Fade in from black to reveal a murder of former action movie stars (the correct terminology for measuring a group of former action movie stars like a murder of crows or a fast food restaurant of cows) tirelessly pushing one of those giant wooden things that's in the bottom deck of a pirate ship that a bunch of piratey kind of dudes wearing silver masks and those lead aprons that you wear when you get an x ray at the dentist would shove around in a circle while an old dude with a parrot on his shoulder, a wave pool of rum in his tummy and a wild hair that he is hiding underneath his dope pirate hat, so dope that Captain Jack Sparrow was like, "Whattttttt...where did you get that, Navy? Like Old Navy except it is in the olden days right now so we just call it Navy. Don't get me started on Native American Eagle or Coconut Republic. Not too mention, Bow and Arrowpostale and Spencer's Gifts. Spencer is the name of my co-captain's step son; he's given me the same hourglass of sand from Barbados for International Talk Like A Pirate Day for a booty of years now (even including Leap off the Plank Years), not bad for a landlubber but my timbers remained sturdily warm and intact." Also, all the pirate peeps taking in the view (not the popular daytime television show as pirates are more wont to tune in to Dr. Phil whose words of wisdom have jumbled up the code to Davy Jones's locker for many an ol' seadog) are chanting and hooting and hollering (Hooting and Hollering is my favorite Carl Hiaasen novel about a marauding group of Florida panhandle hooligans who goes searching for a buried treasure off the Cape of Delusion and finds something much, much more invaluable; a time capsule of old porno magazines from the 70s) like it's a sanctioned CrossFit competition or a Fitbit commercial or a Bob It-off and throwing buckets of water on the big dudes for some reason but probably to make them angry so they push that wooden thing in a circle faster. In the corner, a shadowy figure does air arm curls while writing a Bruce Springsteen song with their body language. Push ups signify their climbing of the ladder of the dock industry. Pull ups remember the time they brought the keg to the water tower to impress Cindy but then when they showed up at the big function at the water tower Cindy was already making out with Steve while Tom crept on them from the bushes and Rachel applied a temporary tattoo of a bald eagle to her cheek while taking in the whole situation. Burpees call back to the effervescent aftermath of said water tower soiree (I saw Effervescent Aftermath open for The Price is Right and let's just say that the fee that was levied that night was pretty spot on). Sit ups represent that time when you drag raced your best friend and woke up in a Dazed and Confused cover band, Hangry and Perplexed (I'm just gonna say it already: movies should have cover bands, why is everyone around here so filmist? Also, Hangry and Perplexed are in my favorite 70s buddy detective TV show, Calorie Assassins...in next week's primetime season finale of Calorie Assassins, Perplexed tries to figure out how to operate a rotary phone while Hangry discovers the true meaning of happiness at the local dinery after ordering a blueberry muffin and being accidentally served a hazelnut muffin...so pretty much, in other words, Hangry finds out that he really loves hazelnut and it rocks his red and blue checkered socks right off, somehow teleporting through his hush puppies and into the dark night.)
SHADOWY FIGURE IN THE CORNER WHO TURNS OUT TO BE TOM CRUISE BUT IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIGURE OUT THAT IT IS THE TOM CRUISE UNTIL HE BEGINS TO RANT ON AND ON ABOUT THE COUNTLESS BENEFITS OF ALIENS AND HOW HE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A BURIAL PROCESSION THAT IS TO BE LED BY THE NEWEST HONDA SPEED BIKE OFFERING: Hey, I didn't see you there. *gestures to the camera like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball except he is more egomaniacal than White Goodman, like Tom Cruise wouldn't even work out at Globo Gym because he doesn't want to mingle with the regulars...the funny thing about it is that it is totally true, Tom Cruise couldn't go to any public gym, he would get carried out of there like a half-drunk old man college football coach from the 1950s crowd surfing off the field after his team just defeated Notre Dame because Notre Dame had like seven football teams back then...seriously I'm not kidding, check the tape* You're probably wondering why I'm doing such vigorous air arm curls in the corner like some sort of headlining freak from a super popular and internationally famous freak show that would force Hugh Jackman and the entire cast of The Greatest Showman to reconsider to legitimacy of the name of their film...they might have to change it to The Second Greatest Showman or The Greatest Showman For A Brief Period Of Time In History Before Tom Cruise Seized Possession Of The Title Belt Through A Series Of Hangry And Perplexing Spider Webs Of The Mind And Well Timed Roundhouse Kicks That Would Make Chuck Norris Look More Like Major League Free Agent Pitcher Bud Norris. Well, let me let you in on a little secret, my judgmental friend...I'm training for the highly touted and publicized air arm curl competition that we put on every time a movie featuring The Rock is released in theaters. There have been like six competitions in the past twenty two months, it's getting kind of ridiculous at this point. I'm getting a little tired of doing these air arm curls, my biceps are actually starting to get sore, like for real, air gets heavy after a while, dawg! Those molecules are not playing games, we like to call it Atom and Eve around these parts. Anyway, I'm getting off topic, sometimes I will get myself all worked up about the next Playa del Buff Contest...I heard The Rock has a movie coming out in March about a dude who saves a whole bus full of people when this city bus gets the brakes cut but the twist is that that dude has an alter ego who was actually the one who cut the city bus brakes in the first place. It is sort of like a Speed meets Split with a pinch of Taxi sprinkled on top for good measure and also a dash of The Rock, the Nicolas Cage vehicle, not The Rock The Rock, there will be more than a dash of The Rock The Rock in this one, he'll be in the whole thing for the most part. It's gonna be called Next Stop: Never. If you think that is good, you will love the working title of the film, Life Is Not Fare.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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