It's time for the big Playa del Buff Contest as Next Stop: Never has finally hit the theaters and dropkick Murphy'd the box office into a million little pieces. Tens of thousands of eager lookers-on braved the arctic climate conditions, meticulously lined the thoroughfare and took to their REI sleeping bags, pup tents from Cabela's and Guy Fieri-certified and authenticated mini bacon grills or folded back the front seat of their Ford Fiesta to make it a party as they settled in for the wait in line for the long-awaited premiere of The Rock's newest moving picture. This was one of those rare moving picture premiere lines that actually allowed cars to wait in line so it pretty much looked like a Mecum Auction or a Discovery Channel show or an Adam Carolla daydream up in there in front of AMCs and Regals alike.
Then this crazy thing happened, this one now defunct Hummer nearly got into a fender blender with a brand new Nissan Leaf that was in the midst of a hue alteration which was truly breathtaking and has been featured in many a magazine that you pretend to read in the waiting room for the chiropractor as you stealthily spy on the other patients and guess how they got their back injuries. (I bet that old dude with the grey handlebar mustache tripped and fell while he was buffing his Harley Davidson motorcycle sidecar in his shared driveway...Wow, I didn't know pumpkin spice was in this Autumn, I gotta peruse the holiday aisle at Trader Joe's more often...That middle-aged lady with the huge gem rings, bold dream catcher-fanny pack combo that would make both Joe Rogan and Crow Rogan shout out rave reviews in synchronization (Synchronized Shouting Out is the most underrated Olympic Sport besides Texting and closely followed by Texting While Pretending To Listen. Native Brooklynites have dominated Synchronized Shouting Out for some odd forty seven years with their only stumble being the occasional lack of synchronization but they are always up to par in the shouting department, well above the bar in fact, you could say that they birdied the shouting department...The Shouting Department has been voted the worst working environment at Macy's for seventeen months running now in their monthly company magazine, The March Away From The Marche.) and donning a flannel that looks like the wallpaper from my favorite college bar probably hurt her back when she was wind sprinting to the TV to set the DVR for the season finale broadcast of Ghost Adventures...I had no idea that NOW is the best time to go on an adventure, oh my gosh, please tell me more about where I can rent a stand up paddleboard but first we'll need to know where I can adopt a Golden Retriever puppy, how to build a perfect bird duplex and where to get a family...What about that girl in a local junior college cheerleading outfit, she probably rattled her bones in a dune buggy competition that was based on a combination of the new Mad Max and a roller derby match with the typical flurry of fists flying in the forecast for that Friday's fracas...These fine china bowls look nice, we should have some nice bowls for you to eat your porridge, Hank, why don't we have any nice bowls? Oh yeah, that's right, because ALL OUR DINNERWARE IS PAPER YOU LAZY, WASTEFUL, NON DISHES DOING FOOL, YOU ARE SINGLE-HANDEDLY TAKING FORTNIGHTS OFF ED BEGLEY JR'S WONDERFULLY SUSTAINABLE LIFE, ARE YOU GOING TO RIDE A HUFFY ACROSS THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY FOR WALNUT FARMING AWARENESS, I DON'T THINK SO MISTER BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T LEFT THE DAVENPORT SINCE MY HALF BIRTHDAY, YOU HANK! *audible muffled, husband-sounding noises* WHEN IS MY HALF BIRTHDAY, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR OWN WIFE'S HALF BIRTHDAY IS? OOOOOH, THAT'S MY HANK, AT LEAST I KNOW THAT THE ALIENS HAVEN'T GOT TO YOU AND THROWN YOUR SKIN ON LIKE A WET SUIT YET, HAVE YOU CHECKED THE PARANORMAL SUN DIAL TODAY BY THE WAY?...That fella with a handlebar mustache probably tripped and fell while he was walking to GNC to pick up some mustache oil, a Fonzie-brand comb and a St. Louis Browns baseball jersey.)
