
50. One shining moment...wrong level, my bad. Headbands, final answer.
51. Heat checks.
52. Four point plays (I see you, Jamal Crawford).
53. Throwback jerseys.
54. De-fense chants.
55. Will any team challenge the Cavs in the East?
56. How will the soccer moms in Portland appreciate Evan "The Villain" Turner?
57. The Euro Step.
58. Will James Harden go full Amish?
59. The Charity Line.
60. Will Miami be so bad that Pat Riley dunks his entire body in an ice bucket?
61. The Greek Freak and his freshly inked deal.
62. Will Oladipo expand his shooting range in OKC?
63. Will there be enough shots to go around in the Bay?
64. Regular seasons that actually matter.
65. Trash talk.
66. "Hold me back!!!" fights.
67. Whatever Metta World Peace is up to.
68. Phil Jackson, zen master.
69. Madison Square Garden and the Staples Center.
70. Mascots, especially the Phoenix Gorilla.
71. Missing the Sonics.
72. Buzzer beaters.
73. Overtime.
74. The scoring title.
75. Michael Jordan highlights.
76. Wondering how good Allen Iverson could have been.
77. Coach mustaches.
78. The kiss cam on the jumbo-tron.
79. Coaches breaking clipboards.
80. The 6th man.
81. Players wiping their shoes on their hands.
82. The kids who run out and wipe the court off while the game is still going, then a fast break comes back there way when they aren't paying attention and they have to run out of the way really quick to avoid being demolished.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Which Cat is Your NFL Team?
Arizona Cardinals 
Atlanta Falcons
Baltimore Ravens
Buffalo Bills
Carolina Panthers
Chicago Bears
Cincinnati Bengals
Cleveland Browns
Dallas Cowboys
Denver Broncos
Detroit Lions
Green Bay Packers
Houston Texans
Indianapolis Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars
Kansas City Chiefs
Los Angeles Rams
Miami Dolphins
Minnesota Vikings
New England Patriots
New Orleans Saints
New York Giants
New York Jets
Oakland Raiders
Philadelphia Eagles
Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers
San Francisco 49ers
Seattle Seahawks
Tampa Bay Bucaneers
Tennessee Titans
Washington Redskins
Atlanta Falcons
Baltimore Ravens
Buffalo Bills
Carolina Panthers
Chicago Bears
Cincinnati Bengals
Cleveland Browns
Dallas Cowboys
Denver Broncos
Detroit Lions
Green Bay Packers
Houston Texans
Indianapolis Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars
Kansas City Chiefs
Los Angeles Rams
Miami Dolphins
Minnesota Vikings
New England Patriots
New Orleans Saints
New York Giants
New York Jets
Oakland Raiders
Philadelphia Eagles
Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers
San Francisco 49ers
Seattle Seahawks
Tampa Bay Bucaneers
Tennessee Titans
Washington Redskins
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