NBA 12/30 - Chef Curry Back in the Kitchen

Player of the day - Stephen Curry - 38 pts, 10/13 3p, 4 reb, 3 ast
Lebron Radar - 29 pts, 8 rebs, 6 ast, 2 stl, 1 blk, 1 receding hairline
Quote of the day - “Because we’re rich as hell and we don’t need it all, and other people need it. Then, you’re an ass if you don’t give it. Pretty simple.” - Gregg Popovich
Picture of the day - “Majestic Kitty in the Sock Drawer”

State Haikus Part One

Oh Alabama
You love your football, Roll Tide
Pickup trucks; country

Alaska is cool
Abundant with nature stuff
Hunting is welcomed

Arizona, wow
Your weather is oppressive
The Grand Canyon, though

Arkansas, speechless
Walmart HQ, the Ozarks
The Travel Channel

Cali beautiful
Many miles of tan coastline
Movie stars for days

Colorado, weed
The Rocky Mountains are there
Microbreweries

Rich Connecticut
Prep schools and Sperry's boat shoes
Land of many yachts

Delaware, First State
Geographically small
You have a big heart

Oh god, Florida
Your state flag should be a guy
With a machete

Georgia on my mind
Sweet tea and dusty back roads
Is a country song

Hawaii luau
Hula dancing, pig roasting
Don't forget surfing

You got Idaho
Potatoes on potatoes
I like to make fun

Windy Illinois
Chicago is a great city
Other than that, corn

Hi Indiana
Basketball, favorite sport
Hoosier not hoser

Iowa is grand
The Hawkeyes and the Cyclones
Does it get better?

Kansas, Wizard of Oz
Follow the yellow brick road
Bill Self is boring

Kentucky moonshine
Partying and horse racing
College basketball

Louisiana
The home of The Big Easy
And some swamp people

Oh hello there Maine
I didn't see you up there
You love your lobster

Sweet oh Maryland
Crabcakes and football are life
Said Bradley Cooper

Dang Massachusetts
You have so much history
And annoying fans

The glove, Michigan
The upper peninsula
Sounds really chilly

Ya Minnesota
You got the twin cities there
We love your accent

Gee Mississippi
Your name is ridiculous
But it's a river

Missouri is here
We call you the Show Me State
Such a weird nickname

Football Haikus

Pigskin a prancing
Chunks of black rubber fly high
All the way, touchdown!

One-handed catches
Tip-toeing down the sideline
And the kick is good

Quarterbacks, tricky
Sometimes they are amazing
Others not so much

Oh Philip Rivers
Makes lots of funny faces
Like a circus clown

Haikus about Hollywood

DiCaprio hair
Tom Cruise rides motorcycles
Kevin Hart again

Gravity is great
Bullock and Clooney in Space
You had me at Space

Affleck and Damon
It's Good Will Hunting season
Not your fault, apples

America's Dad
Tom Hanks with a gray mustache
Yelling at people

Watching Brad Pitt eat food
Like watching a great white shark
Feast on a surfer

Denzel Washington
Would be the most serious
Gym teacher ever

Matt McConaughey
Said, "Alright, alright, alright"
Now drives a Lincoln

Adam Sandler jokes
Used to be hilarious
Now they are just sad

A Haiku About College

We beat the Trojans
But I fell into slumber
Because of college

The Terminator

“What do you mean fired? How can that be possible?”

            “We have made the decision to terminate your position of waiter at O’Hanigans.”

            “But why would you do something like this to me? I have done nothing to warrant a pink slip from this place. What’s the reason for this decision?”

            “You failed to comply with company guidelines when you walked off your shift Tuesday without consenting with the manager on duty. Brenda had asked you to stay and you left early which means our management team has to take strict and swift action against you according to our no exceptions policy. Under the no exceptions policy that was implemented by upper management eight months ago, O’Hanigans has little to no leeway when it comes to which employees we will and won’t fire and for what reason.”

            “That’s not true. If I had been asked to stay, I would have stayed. Also how could this be grounds for firing since it is my first offense and I have only been working for the company for eight days? And why does upper management have a say on the decision to fire me when they have no idea what happened since they weren’t involved with the situation?”

