Q: How does it feel to get handed a beat down by your arch rival?
A: It feels great, Ted, I haven't felt this good since my morning Frosted Flakes and Honey Nut Cheerios graveyard mix topped with tap water, none of that Fiji baloney for this guy, no siree bob...No, I don't want you to play Bob Dylan's greatest hits but I appreciate you going the extra mile, Siri, thanks for the A plus effort, you just earned a leaf of gage on your helmet.
Q: What did you tell the fellas at the half that inspired them to come out and get outscored by the Buckeyes 17 to nothing in the third quarter?
A: Well, first we all gathered 'round and joined hands while we watched Kurt Russell's incredibly motivational pregame speech from the movie Miracle on one of those old school projector dealies from a drive in movie theater then we all sat down criss cross applesauce in a crescent moon configuration and knocked out a few intense minutes of hot yoga while listening to Shpongle on my Alexa and my graduate assistants solemnly romped around with some nice platters of steaming hot chamomile herbal tea and freshly made modified s'mores (with cookies and cream Hershey's bars instead of the traditional chocolate flavor, yeah it's in my fab five of desserts for sure, we like to get pretty freaky up there in the Oven Mitt State!) while they intermittently casually flung handfuls of freshly plucked sage leaves from my garden (my thumb is greener than our third string quarterback who is not only red but also blue, orange and yellow shirted) on the sorest of players's shoulders and handed out only the most rallying and rousing of the fortune cookie fortunes that they had to devoutly devour several hundreds of dollars worth of Chinese food while binge watching only the most highly recommended of the Netflix shows in their treasure hunt for a way to give this squad a coffin corner punt in the gut...Yeah sure that's exactly what I did, Sally, ya silly goon, I slapped 'em in the butt and told 'em to give 'em heck.
Q: Where do you go from here?
A: Well, first, straight from here I'm probably gonna hit up the Buffalo Wild Wings down the street and grab some sixty cent wings, maybe play some giant Fruit Ninja, pound down some pitchers of Bud Light with my assistant coaches while we talk smack about our ex wives and hit on the bartenders, really just get back to the basics that make this country the greatest one in the world, am I right or am I Ohio?
Q: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
A: Now, if you'll excuse me, my bat signal just went off, the WiFi is terrible in this godforsaken town, I think the dang thing has been dinging since the opening kickoff, you're my boy, Bluetooth! *Hurls a black cape in the air in an extravagant manner but not before slapping on a Pulp Fiction gimp mask and peering out from behind the cape to make sure that all the reporters are recording the dramatic series of events on their iPhones so they can post it on Snapchat and their other various social media platforms then throwing a handful of chalk in the air in an anti homage to Ohio's most famous descendant and disappearing into the night sky on a mad witch hunt for honey Dijon glazed chicken wings flanked by celery sticks*
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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