The camera frying pans over to reveal an Empire State Building replica of the expensive Whole Foods version of Wheat Thins slathered in goat cheese. This isn't just any ordinary Empire State Building replica of the expensive Whole Foods version of Wheat Thins smothered in goat cheese though; this is the Empire State Building replica of the expensive Whole Foods version of Wheat Thins spattered in the cheese of goats that won the first prize ribbon in the grand World Famous Monument Food Sculpture competition that is held every other August at the County Fair in Cottage County, Wisconsin and every third May by the burial ground behind the town crick and the spot where old Mr. Johnson laid to rest the bodies of those poor trick or treaters who made the wrong decision to fork old Mr. Johnson's sideyard on that fateful Halloween night and paid for it for the rest of eternity. Old Mr. Johnson ended up going to Cottage County Penitentiary for the remainder of his life which was, miraculously for the cranky sonofapistol, some odd fourteen years, seven months, seventeen days, four hours and thirty six seconds. Legend has it (they borrowed it last summer when they asked Folk Tale if they could use their weed wacker and Folk Tale has been harboring a grudge against Legend ever since while jamming out to the sweet melodies of The Head and the Heart, wearing a Snap Back North Face ball cap and a pencil mustache, so thin that not even time itself could decipher its flight pattern. Also, Folk Tale is rocking a sweet pair of Robin Hood green tights and belt buckle combo. Also, how is there not a rapper named Robbin' the Hood or Hood Robbin'? This is a glaringly obvious missed opportunity by the entire hip hop community; take a chance, Chance!
SHEILA JUDGNER, SHARK FOOD TANK JUDGE #1: Awful...This is one of the most dreadful ideas I have ever been presented in my many years of judging reality TV shows. What else have I worked on you ask? Well, thank you for asking, that is so polite of you. *gestures at the whole audience with a sweeping wave of her limp hand* *audience breaks for applause, bravely and finally standing up against the tyranny of applause signs and letting their collective Shark Food Tank taping audience rebel heart have an early Thanksgiving feast* For twelve years in my thirties I traversed about the canals of western Europe with nothing more than one of those swan paddle boats, a 1984 Rand McNally trucker road map and a keg full of peanuts that were donated by Virgin Airlines after not being used in the past calendar year...As for reality TV shows that I have been a judge on, they are numerous and there are simply too many to delve into at this time and at this place and, alas, the moment has already passed.
TANK WATSON, JUDGE #2: Dreary...This is perhaps the lamest presentation I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of. You should apologize to your high school Home Ec teacher or grandma or whoever taught you how to cook. If that, what you call a "Shark Food Tank Entry", was a worm, the, I'm talking about THE Red Robin would sniff you for a bit and toss you around a little with their beak but never eat you because even the popular burger chain has better taste than you, you rotten, rotten excuse for a chef. When you get home, I want you to thoughtfully scribe a letter to Jon Favreau or email the guy or attach a Post-It note to the Twitter bird or whatever it is that you millennials do these days, I can't keep up with the crowd anymore, the noise is too much for me and my ears are delicate little tulips...Tulip Ear is when your ears are too sensitive, like a version of Cauliflower Ear that has penetrated the NPR-verse. Now, what was I saying? Ah yes, send that nice fella from the Swingers picture (not the tall one who looks like the sixth man on a church basketball league team, the swarthy galoot who looks like he just flew the coop but not before copping his old man's assemblage of button ups, fancy colognes and Burt's Bees chap sticks that he has brought together after several decades of working as a traveling snake oil pitch artist) a note to apologize to him for tossing a handful of basil on the good name of chefs everywhere in regards to his 2014 film that is titled as such.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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