            “Your position has been terminated. Thank you for your time with O’Hanigans. If you do not leave the restaurant property immediately I will alert our team of security guards to escort you to the nearest exit.”

            I place my clock-in card and food handler’s permit in the hands of my former manager and step out of the restaurant for the final time. Although I do not realize it in the moment, my former O’Hanigans manager has just pushed the first domino in my new, thrilling life.

            While I had pledged to myself that my days of being destructive to others were over, I knock over a few garden planters on my last walk out of this dreadful sham of an Irish eatery and pub. I glower at the magnificent portrait of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish leprechaun mascot as I had every day coming to and leaving a shift as waiter at O’Hanigans, the worst place on the face of the earth. Calmly, as an act of passive protest against big corporations, I smear my fingers covered in vegetable oil from the onion rings on the face of the poor, defenseless leprechaun.

            I prepare myself for the grand finale and ultimate demonstration against the management of O’Hanigans, the sorry excuse for a business that made the mistake of firing Stan Moss. As I walk through the tables on the outdoor patio, I notice the Tiki Torches have been freshly lit. A brilliant idea hops into my mind as an imaginary light bulb sparkles brightly above my freshly trimmed head of hair.

My attention is drawn to the mountain of garlic fries at the two top next to the fire pit. Without a grain of consideration, I smash my greasy palm into the appetizer dish as if searching for a needle in a haystack. The horrified couple who had been enjoying a romantic fireside meal of garlic fries mere seconds ago does not know how to react in the first instant of confusion. With an instinctive act of bravado, the man swats the fistful of garlic fries out of my grasp in an attempt to protect his lady from the potential dangers of calories from fat and too much seasoning.  

The spider web of garlic fries soars miraculously directly into a Tiki Torch, flames already soaring high. Somehow the handful of fries is not only ignited by the blaze, it also carries its momentum and continues to carve through the evening air like a base jumper. Unfortunately for the mother of four whose attention had been diverted by her youngest child’s inability to eat spaghetti with his hands, the flaming fistful of fries flies unswervingly into her bird’s nest of hair.

“Get it off me!” The poor mother shrieks into the clouds as if to question why the gods had bequeathed her with such prodigious capabilities to produce offspring.

Not knowing what to do in this moment of pandemonium, I swipe at her ignited mane while apologizing for ever crossing paths with her. The fire begins to die down as her emotions start to flare up.

“How dare you do something like this to me in front of my family?” The poor lady screams as her freshly crisped hair hangs over her face.

Her sheepish husband continues to sit in the middle of the table, flanked by his two young daughters, as he is either too afraid to confront me or too beaten down by life to care. My former O’Hanigans manager has made her way out to the patio area along with the team of security guards she had previously warned me about. I figure I could beat two of the three in a fight but the guy on her right does not look like he messes around. He has impressively bright red hair, shaved to his skull on the sides and a few inches long on top, as well as a sleeve of nautical themed tattoos covering his left arm. He’s wearing an expensive looking Rolex watch on his right wrist which seems like too nice of an accessory for someone whose job is to bash people’s faces in.    

“It was an accident and I was going to apologize for my clumsiness but now I don’t feel like this is warranted.” I say stand-offishly, as if I am unaware of the team of goons that is praying for the chance to pounce.

“That’s it everyone stop this nonsense right now!” My former manager yelps at the top of her lungs, silencing the courtyard.

Seeing this as my chance to break free, I grab some breadsticks and go in for the kill. You have to understand, O’Hanigans doesn’t have just any run of the mill breadsticks. These breadsticks are lethal, the size of Olympic batons or universal remotes. If you were pulled over by a police officer and asked if you had any weapons in the car, you would legally be required to notify him of any leftover breadsticks from O’Hanigans you were taking home. A single order of breadsticks from O’Hanigans could feed a small family of brush animals for several weeks. And it’s not just the breadsticks; they also come with a platter of dipping sauces fit for a king. Queso dip so cheesy, stone ground mustard so stony, salsa so spicy it came straight from the festival-strewn streets of Mexico City. You should be ashamed if you have not appreciated the luxurious assortment of dipping sauces that accommodate the breadsticks that could double for a diving toy at a pool party.

