Honk if you are a dirty sinner
Jesus died for Jay Leno's chin
Jesus died for Jay Leno's chin
The devil is watching you through that little camera on your iPhone
Jesus died for Tom Brady's Super Bowl wins
Welcome to Heaven: The WiFi password is BruceAlmightyIsARipOff
Jesus died for Messi's shins
Welcome to Heaven: Please wipe your shoes on the door cloud
Jesus died for your dentist's minty fresh grin
Welcome to Heaven: Hell's cool vice principal
The H in Jesus H. Christ stands for Heaven
Welcome to Heaven: Have you seen Keith Richards? He hopped the back fence of the pearly gates on a Bird Scooter a few months back when the Stones were touring Central America
Welcome to Heaven: Our sandwiches are fresher than Subway
Welcome to Heaven: Our sandwiches are toastier than Quiznos
Welcome to Heaven: Our sandwiches have more obnoxious commercials than Jimmy John's
Welcome to Heaven: No, sorry we don't have any pigskin here, football lives in Hell
Welcome to Heaven: Text SAINT to watch an inspirational speech from Drew Brees that he performed in front of a foster home full of Golden Retriever puppies, captivating them like a tennis ball in a burlap sack
Welcome to Heaven: The soup of the day is cottage cheese
Welcome to Heaven: Have you ever imagined what it might be like to walk on cottage cheese? That's what it's like up here stomping around on these clouds
Welcome to Heaven: Ned Flanders was right all along
Welcome to Heaven: A cottage built entirely out of Muenster cheese...You are welcome, Shark Tank, I'll take ten percent for a third of the curds
Welcome to Heaven: All dogs come here but we frown upon feline entry
Welcome to Heaven: Don't trust the name Angel Hair pasta, it's a lie, if they actually used the hair of angels for pasta it would taste a little bit like a Reese's Pieces milkshake drenched in Sriracha which is really delicious despite what your immature palette may be telling you
Welcome to Heaven: Come see Robin Williams perform a stand up set at our universe-famous comedy club, UCBC, also thank you to the ghost of the courier who sent him our way an open handful of Midnight Masses too early
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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