Interestingly enough, speaking of hatchback electric cars mysteriously shifting colors before our eyes, the Cleveland Browns just got finished up with a Hue Alteration as the sorry often-sacked sad sack of an excuse for a professional football franchise deemed the blueprint for the firing of their head coach. (They fired their head coach, Hue Jackson, after he had collected a 3-36-1 record for those of you reading this in 2044. Also for those of you reading this in 2044, football used to be this sport where people wore helmets and a bunch of pads and smashed into each other in the name of being the next Kardashian ex. Also for those of you reading this in 2044, the Kardashians were this royal family that became the most famous family in the whole world because of the thinly veiled platform known as reality TV, the explosion off the corporate boardroom bar chart of social media (and surfing your smart phone while you are literally surfing, where's your Apple sponsorship Kelly Slater?) and America's addiction to keeping up with things (also, we love alliteration, things that are fake and being told what we love.). Also for those of you reading this in 2044, please hand over the device to your robot overlord when you are finished and don't make any sudden movements so as to not startled them or the hologram of Will Smith who is method bungee jumping in the corner of your living room that is now purely titanium, has a bunch of automatic sliding doors that almost squished your tabby cat like a sadder whoopee cushion but also a frozen yogurt dispenser which is probably the sweetest and most scrumptious part of the whole robot overlord thing (you see, I, Robot was this Will Smith sci-fi flick about robots taking over the world and now y'all got iRobots on dock at the Apple Store.)
Hue Alteration is also what tanning salons call their service so too many people don't get scared off because of the whole skin cancer dealy. Alas, there was an almost-accident between a Hummer and a Leaf (you might say that the retired sport utility vehicle that makes the Canyonero from The Simpsons look like a Grand Caravan parked outside of a Canyon's restaurant found itself between a rock and a Leaf place) which quickly transformed The Rock's Coming Soon to Netflix queue into a county fair talent show-level spotlight (like, I'm talking about the kind of spotlight that could only shine down on a butter sculpting contest that takes place right smack dab in the middle of Iowa...Smack Dabbing is also, in all likelihood, the most effective method of butter sculpture sculpting that is also recommended by three out of Pi judges in Sculpting a Butter Life, a tri-quarterly brochure that is distributed at most Flying J's across America's Heartburnland.)
Then this crazy thing happened, this one now defunct Hummer nearly got into a fender blender with a brand new Nissan Leaf that was in the midst of a hue alteration which was truly breathtaking and has been featured in many a magazine that you pretend to read in the waiting room for the chiropractor as you stealthily spy on the other patients and guess how they got their back injuries. (I bet that old dude with the grey handlebar mustache tripped and fell while he was buffing his Harley Davidson motorcycle sidecar in his shared driveway...Wow, I didn't know pumpkin spice was in this Autumn, I gotta peruse the holiday aisle at Trader Joe's more often...That middle-aged lady with the huge gem rings, bold dream catcher-fanny pack combo that would make both Joe Rogan and Crow Rogan shout out rave reviews in synchronization (Synchronized Shouting Out is the most underrated Olympic Sport besides Texting and closely followed by Texting While Pretending To Listen. Native Brooklynites have dominated Synchronized Shouting Out for some odd forty seven years with their only stumble being the occasional lack of synchronization but they are always up to par in the shouting department, well above the bar in fact, you could say that they birdied the shouting department...The Shouting Department has been voted the worst working environment at Macy's for seventeen months running now in their monthly company magazine, The March Away From The Marche.) and donning a flannel that looks like the wallpaper from my favorite college bar probably hurt her back when she was wind sprinting to the TV to set the DVR for the season finale broadcast of Ghost Adventures...I had no idea that NOW is the best time to go on an