Anyway I grab a pair of breadsticks, one adorning each hand, and face my maker, or my former manager, and her team of security assailants. First I wisely dip the right breadstick in queso and whip it at the weakest security guard. He falls in a heap of cheese, delicious appetizer and misplaced sense of purpose in life. Having taken down one third of the O’Hanigans security squad, my confidence is going through the roof. I take the second breadstick, this one in my left hand, and let it swim in stone ground mustard until it cannot breath. Then I take the newly minted breadstick and slap it across the face of the second weak security guard. I can see the poor schmuck asking himself if he spent eighteen months of his beloved weekends at security training school to be slapped in the face by a grain product. I almost feel sorry for him as he slouches to the cement, but not before accidentally or perhaps purposely, planting his face in an untouched plate of lasagna.

Now for the final showdown; it’s the matchup against the boss at the end of the level before you save the princess. The redheaded, Rolex-wearing massive man is standing between me and the exit to this godforsaken place forever. Figuring the only way I can possibly defeat an ogre like this is through shear wit, I pull one of the oldest moves in the book.

“What is that?” I utter quietly, under my breath with a look of horror on my face as I point to the opposite corner of the outdoor patio area.

The redhead, being the gullible goof that most security guards are, takes the bait like an unsuspecting halibut snatching a seemingly free worm.  

Right when the security goon turns his big red head, I see my moment to shine. Without looking, I grab a handful of lettuce and chicken from a massive Cobb salad on the three top to my left. In one fell swoop, I pluck a bottle of hot sauce from the center of the table and begin moving aggressively towards the redhead, who is still not looking.

“Watch out!” My former manager screams from her safe position on the sideline, obviously not wanting to dirty her hands in this mess. But it’s too late for the O’Hanigans management and their redhead security goon, at least when it comes to Stan Moss.

I lob a handful of Cobb salad into the grill of the security beast and douse him with hot sauce. With my former manager uncontrollably losing her mind in the background and a possibly blinded mountain of a man writhing in pain on the ground, I scurry off the property of O’Hanigans for the last time ever or so I hope.   

Haikus about Kings of Leon

Tennessee, we hail
Our blood brown from the whiskey
Tis the rock star way

We used to rock hard
Now our melodies are soft
As Tempur-Pedics

Love Songs for the 50 States

Alabama: "(Love Is) Thicker Than Water"- Andy Gibb
Alaska: "Don't Let Go (Love)"- En Vogue
Arizona: "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)"- Whitney Houston
Arkansas: "I Think I Love You"- The Partridge Family
California: "Love Song"- Sara Bareilles
Colorado: "We Found Love"- Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris
Connecticut: "Because You Loved Me"- Celine Dion
Delaware: "Lovin' You"- Minnie Riperton
Florida: "This Guy's In Love With You"- Herb Alpert
Georgia: "She Loves You"- The Beatles
Hawaii: "Love Hangover"- Diana Ross
Idaho: "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'"-The Righteous Brothers
Illinois: "To Know Him Is to Love Him"- The Teddy Bears
Indiana: "Love Rollercoaster"- Ohio Players
Iowa: "Dreamlover"- Mariah Carey
Kansas: "Roses Are Red (My Love)"- Bobby Vinton
Kentucky: "Justify My Love"- Madonna
Louisiana: "What's Love Got to Do With It"- Tina Turner
Maine: "I'll Make Love to You"- Boyz II Men
Maryland: "I Will Always Love You"- Whitney Houston
Massachusetts: "Crazy in Love"- Beyoncé featuring Jay-Z
Michigan: "Baby Love"- The Supremes
Minnesota: "I Can't Stop Loving You"- Ray Charles
Mississippi: "Love Story"- Taylor Swift
Missouri: "To Sir With Love"- Lulu Hot
Montana: "Woman in Love"- Barbra Streisand
Nebraska: "Love Is Blue"- Paul Mauriat
Nevada: "That's The Way Love Goes"- Janet Jackson
New Hampshire: "Greatest Love of All"- Whitney Houston
New Jersey: "Love Will Keep Us Together"- Captain and Tennille
New Mexico: "Bleeding Love"- Leona Lewis
New York: "Let Me Love You"- Mario
North Carolina: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"- Queen
North Dakota: "Part-Time Lover"- Stevie Wonder
Ohio: "I Want to Know What Love Is"- Foreigner
Oklahoma: "I Just Called To Say I Love You"- Stevie Wonder
Oregon: "Endless Love"- Diana Ross & Lionel Richie
Pennsylvania: "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)"- Stevie B
Rhode Island: "The Power of Love"- Celine Dion
South Carolina: "Can't Help Falling in Love"- UB40
South Dakota: "Love Takes Time"- Mariah Carey
Tennessee: "I Knew I Loved You"- Savage Garden
Texas: "Vision of Love"- Mariah Carey
Utah: "I Love You Always Forever"- Donna Lewis
Vermont: "How Deep Is Your Love"- Bee Gees
Virginia: "Best of My Love"- The Emotions
Washington: "Silly Love Songs"- Wings
West Virginia: "It Must Have Been Love"- Roxette
Wisconsin: "My Love"- Paul McCartney and Wings
Wyoming: "The Power of Love"- Huey Lewis & the News

