Act One
Scene One
(A lonely but optimistic phone book rests on the gummy floor of a dumpster behind a candy factory. A half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich sits next to him beside a water bottle with a weird hole in it and the label scraped off. A Japanese bidet that has been destroyed by soccer hooligans, so enraged after their team lost on penalty kicks after they were tied with the opponent for the entire length of not only regulation but also BOTH overtime periods that they rioted in the International District takes up the rest of the available real estate. Isn't soccer great? If it's the World's game, I must be Matt Damon's character in The Martian except I would have stayed at home which is what I call Mars and just been a straight up boss horticulturalist. The camera pans out to reveal the quadrumvirate wrapped up in a heated game of Trash Hold 'em tighter than that microwavable burrito with a bite out of it over there.)
PHONE BOOK: Man, I gotta get outta here!
HALF EATEN PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH: Why? It's awesome in Dumpster; we have everything that we could ever possibly need.
WATER BOTTLE WITH A WEIRD HOLE IN IT: Half Eaten Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich is right. What do you think you're going to find out there in the real world? (Points menacingly to the opening of the dumpster which looks like it is as tall as the Empire State Building from their point of view)
JAPANESE BIDET THAT HAS BEEN DESTROYED BY DRUNK SOCCER HOOLIGANS: Yeah and you know what happens if you leave. You never come back. EVER. (Flushes and squirts water in the air for dramatic effect, spraying its wings.)
PHONE BOOK: I don't care. Did you hear that guys? I. DON'T. CARE. Why would I want to sit in squalor with you fools for one more day? I'm going to be famous, you'll see. You will all see. That is, you would see if you could watch TV because last time I checked, no one is throwing out TVs that have access to DirecTV. I'm out. (The phone book pauses for a brief moment and turns around slightly to see if he convinced any of his (former) cohorts to join in this courageous mission. None of them even feign the slightest resemblance of a budge in his direction.)
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Wait! Wait, wait, wait don't flip that page yet Phone Book. (The Microwavable Burrito With A Bite Out Of It Over There barely stumbles over towards Phone Book in a drug-induced haze after playing Fortnite since it came out.)
PHONE BOOK: You're actually with me? This isn't another one of your Ashton Kutcher-inspired practical pranks is it? Where's the hidden camera? (Phone Book spins around comedically fast and falls over while he looks for the hidden camera from Bar Rescue. Everyone forgets that they are mad at him and they all laugh.)
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Does a noob floss?
PHONE BOOK: I...I am embarrassed to say that I have no idea what that means.
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: It means I'm coming with ya, you yellow bellied courageous hero.
We will join our friends again soon on their journey to freedom but until then have a nice day, get out there and get some Sun it's good for ya, I don't care what the scientists say they don't deal with the mysterious trappings of the human soul. You need The Sun like The Sun needs you to have someone to talk about it to keep it relevant and in the news other than banished to impossible to find Weather Channel which is actually the whole title of the channel, an unfortunate guerrilla marketing strategy meta-designed by a young executive hopped up on cheese cake more expensive than your Honda, Mad Men and seasonal Starbucks lattes.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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