Friday, September 28, 2018

Office Speak Translated

How are you? - Keep it moving.
Hope you have a great weekend! - Let's hope we don't see each other until Monday.
I'm sorry to hear that. - Your problems don't affect me.
Are you going to that company barbecue? - If you say yes, I'm not going to go although I was planning on going. 
What have you been up to? - Please keep your answer to one paragraph max.
Where have you been? - I'm going to report you to the boss and I hope you get fired, receive a terrible severance package and work at a popular chain restaurant.
Did you get that new jet ski? - I'm only interested because I want you to invite me to ride your new jet ski.
Tomorrow is Casual Friday. - You still have to wear underwear, Barry. 
What did you do for the holidays? - No, I don't want to see a Polaroid of your great aunt winning the Annual Johnson Family Limbo Competition although I have to admit that I lost money on it. 
Did you take the last donut in the conference room? -  I'm going to report you to the boss and I hope you get fired, receive a terrible severance package and work at a popular chain restaurant.
Have a great day. - I don't like you as a person, Barry, like your soul makes me feel like I just ate Taco Bell at 3 am.

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Reality TV Shows

Putt Butt: Miniature golf presented by the Kardashian family
Lost in the Fog: The tragedy of lighthouse operators
Blarney Carnys: The delight of Irish carnivals
Barney Carnys: The horror of former children show stars-turned carnys
Running through Flocks
On the Lamb: The Lamb Rodeo featuring Lamb Roping
Singing in Other People's Showers
To Wee or Not to Wee: Close Encounters of the Thurine Kind
Tom Cruise's Bucket List (which includes bungee jumping into a volcano, boxing a Hammerhead Shark and talking to his children again)

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 
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Shark Tank Pitches

Back up camera for cars with college football on Picture-in-picture
A rear view mirror with a Pearl Jam logo and Eddie Vedder dashboard hula dancer
Flannel that comes with a steaming mug of hazelnut coffee, a stack of pancakes and a fake Ryan Fitzpatrick beard with a few hairs from Ryan Fitzpatrick's actual beard nestled in there like whiskers in a hay stack
Bobble head alarm clock
Flip flops that can't make up their mind
Hay Z Boy: Recliner made of dried grass
Dishwasher that gives you advice on important life decisions and is also really good at cleaning those pesky crusty flakes of cheese from your grandma's mac and cheese recipe off your favorite fine China that you received as a gift for your 21st birthday, ironically from your grandmother except it was the other grandma so maybe it's not that ironic, I don't know I would still consider it ironic, what do you think? Call 1-800-AMERICAN-IDOL now!
Interstellar blanket: Space blanket with a picture of Matthew McConaughey grimacing but in a chill way
Shark Year: A year full of shark shows, 24/7, especially The Meg, it gets shown every day at 8 am and 8 pm
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 
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Seeso Cancelled Shows

Todd Glass Yells Directions At Tourists
Garfunkel & Oates Make Small Talk in Line for Coffee
Kyle Kinane: Captain Hunch (He taste tests exotic Cap'n Crunch flavors like Banana Oak, Kiwi Pine and Apple Cedar)
What if Kevin Hart Played That Character? A random panel of blue collar workers imagine what it might be like if Kevin Hart played a character in their favorite movie or TV show
Keeping Up With Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Adam Carolla Yodeling into a Body Pillow
Fashion Advice from the Wolf on Lady Gaga's Head
Ramblings from Johnny Depp's Scarves
Ellen Randomly Delivers Pizza to Strangers and a Flash Mob Shows Up at Their House and They All Start Dancing to Reggae Also There is a Dalmation Running Around
Chelsea the Puppy Handler
Inside Out Amy Schumer: Pixar Movie Reviews
Maria Bamford Smelling Flowers in People's Gardens and They're Confused for a Second but Then They Don't Care Because She Seems Pleasant
Whitney Cummings Berates Uber Drivers
Melissa McCarthy Makes Mundane Everyday Activities Fun
Amy Poehler and Tina Fey: Substitute Principals
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 
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Thursday, September 27, 2018

