This movie is about a curse on a Polynesian island? So this is like the Chicago Cubs of Disney movies except the billy goat is a lovable piglet and Steve Bartman is a giant tatted dude carrying around a huge fish hook? That is actually what Steve Bartman did until November 2016 to keep his cover from the omnipresent mob of enraged Cubs fans; he moved to a Polynesian island, got a ton of tribal tattoos and became known around the village as the guy who carries around a massive fish hook for some unknown reason. Why does he carry around the fish hook? Nobody knows but the last person who asked him woke up with the head of a Tiki Torch on their pillow.
Why did they make The Rock's character less brawny than The Rock in real life? I love how The Rock battles a cursed rock; this flick is more meta than an Apple vs Mac commercial (The Rock is the Apple product obviously.) Speaking of The Rock, Moana's father is more like The Boulder, am I right? Polynesian fist bump! (Which is actually when you throw a handful of sand in someone's eyes and descend into a solitary laugh riot.)
Moana is Moses with a pooka shell necklace as she slashes through the sea. Her chicken sidekick has the general intelligence of a chicken. The ocean has more personality than most drive time radio talk show hosts; it's program that is highly popular near the equator is called the Reef Beef. Moana's grandma makes Jeff Ross look like Bob Ross after an intense 13 hour painting sesh. In the upcoming sequel, Moana's next quest will be returning the heart of Simon Cowell to its rightful owner, thereby restoring the order of the Fox reality television show universe.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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