Act One
Scene Three
(Where will we find our inanimate compatriots next? Will they ever escape the dreaded Elk's Club for raccoons and other ferocious rodents (that seem like they would be fun to hang out with until you remember that they contain rabies and an uncontrollable, Evel Kneviel-level thirst for danger) that the tyrannical Waste Management perpetuated upon them and the rest of their trailer trash buddies? (Half Eaten Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich and Japanese Bidet That Has Been Destroyed By Drunk Soccer Hooligans actually do come from the same Airstream down by the river.) Will Ted ever find the keys to the candy factory and win back his job as night janitor? Hint: They are probably in the giant vat of caramel that he bathed in last weekend after having a few too many Blue Moons while watching the UFC fights and doing something that shouldn't ever be done, not even once in a blue moon.)
PHONE BOOK: How are we ever going to get out of this..this..THING? (Gestures wildly at the Waste Management logo, the Death Star to their Spock.)
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Dang this vile contraption of...
NERD ROPE: Hey y'all!
PHONE BOOK AND THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Gahhhhhhh!!!
NERD ROPE: Ahhhhhhh! (Nerd Rope's plastic wrapper crinkles in surprise.)
PHONE BOOK AND THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE AND NERD ROPE: Gawwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! (Phone Book's pages flip frantically, creating mighty tornado-like conditions that turn into a jet stream of sorts which picks up the trio of misfits, flinging them from the confines of Alcatraz. However, not all is well because all ended decidedly not well for one popular late night munchy snack of college students and 7/11 employees alike. A giant splat rings out, echoing in the alley behind the candy factory like James Franco's cries for help reverberated off the walls of the canyons of Utah as he was pinned underneath a giant boulder and still managed to retain his hipster chill vibes.)
PHONE BOOK: No, no, no...this cannot be happening. There is no way this is happening to me right now.
NERD ROPE: I'm so sorry that...
PHONE BOOK: That Microwavable Burrito With A Bite Out Of It Over Thereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! (Phone Book is sobbing hysterically as he shakes his page tab marker at the heavens like an escapee from the insane asylum for obsolete literature. Nerd Rope tries to console him but he turns away, too embarrassed to even let his listings see what has become of what used to be one of the tent-poles of this country.)
PHONE BOOK: How are we ever going to get out of this..this..THING? (Gestures wildly at the Waste Management logo, the Death Star to their Spock.)
THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Dang this vile contraption of...
NERD ROPE: Hey y'all!
PHONE BOOK AND THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE: Gahhhhhhh!!!
NERD ROPE: Ahhhhhhh! (Nerd Rope's plastic wrapper crinkles in surprise.)
PHONE BOOK AND THAT MICROWAVABLE BURRITO WITH A BITE OUT OF IT OVER THERE AND NERD ROPE: Gawwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! (Phone Book's pages flip frantically, creating mighty tornado-like conditions that turn into a jet stream of sorts which picks up the trio of misfits, flinging them from the confines of Alcatraz. However, not all is well because all ended decidedly not well for one popular late night munchy snack of college students and 7/11 employees alike. A giant splat rings out, echoing in the alley behind the candy factory like James Franco's cries for help reverberated off the walls of the canyons of Utah as he was pinned underneath a giant boulder and still managed to retain his hipster chill vibes.)
PHONE BOOK: No, no, no...this cannot be happening. There is no way this is happening to me right now.
NERD ROPE: I'm so sorry that...
PHONE BOOK: That Microwavable Burrito With A Bite Out Of It Over Thereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! (Phone Book is sobbing hysterically as he shakes his page tab marker at the heavens like an escapee from the insane asylum for obsolete literature. Nerd Rope tries to console him but he turns away, too embarrassed to even let his listings see what has become of what used to be one of the tent-poles of this country.)
Wow, that was just sad. Maybe it's because I just found out that they are going to kill off one of the major characters in the new season of Modern Family. If it's Phil, we will have lost the funniest magician of our generation, a guy who makes the rest of the field of magic-doers look like The Blaine Witch Project.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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