Thursday Night Football 2nd Half Haikus

Terry, Mike and Howie 
Alright, alright, alrighty
Hair of a LEGO

Wrote many Haikus
Aesthetically pleasing
Here’s one more right there 

Pup rescue yoga
It’s speed dating for canines
With less butt sniffing 

Medical timeout
Thielen goes head to the thigh 
Had concussion rage

John DeFilippo
Sounds like Pauly D’s father
Also has a blowout 

Here’s Goff and Warner 
New age meet the old fella
Both bagged groceries 

Why I like Haikus
There’s a bit of a ramp up 
Could say Mad Libbish 

Zimmer says horse poo
This wedding is horse doo doo
Good film for first half

Jared Goff runs like
Searching for Porta Potty
A fire ant girdle 

Diggs off deflection
Geico continues to shine 
Soothesaying lizard

Fake it to Murray 
Throw it to Murray, Joe Buck
Enjoyed saying that

Robert Woods held on
Inflatable ball bounce off
Those seem dangerous

Another Woods score
See the forest for the trees
Barking up right tree

What is Law Tigers
A Mike Tyson company?
Roy Horn worst nightmare 

Water jet thingy
Credit to Booking dot com 
Yurt advertisers 

Hope you had the over
The steel curtain is no more
Terry is perplexed

Dominos hotspots
Pizza delivered to your
Favorite meadow

Kirk Cousins runs like
He was just taught how to run
Instructional vid 

Kyle Rudolph joke
Christmas is coming early
Red Pinocchio 
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

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Thursday Night Football 1st Half Haikus