adventure, oh my gosh, please tell me more about where I can rent a stand up paddleboard but first we'll need to know where I can adopt a Golden Retriever puppy, how to build a perfect bird duplex and where to get a family...What about that girl in a local junior college cheerleading outfit, she probably rattled her bones in a dune buggy competition that was based on a combination of the new Mad Max and a roller derby match with the typical flurry of fists flying in the forecast for that Friday's fracas...These fine china bowls look nice, we should have some nice bowls for you to eat your porridge, Hank, why don't we have any nice bowls? Oh yeah, that's right, because ALL OUR DINNERWARE IS PAPER YOU LAZY, WASTEFUL, NON DISHES DOING FOOL, YOU ARE SINGLE-HANDEDLY TAKING FORTNIGHTS OFF ED BEGLEY JR'S WONDERFULLY SUSTAINABLE LIFE, ARE YOU GOING TO RIDE A HUFFY ACROSS THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY FOR WALNUT FARMING AWARENESS, I DON'T THINK SO MISTER BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T LEFT THE DAVENPORT SINCE MY HALF BIRTHDAY, YOU HANK! *audible muffled, husband-sounding noises* WHEN IS MY HALF BIRTHDAY, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR OWN WIFE'S HALF BIRTHDAY IS? OOOOOH, THAT'S MY HANK, AT LEAST I KNOW THAT THE ALIENS HAVEN'T GOT TO YOU AND THROWN YOUR SKIN ON LIKE A WET SUIT YET, HAVE YOU CHECKED THE PARANORMAL SUN DIAL TODAY BY THE WAY?...That fella with a handlebar mustache probably tripped and fell while he was walking to GNC to pick up some mustache oil, a Fonzie-brand comb and a St. Louis Browns baseball jersey.)
Interestingly enough, speaking of hatchback electric cars mysteriously shifting colors before our eyes, the Cleveland Browns just got finished up with a Hue Alteration as the sorry often-sacked sad sack of an excuse for a professional football franchise deemed the blueprint for the firing of their head coach. (They fired their head coach, Hue Jackson, after he had collected a 3-36-1 record for those of you reading this in 2044. Also for those of you reading this in 2044, football used to be this sport where people wore helmets and a bunch of pads and smashed into each other in the name of being the next Kardashian ex. Also for those of you reading this in 2044, the Kardashians were this royal family that became the most famous family in the whole world because of the thinly veiled platform known as reality TV, the explosion off the corporate boardroom bar chart of social media (and surfing your smart phone while you are literally surfing, where's your Apple sponsorship Kelly Slater?) and America's addiction to keeping up with things (also, we love alliteration, things that are fake and being told what we love.). Also for those of you reading this in 2044, please hand over the device to your robot overlord when you are finished and don't make any sudden movements so as to not startled them or the hologram of Will Smith who is method bungee jumping in the corner of your living room that is now purely titanium, has a bunch of automatic sliding doors that almost squished your tabby cat like a sadder whoopee cushion but also a frozen yogurt dispenser which is probably the sweetest and most scrumptious part of the whole robot overlord thing (you see, I, Robot was this Will Smith sci-fi flick about robots taking over the world and now y'all got iRobots on dock at the Apple Store.)
Hue Alteration is also what tanning salons call their service so too many people don't get scared off because of the whole skin cancer dealy. Alas, there was an almost-accident between a Hummer and a Leaf (you might say that the retired sport utility vehicle that makes the Canyonero from The Simpsons look like a Grand Caravan parked outside of a Canyon's restaurant found itself between a rock and a Leaf place) which quickly transformed The Rock's Coming Soon to Netflix queue into a county fair talent show-level spotlight (like, I'm talking about the kind of spotlight that could only shine down on a butter sculpting contest that takes place right smack dab in the middle of Iowa...Smack Dabbing is also, in all likelihood, the most effective method of butter sculpture sculpting that is also recommended by three out of Pi judges in Sculpting a Butter Life, a tri-quarterly brochure that is distributed at most Flying J's across America's Heartburnland.)
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com 
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