The 10 Best Will Smith Characters

10. Nicky (Focus) - This movie looks more like a 90 minute LensCrafters advertisement than a feature length film with one of Hollywood's biggest movie stars and the Wolf of Wall Street's decorative centerpiece.
9. Howard (Collateral Beauty) - Smith plays a man going through tragedy who writes letters to Love, Time, Death and Wells Fargo.
8. Deadshot (Suicide Squad) - Smith really stretches his acting chops as a cool, goofy dad.
7. Robert Neville (I Am Legend) - The scene when Smith gets into an intense conversation with a store full of mannequins is a recipe for goosebumps. Also his dog- dawwwwww!
6. Dr. Bennet Omalu (Concussion) - Tell the truth!
5. Hitch (Hitch) - Smith portrays a Manhattan matchmaker who tries to court gossip columnist Eva Mendes while setting up Kevin James on a date. This is either a terribly elitist mad-lib or a romantic comedy that netted $300 million worldwide. Luckily for the director this movie came just prior to the internet dating craze; if not James' character would have been holed up in his apartment eating microwavable burritos and watching reruns of Mets games while surfing Tinder instead of hooking up with a date doctor like Smith. If Smith is such a player, how come he can't win over Mendes? The plot of this flick is so thick it makes me sick. 
4. Bagger Vance (The Legend of Bagger Vance) - This sounds like the worst arcade game ever. Smith plays a mystical caddy which I went as for Halloween in fourth grade. Legend from the set of Bagger Vance has it that "Mystical Caddy" is also what Smith calls his junk.
3. Mike Lowrey (Bad Boys, Bad Boys II) - I would like to see a movie where Will Smith and Martin Lawrence's characters from Bad Boys try to catch Denzel and Mark Wahlberg's characters from 2 Guns.
2. Jay (Men in Black, Men in Black II, Men in Black 3) - Smith and Tommy Lee Jones were ahead of the alien, apocalyptic Hollywood curve with the start of this franchise in 1997. 
1. Will Smith (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) - The best role of Will Smith's career is Will Smith. The Fresh Prince inspired an entire generation with five words: "Now this is the story..." The show bridged cultural and class gaps, touched on controversial topics and brought one of the most talented actors of our time into the spotlight. Also Snapback hats, neon shirts, overalls with one strap undone, bright blazers, argyle socks, crop tops, short shorts...The Fresh Prince's style has been usurped by hipsters.

The Legend of J.R. Smith

Can you believe we finally made it to the NBA Finals?

It’s Cavs-Warriors Chapter Three: Revenge of J.R. Smith. 

​No, seriously; although he has been quiet in these playoffs J.R. Smith was “money”, as Vince Vaughn from “Swingers” would say, in the 2016 NBA Finals against Golden State.

