"I don't know about this guy..." Todd chirped from the corner of the room, tapping his buck slip tricked out with personal stationary that reads, TODD, in bold, capital letters across the top, bottom, both sides and on every line with the back of his official Augusta National pen which is a little golf ball, of course, matching the O in TODD.
A swiftly contested debate boiled over in the room quicker than it takes the chocolate powder to melt into the milk in one of those instant breakfast things. This argument precipitated faster than a Christmas morning in Buffalo. It was like The Situation Room if it was hosted by The Situation and also he wasn't sober. The Situation being sober is like Barney teaching children how to Dougie or Barney Stinson appearing on Girl Code.
Barney Stinson is to Me Too what Barney is to Choo Choo. Speaking of Barney, did you know that the guy who played Barney, David Joyner, actually went on to become a tantric sex healer? (What a strange career choice for a giant purple dinosaur...wait, what's that? A suit? It was a flippin' suit? Well, there goes the first 25 years of my life. Back to the drawing board... which also happens to be the title of the fourth Back to the Future (still in the process of being made, obviously.)) (It's important to add that David Joyner sounds like the kind of dude who asks sales associates if they need help finding anything when he shops at American Eagle. David Joyner sounds like the kind of dude who shops at American Eagle and counts it as both community service and bird watching hours. Also, David Joyner definitely sounds like the kind of dude who not only bird watches but belongs to several competing bird watching clubs (and he pits them against each other in an Dr. Evil game of life chess) that meet at least once a year in an undisclosed location that is absolutely not the Dave and Busters in Pacoima and Joyner would never joke that he is the Dave from Dave and Busters, that's just not something that could ever possibly happen in a real life situation. In an unrelated note, please don't reserve the upstairs Avion Room for the evening of the fourth Tuesday of October at the Dave and Busters in Pacoima. Just asking for a friend, uhhhhh, Derek Jainor, yeahhh that's close enough to throw them off my trail. Wait, is this thing still on? I thought I hung up. Guess it was a butt sentence!)
And guess who replaced him? Guess, I say; yell it at your phone, laptop, tablet or old school desktop computer! I love that you still have an old school desktop computer, that little AIM icon dude would be so proud! (What's that little yellow dude running from, anyway? His past? Do those loud beeps from the dial up startle him and he just wakes up running? Is he jogging to Yahoo? Does he stretch or do some stride outs to warm up or does he just start sprinting from the get-go? Is he getting verbally harassed with unwanted tips on how to make his user experience smoother by that pushy Microsoft Word paperclip? Is he Tom Cruise? Then where's his motorcycle? Does he do his own stunts too? Is running considered to be a stunt? Is running only a stunt if Tom Cruise is doing it? Why does Tom Cruise play beach volleyball in jeans? It doesn't have anything to do with that little yellow running guy but I need to know. Hollywood needs to know. The world needs to know. Tom Cruise needs to know. Tom Cruise needs to know why Tom Cruise does that. Can you ask one of them for me?) Even if you are on the bus. Especially if you are on the bus! The person who replaced David "The Human Bird Bath" Joyner in the suit as Barney was named Carey Mothapunkinchunkin STINSON. That's it, I'm out. I quit. I'm moving to Jamaica to open a stand up paddle boarding company called Sesame Feet with Derek Jainor and the rest of my bird watching club.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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