Act One
Scene Two
(Let us return to the fantastic caper (not to be confused with the family of pickled capers that they ate for breakfast the other day) of our lionhearted compatriots as they dash to a life of more freedom and less garbage. First, however, before any ticker tape parades are thrown or giant novelty sized checks are handed out (Godzilla would like to present your elementary school lunch program with this $10,000 check which also happens to be the bounty on his head), our heroes must first escape the prison of Waste Management's own design. I always thought it was called a ticket tape parade until I just Googled it; guess it's suffice to say that you don't need a ticket to attend! Unless it's a ticker tape parade being thrown by an accounting firm or the New York Yankees because remember when everyone used to hate the Yankees before the Red Sox ruined it all by becoming the Yankees? Those were the days. Back when Johnny Damon always looked like he just escaped from a Harley Davidson convention by hiding in a random side car after being mobbed for being Jesus Christ. Back when, "Manny being Manny", was a legitimate excuse for fielding a fly ball off the Green Monster like you just got your wisdom teeth out. Back when Big Papi's essence was pure in our hearts and kites soared in the wind inspired by Benjamin Franklin. Whoop, wrong city! Back when you would get stuffed in a meat locker for walking down Yawkey Way with a Yankees hat or even just a New York Giants scarf which Eli Manning is the model for after refusing to wear one manufactured in San Diego. Back when you would end up at the bottom of the Boston Harbor for talking smack about Marky Mark or any of the Funky Bunch or even just mentioning a word of negativity in regards to the wonderfully underrated genre of Funk. That's more like it.
PHONE BOOK: Toss me that cable line! (Points frantically at a Nerd Rope that mice have nibbled on.)
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: You talkin' to me?
PHONE BOOK: Yes, heck yes you bloody burrito! I love Robert De Niro as much as the next informational directory but now is really not the time.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Why not? It's always time for Bobby D.
PHONE BOOK: Don't call him that. You don't even know him. Don't act like you're boys with Robert De Niro.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: But I saw him that one...
PHONE BOOK: No! No, no, no, NO! You did not see Robert De Niro at a laundromat! I refuse to believe that story - in fact, no one believes your stupid story! You might as well throw that one out with the rest of your tales of celebrity encounters.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Are you saying that I didn't play head to head against Rihanna in an indoor laser tag competition and totally pown her?
PHONE BOOK: No, I...
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: You don't mean that I didn't see Mariah Carey eating frozen yogurt at the mall?
PHONE BOOK: I'm pretty sure she's a vegan but...
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Are you trying to tell me... TO MY FACE that I didn't teach Dave Franco how to boogie board?
PHONE BOOK: That one I actually believe.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: OK good. Because it happened.
PHONE BOOK: Like I said, I believe you dude!
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: He couldn't get off the beach without me.
PHONE BOOK: Alright.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: The kid didn't even know which way the board was supposed to go.
PHONE BOOK: The more details you tell me, the less I'm starting to believe you.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: I put sunscreen on his back.
PHONE BOOK: What?
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: I put sunscreen on his back. His back looked like it was getting burnt so I asked him if he wanted me to apply some of my lotion to it. And he said yes.
PHONE BOOK: I don't believe you.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Huh?
PHONE BOOK: You heard me. That was one detail too many. I don't believe you anymore.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: James was there too. He took a video of it to lay the foundation for his next movie. The movie is going to be about a professional boogie boarder. It's going to be called Roll Tide. Like Alabama football except with surfer dudes from Southern California. Nick Saban is going to be there to oversee the directing. It's going to be awesome. I already got invited to the premiere. Do you want to go with me?
PHONE BOOK: Wait, what?
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: I said DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PREMIERE OF JAMES FRANCO'S NEXT BOOGIE BOARDING MOVIE WITH ME? Someone needs to get their dog eared pages checked.
PHONE BOOK: Uhhh sure, I guess. Yeah totally, that would be amazing! Wait, are you actually serious?
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Do I look like I'm joking? (That Microwavable Burrito With A Bite Out Of It Over There looks at Phone Book with a face more grave than that of the Undertaker's manager, Paul Bearer.)
PHONE BOOK: No, you look like you are for real.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: The premiere is 8 pm tomorrow night at the El Rey Theatre. We have 36 hours to make our way across town... Ready for it?
PHONE BOOK: I knew you were trouble.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Welcome to New York.
PHONE BOOK: But we're in California.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Yeah, well we were doing that whole conversation with Taylor Swift songs thing and you just had to go and ruin it. Do you feel good about yourself for doing that?
PHONE BOOK: Mean...
What will become of Phone Book and That Microwavable Burrito With A Bite Out Of It Over There? Tune in next time to find out! By the way these credits are supposed to be scrolling in space like on Star Wars so just go ahead and imagine that and we won't have any copyright infringement problems, nice George Lucas, no bite, sit, sittttt (plops down on a giant bean bag chair directly in front of a projector style TV), speak (Chewbacca sounds) nice Georgie.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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