He dropped 20 points in game three, 14 in game six and 12 in a decisive game seven in which he spent 39 minutes on the floor. More importantly the Cavaliers won each of those games as well as game five at the Oracle to make J.R. Smith the unlikeliest NBA champion in the history of the sport. 

Last year’s NBA Finals showed how well the Cavs playwhen their farfetched hero is casting threes like a Hollywood director gone mad with power. J.R. Smith is lightning in a bottle of Tabasco. J.R. Smith plays basketball like Tom Cruise acts; with reckless abandon and no regard for mankind. 

Remember after game seven when Smith’s daughter infamously threw shade on her father’s parade of navy blue and gold confetti?

“I’m just proud of him because he made the championship without getting kicked off the team.” Smith’s daughter, Demi, said to reporters during the celebration. 

God bless J.R. Smith; he has had a tough road. 

In June of 2007 he was in a car accident in which he was ejected from his vehicle. Andre Bell, a passenger of Smith’s who was also dislodged from the car in the crash, died a couple days later from head injuries. While the toll of this accident is infinitely worse for the Bell family, it also must weigh heavily on Smith’s psyche. 

Smith is in the news again as his daughter, Dakota, was finally released from the hospital after being born five months premature in January. 

​He has had a long journey to the peak since coming into the league straight from high school in 2004 that includes battles with coaches, countless DNP’s and a short stint in China during the 2011 NBA lockout. 

You already know all the household names from the Finals; Lebron, Steph, Kyrie, Durant, Love and Klay. There is nothing more I can write about any of these mononymous superstars that will change your opinion; that is why you recognize who I am referring to with a single name. Their identities are already ingrained into your basketball brain like Bird-Magic or M.J.’s winner in game six against Utah. 

Lebron will dominate the game in all facets, Steph will bomb threes and unleash joyful triumphs as he bounds down the court and Kyrie will be “The Layup King”. Durant will be the best pure scorer on the court, Love will grab boards and stand in the corner waiting to shoot and Klay will get hot one game and drop twenty five in the third quarter.  

Get to know J.R. Smith.

​Golden State’s squad remembers him from last year’s June matchup. He rained threes on their defense like a soggy spring day in the Pacific Northwest. 

​Sure Smith has been quiet in the 2017 NBA playoffs but I see him as more of a firework who is bound to explode as soon as that fuse dissipates. 

​Remember Ang Lee’s 2000 martial arts film “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”? J.R. Smith is about to roundhouse kick the Golden State Warriors back home. 

​I got Cleveland in seven with Lebron winning the Finals MVP. I love J.R. Smith but c’mon; I’m not that crazy. 

​

A Haiku about Wayne Gretzky

The Great One is fourth
In grade eight he drank gallons
Of maple syrup

The Lost Files Vol. 5: NBA Draft Awards

​With the NBA draft approaching in less than two months its time to hand out some made up awards to this year’s topprospects.

​Markelle Fultz, the freshman phenom guard from the University of Washington, is projected by most media outlets to go as the number one pick in the draft that is being held Thursday June 22. But what about some of the lesser known prospects who do not receive as much attention from the First Takes of the world? 

​The first award, “Tragic Johnson”, will be given to freshman North Carolina State guard Dennis Smith. Although the 6 foot 2 Smith averaged 18 points and 6 assists per game in his only season with the Wolfpack, he led them to a sub .500 record and their coach was fired midseason. In return his draft stock fell from as high as number two in some early mock drafts to as far as nine in some currently.

​The “Pinocchio” Award goes to T.J. Leaf, the boyish looking 6 foot 10 freshman forward from UCLA. After being essentially off the draft board and “Lunardi radar” before the start of the season, Leaf skyrocketed to the mid first round in most mocks. The freshman from UCLA who turns 20 on Sunday will be able to claim he is “a real man” after he is paid first rounder money in June. 

​The “Dark horse” Award goes to half of Kentucky’s freshmen first round-bound backcourt, the lanky 6 foot 3 Malik Monk. The 19 year old Arkansan, whose counterpart De’AaronFox is anticipated by most experts to be selected higher, is more of a pure scorer who will be able to get buckets easier in the NBA. Monk dropped 47 points including the game clinching three in a December victory against the eventual national champion North Carolina Tar Heels. 

