Unicycle Halfpipe *Bonus points for not wearing a helmet.
Cattle Poking *Bonus points for doing it blindfolded.
Nagging *Bonus points for threatening to take the Labradoodle in the break up.
Lobster Pinching *One variety is you pinch the lobster and the other is they pinch you but either way it is Jalen Rose's favorite sport of all time, even more than basketball. Bonus points if you are or have ever identified as Yung Pinch.
Llama Harmonizing *Bonus points for being able to tell the difference between a llama and alpaca.
Stomach Settling *Bonus points for eating Taco Bell the night before.
Stomach Upsetting *Minus points for eating Taco Bell the night before.
Bacon Sniffing *Bonus points for it being cured bacon (bacon that listens to The Cure, of course). Even more bonus points if you are Kevin Bacon or within six degrees of him or have watched The Air Up There within the last decade and a third.
Capturing Lizards In Glass Jars *Bonus points if it is the Geico Lizard...I can hear you right now saying to yourself, "But Chris, it's the Geico Gecko!" And to that, I say, "Lions, tigers, what's the difference, you figured out what I meant. Good day to you...I said good day!" (Picks up a random top hat off the sidewalk, dusts it off and plops it delicately on my gelled, spiked hair and pulls a monocle out of my sock. Who doesn't keep a monocle in their sock? Some people keep cash in the sock drawer but that's where I hide my stash of monocles or as I like to call it, my Monopoly Money.
Jumping In A Barrel From A Pretty High Height Like Enough To Roll An Ankle Or Delocate A 90s NBA Snapback *Bonus points if it is a Charlotte Hornets snapback or if you are Michael Jordan. Extra bonus points if the barrel contains a rodeo clown. Extra extra bonus points if the barrel is a Jim Beam barrel and Mila Kunis is chillin' next to it and leaning on it because she drank too much Jim Beam which is like an eighth of a tumbler. Extra extra extra bonus points, newspaper blog for sale, read all about it!
Breathing *Bonus points for mouth breathing and extra bonus points for mouth breathing while munching on a hearty breakfast. Extra bonus points if you are underwater or have seen The Shape of Water since you were confused and thought you were going to Aquaman but then you were like, "Whattttttttt...this is dope, too. Let that fish dude cook!"
Treading Water *Bonus points for listening to Aqua in a pair of waterproof earbuds, watching Aquaman (or The Shape of Water but you thought you were going to Aquaman but then you were like, "My eyesight is turrible...absolutely turrible..") on an in-pool, underwater TV (even though Aquaman is not even out yet so extra bonus points for finding a copy of a screener of the film) and/or doing it in synchronization with a class of elderly people with those funny elderly people swim caps on at the YMCA in your community.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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