Terry, Mike and Howie 
Gap in the teeth and the heart
Rectangular hair

Vince Wilfork eating
Overalls, overall grub
TMZ chowder 

Jared Goff, young buck 
Or should I say young Ram, huh
Nah I meant young buck 

Troy and Joe, TV
Suited and boothed, shining light
On football and things 

Kirk Cousins likes that
Looks like a preacher’s son or
Board game fanatic

Kirk Cousins looks like 
He’s never been to the beach
But plenty of lakes

Kirk, mailman trainee
Costco food demonstrator
Improv class teacher

Diggs hands commercial
They’re sticking to everything 
Except Super Bowl 

Diggs hands commercial
It is fun and creative 
Terrible disease

NLDS Fox
Who doesn’t love baseball, right?
People who get bored 

The Rams uniforms
Reminiscent, simpler time
Before Jersey Shore

The Rams uniforms
Kinda like NFL Blitz 
Or acid nightmare 

The Rams uniforms 
Belong in a museum 
For blind visitors

The Rams uniforms 
Designed in the dark perhaps 
By actual Rams

The Rams uniforms 
Montage from an 80s film
About poor choices 

The Rams uniforms 
Back to the Future was right
Some stuff looks weird now 

Todd Gurley touchdown
Number one pick for many
Teased for name when young

Diggs one handed catch
Just like in the commercial 
Geico is psychic 

Last Man Standing show
Tim Allen smirking in shants
Should have been the name

Last Man Standing show
Home Improvement with fishing
Singing bass, of course 

Last Man Standing show 
Where is Al, I wanna know
I hope Al is there 

Bomb to Cooper Kupp 
Eastern Washington football
Put them on the map

Dalvin and Brandin 
Too many cooks on the pitch
Thought it was futbol 

Aldrick Robinson
Has scored two touchdowns and yet
Still anonymous 

Sean McVay nerdy 
Cribbage superstar, checkers
Actually chess

Watch McDonald’s ads 
These burgers will change your life
Instant happiness 

Backup quarterback
Many say is the best job 
Catch up on emails 

Backup quarterback 
Headset dude, clipboard waver
Feigning interest

Backup quarterback 
Remember Clipboard Jesus
Offensive to some

Backup quarterback 
Always ready to go in
Don’t lose your helmet 

Backup quarterback 
Revered by many but still 
Needs ID for gate

Backup quarterback 
Thankless job, patience needed 
Podcasts would be nice

Backup quarterback 
Understudy, theater geeks
Hamilton mention

Gosling on the moon
Is totally plausible 
If Moon had WiFi 

Gosling on the moon
He can brood in outer space
Need a cool jacket

Gosling on the moon
Call NASA, make it happen
I would enjoy that

Gosling on the moon
A romantic romp perhaps 
Somehow raining there 

Gosling on the moon
Remember the Titans star
Remember that one

Into the Rob Woods
Weird movie with Streep and Depp 
Meet 51 Jump Street 

Cooper Kupp again
Most people still don’t know him
Sandler movie, guess

El Royale movie
Another with seven peeps
3 on 3 with sub

Keep writing Haikus
I can’t stop writing Haikus
Accessible format

Holding on defense
Confusing how it’s either
For sport newcomers 

Cooks in the kitchen
Corner! Coming down the line! 
Ketchup reverend

Pup rescue yoga
Sounds like awesome idea 
Fun doggy orgy

Pup rescue yoga
Downward dog has new meaning
Now more relevant 

Pup rescue yoga
A good place to meet your spouse
Or your new best friend 

Pup rescue yoga 
Just call it a meat and greet
Not my best work, sure 

Brady will face Luck
Except for the small fact that
Luck is on his side 

Turn a phrase or two
Eat a muffin, spin some tracks
Writing goofs for joy

Dan Bailey Cowboys
Pontooned by good ol Jerry
Probably exiled 
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Monday, September 24, 2018

Monday Night Football Haikus

Real estate, huh?
It should be called fake estate 
Location: Money 

Houses sprouting up
Like mushrooms on an island
Where mushrooms would grow 

You just bought a house
Everything working OK?
Wait, no garden hose? 

When I write I feel
Like I’m getting one over 
Tricking y’all to read 

Ryan FitzMagic
Uncles of Anarchy star
Lil Pump with a beard 

Good Juju or bad 
A Million Little Things show
Coping with a loss 

Ryan Pickspatrick
Tosh.0 web redemption 
Someone call Dyrdek 

Just trying to help 
The first public hospital 
Weird eye twitch doctor

Where is Le’Veon?
Renting a jet ski perhaps
Dodge waves, TMZ 

Tomlin intensity 
Burns with the fire of thousands
Of cancerous wasps 

Mr. Dirk Koetter
Will sell you life insurance
Scurvy protection

Meet Tony Toe Tap
His smile will light up a room
Commercial legend

The bookstore mosey
Shuffle your feet while you browse
Reconsider life

How to treat a cat
First ignore them for a bit
Frustration will build 

So many strange books
There’s one about a walrus
In medical school

Touchdown Eddie Brown
Arena football cyclops 
Father of dancer 
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 
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Sunday, September 23, 2018

Sunday Night Football Haikus

Mr. Collinsworth
Eat muppets, squish you in squash 
Sell a used Saturn 

Father Time and Tom
Throw away the calendar
Mirage of wrinkles 

Elon Musk smoked weed
The dude is going to Mars
He puffs the ganja

Obama and weed
Our ol’ stoner president
Zennsylvania Ave 

Farthest red flag toss
Patricia hucked that baby 
Not talking Arquette 

Out of the office
I do wish I could help but 
I’m on Golladay 

Can you hear me now?
Cell phone Benedict Arnold 
Why would we trust you?

Trojan Reggie Bush
Remember halcyon days
Time elevates norms 

Light beer commercials 
You know the way to my heart
Unbridled goofy

Living in my mind
These thoughts, they used to be mine
One sided wife swap 

New Amsterdam doc
Breaking balls like Simon Cowell
With a Seacrest smile 

Yo Salmon Sisters 
Swimming upstream with tablets
The Deadliest Hatch

A coverage sack
When you give the quarterback
Time to order drinks

Matt Stafford looks like
A cool high school bully bro
Who never grew up

Did you know that if 
You say pickle juice three times 
Appears Dane Cook’s ghost 

If I ever quit
Writing I’d come back each day
Cuz I’m never done
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 
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