​Speaking of the Carolina blue their 6 foot 8, 22 year old stretch four Justin Jackson earns the award for “Wiliest veteran”. Jackson earned the real award for ACC player of the year this season as he averaged 18 points and shot 37% from the three point stripe. Although he is a couple years older than most first round prospects, his knack for scoring and length may turn him into the wiliest veteran in the NBA in the next decade.

​Last but certainly not least the award for “Most pervasive father” goes to the freshman UCLA guard Lonzo Ball whose father Lavar has surpassed him in popularity in recent months. Anyone who has ever tuned into ESPN or any sports related television has heard this name countless times, mostly in discussions not even related to basketball. Lavar, the former Washington State Cougar, has figured out a way to wrangle the spotlight away from his son as if he is the one who is projected to go as a top three pick in this year’s draft.

​Those were just a few of the hypothetical awards I gave out for this year’s NBA draft in June. For the complete award ceremony tune in to the post game show after the draft which will be hosted by L.L. Cool Jeff Probst. 

​

​

The Lost Files Vol. 4: Around the Horn Internship

My name is Chris Arneson and I am a 20 year old junior at Washington State University in Pullman, Washington. While you might not be familiar with Wazzu, our biggest claim to fame is producing NFL Hall of Fame quarterback and all around class act, Ryan Leaf. Wazzu is also known for cheese and the rolling hills that surround the campus known as the Palouse. I am the man for this job because I know sports and the show’s history better than anyone. I have been watching/listening to ATHreligiously since I was in junior high, making it the longest relationship of my adolescence.  

1. With my incarnation of NBA commissioner Adam Silver, I would use this team to immediately relocate an NBA franchise to Seattle. The Supersonics were an integral part of the city for more than 40 years. I have fond memories of driving across the 520 floating bridge (before it was tolled) to Key Arena with my Dad to watch “The Glove” Gary Payton, Ray Allen, RashardLewis and company. Sure the Bucks and Kings were justbought, blocking a possible move to Seattle. While an expansion team is not recommended as it would further dilute the league’s talent pool, cities like Atlanta, Orlando, and Charlotte perennially have low attendance figures. In the end, I would relocate the Charlotte Bobcats/Hornets to Seattle as they do not have a long history in the city and have not been supported particularly well. And once MJ sees the golf courses out here, relocating this team will be like shooting fish in a barrel. 

2. If Derek Jeter’s Retirement Tour passed through Pullman, I would give him a one year membership at hot yoga. I know he has trouble meeting women, I figured it’s a nice gesture.

Here is a list of Around the Horn Gift Store ideas: 

• Woody Paige Wheel of Fortune – Spin for crazy fun options like: Hear a recording of Woody Paige singing Tennessee’s “Rocky Top” and recite as many games from last year’s NFL schedule as you can!

• J.A. Adande Lounge Guest List – Imagine what it would be like to rub elbows with stars like Craig Kilborn, Matthew Perry, Arsenio Hall, and James Van Der Beek. 

• Bomani Jones Pinky Ring Cam – Attach this tiny camera to your pinky ring to catch vital in-action moments!

• Tim Cowlishaw Travel Guide to Nascar Destinations such as Darlington and Talladega – Don’t miss the Bristol County Fair – home of the biggest ferris wheel in Tennessee! 

• Bill Plaschke Magic 8 Ball Head – Rub it for good luck! 

• Pat Summitt poster signed by Jackie MacMullan – Comes with Paul Pierce keychain from his Celtic years!

• Bob Ryan Life Guide – A book of everything you need to know in life from Boston Celtics 1960s anecdotes to Boston Red Sox 2000s anecdotes. 

• Michael Smith Numbers Never Lie Picture Book – See if these digits are irrational or are they real? Either way, this is “prime” reading!

• Pablo Torre Tips on Living Youthfully – His secret: he juices everything. 

• Izzy Gutierrez Tommy Bahamas Style Shirt – Look stylish yet casual everywhere from Heat games to the beach to the club.

The Lost Files Vol. 3: J.A. Adande & Woody Paige

A Day in the Life: J.A. Adande

7:17 am: Wakes up to Boyz II Men alarm clock

7:22 am: Tries to decide if he should wear his Kobe #8 jersey or his Kobe #24 jersey

8:24 am: Plays golf with Ryan Philipe, Tim Meadows, and Alex Trebek

10:10 am: Facetimes with Gunther from Friends

12:35 pm: Goes for a barefoot run on the beach while listening to NPR 

12:44 pm: Snapchats Robert Siegel  while eating quinoa

1:11 pm: Periscopes how to make a paper mache crane

2:23 pm: Plays online poker with the cast of The Real World: Seattle

8:12 pm: Ridiculed by Coach Pop in end of quarter interview

8:49 pm: Watches "Love" on Netflix at halftime, tweets Judd Apatow about being in season 2

A Day in the Life : Woody Paige

4:58 am: Wakes up in cold sweat, startled and confused in Peyton Manning casual pajamas and Denver Nuggets high top slippers

5:01 am: Jots down chalkboard quote ideas 

5:05 am: Admires his column in that day's Denver Post, ignoring the rest of the newspaper

5:11 am: Does yoga as he stares at nature and drinks smoothie of kale, strawberries, and fleece 

5:28 am: Walks dog around block, lets him poop on Brock Osweiler's front yard and doesn't pick it up 

6:04 am: Falls asleep in bathtub as he listens to John Cougar Mellencamp, reflects on "good ol' days" 

6:48 am: Wakes up in bathtub, startled and confused 

7:06 am: Tries to decide which Hawaiian shirt to wear

7:14 am: Settles on a t shirt with a tuxedo on it after he can't pick a Hawaiian shirt

7:21 am: Applies gel to hair to make it look like he just got out of bed

7:27 am: Drives to work, has massive road rage 

7:35 am: Looks to the heavens in despair, curses God 

7:44 am: Mood changes when John Cougar Mellencamp song comes on the radio, is reminded of "good ol' days"

8:01 am: Storms into Denver Post, takes sip of freshly brewed coffee and spits it out 

8:13 am: Goes to meeting to discuss which chalkboard quote he will be using for the day

8:24 am: Calls Peyton Manning's agent, tries to schedule golf outing

8:42 am: Eats biscuit, curses out intern for not knowing who John Cougar Mellencamp is

9:13 am: Watches Back to the Future, studies Doc Brown's hair, takes notes on how to imitate 

10:08 am: Looks at the schedule

10:57 am: Does calve raises as he stares at portrait of John Elway in his office 

11:14 am: Makes periscope video in which he discusses his favorite local driving ranges

12:02 pm: Goes to local barbecue joint for lunch

12:24 pm: Falls off mechanical bull, is reminded of youth

12:32pm: Asks for kale smoothie at barbecue restaurant

12:33pm: Settles on lamb chop, coleslaw smoothie

12:57 pm: Drives back to work, blasts "Hurts So Good"

1:11 pm: Films Around the Horn

1:12 pm: Muted by Tony Reali

1:39 pm: Wins, does face time about local weathermen racquetball league

1:52 pm: Celebrates win by Tebow-ing

2:26 pm: Checks the schedule again

2:55 pm: Goes to gym, plays a couple intense games of old man YMCA ball

3:40 pm: Plays racquetball against local weatherman

4:22 pm: Swings by Peyton Manning's house because he was in the neighborhood 

4:27 pm: Makes fun of Eli with Peyton

5:14 pm: Arrives early for Denver Nuggets game, asks players if they want to play horse

5:29 pm: Falls asleep watching Denver Nuggets warm up

6:11 pm: Wakes up wearing giant foam finger and beer helmet

6:46 pm: Finds buffet for media members, complains about lack of kale

7:19 pm: Watches Nuggets game, draws pictures of Peyton Manning throwing passes to him 

9:07 pm: Nuggets lose, scrambles to write a headline for tomorrow's story

9:18 pm: Settles on "Nugget of Hope"

9:55 pm: Goes to bed 

9:56 pm: John Cougar Mellencamp