Have you ever gone to the ATM and forgotten why you needed money? When's the last time you forgot your pesky debit card in the machine, only to return mere minutes later to find it to be nothing more than dust in the wind? Are you sick and tired of punching in all those annoying digits for your Maddening PIN code that you always seem to be getting mixed up with your dog's birthday? What's the deal with service charges - wouldn't that be like requiring an admission fee to go to the beach? Would you pay to go to the beach? What if it was a beach that always had a sick volleyball match going on that the only requirement for competitors is that they wear jeans? How bout dem Red Deliciouses? Well, worry no more my anxious pen pal! My Anxious Pen Pal is my favorite Weezer album from the 90s, by the way, kind of like a Pinkerton but with more salad days angst. (More of a crouton medley, if you will...Wait nope? Well, good thing I checked in with ya.) (I think if you wear glasses without lenses, hang out with your friends's dogs more than your human friends and are an avid collector of both traditional and non-traditional cardigans, you should be required by Smooth Criminal Law to call your youthful years your kale days.) Coming this New Year, TruTV is presenting an even truer example of people getting super confused by stuff on hidden camera but you know they had to sign a release to be filmed so it is pretty much their best impression of Daniel Day Lewis method acting as Abe Lincoln in line for the buffet at crafts and services. (Fourscore and seven dishes of the E.P.'s Great Aunt Susan's industry-famous casserole ago (she is really just the E.P.'s regular aunt but they call her their great aunt because she always brings a fanny pack of her delicious casserole with her wherever she travels, even on planes, sometimes TSA gets hungry.)...) I would love to see a montage of Daniel Day Lewis method acting as Abe Lincoln and doing random everyday activities that we take for granted, like this is what would happen if Abe Lincoln got his order messed up at Starbucks; spoiler alert: there is a reason why they call him Honest Abe, perhaps a little too honest if you ask a tearful starting five of baristas at the brick and more-room-tar store just off the 101 outside of Sherman Oaks. Meet Automated Talking Machine, the wackiest device since Back to the Future's Grays Sports Almanac correctly predicted that Doc Brown would once again spend Valentine's Day alone with his brigade of robots, miniature scale version of important architectural structures and piles upon piles of piles of Monopoly money, a heinous investment that the good doctor made in the late 60s while snowshoeing through a thick fog of psychedelia, skeet shooting with the devil and buckling up for a roller coaster of good vibes. Don't let LeBron send you to Damon Jones's locker; check out the best new show on TV since Two and a Half Men reinvented itself when Charlie Sheen turned into the real life Doc Brown except without the knowledge about scientific theories but twice the sciencey bravado. Here is a brief commercial trailer for the newest season which you can search for wherever you find videos of cats playing with their shadow.
0:00-0:04 - The first shot (from the point of view of the security camera on the Automated Talking Machine) is of an incredibly irritated middle-aged lady spiking her crocodile skin purse Gronk style on the pavement like she just caught a touchdown to win the Super Bowl of Reality TV.
Lady: "Excuse me, what did you just say to me?"
Automated Talking Machine: "I said have you found love yet or did you forget that feeling too like your PIN number? Ah ha - ah ha - ah ha *Kawhi Leonard laugh but less robotic*
0:04-0:09 - An elderly man wearing a New York Mets ball cap that looks like it just got ran over by a monorail in honor of Apu's departure from The Simpsons stares blankly at the machine with an utterly boggled mind; the left and right half of his brain are locked ankle deep in a heated game of Twister. He looks like he is trying to remember the last time he rode a bicycle. He looks like he is trying to remember the last time he signed up for a spin class and didn't go because he forgot his cycling sneakers. He looks like he is trying to remember who Lance Armstrong is and leaning towards astronaut.
Elderly man in a New York Mets ball cap that looks like it just got ran over by a monorail: Where am I?
Automated Talking Machine: Go home, Fred. These nice people have been patiently waiting in line and watching you try to jam that crinkled one dollar bill into my cash deposit slot like you are trying to cop the last two 100 Grand Bars in a broken vending machine for almost a whole episode of Adult Swim.
Elderly man in a New York Mets ball cap that looks like it just got ran over by a monorail: What's the soup of the day?
Automated Talking Machine: Cream of...wait a second, I'm not going to let you trick me again ya ol' fart now scram - get!
Elderly man in a New York Mets ball cap that looks like it just got ran over by a monorail quickly gathers up his belongings and bolts for the exit which really means that he could just turn and run in any direction but he frantically knocks over a hot cocoa vendor in the process.
0:09-0:13 - A gang of teenage hooligans attempt to break the Automated Talking Machine with their longboards as the machine begs for mercy or a sooner singularity.
Automated Talking Machine: Why? Why? Whyyyyyyy? Aghhhhhhhhh! *Sparks fly as the machine goes back to December, when this exact scenario already happened except the gang of teenage hooligans were hitting it with their snowboards and bindings*
Teenage hooligan number one: Take that technology!
Teenage hooligan number two: Yeah, try sending that to Mars, Elon Musk!
Teenage hooligan number three: Eat my short stories, Feds!
Automated Talking Machine: Well...at...least*Final dying gasp* they aren't on their phones. Finally, some quality face...to...face...timeeeeeeeeeee....Gahhhhh! *Needs a reboot - please call 1-800-ATMChat*
0:13-0:17 - A woman in her 20s sips a seasonal Starbucks cappuccino as she walks her Shih Tzu and acts out a Gap commercial. She is singing the song, Bubbly, by Colbie Caillat to herself as she scrunches her little nose in confusion. The Automated Talking Machine is not impressed by her Sears Christmas catalog good looks but decides to pursue a relationship nevertheless because it wants to have something to talk about at the next Automated Talking Machine convention in Bakersfield because, you know, Bakersfield.
Automated Talking Machine: Whatcha doin' later?
Colbie Caillat disciple: I'm going to an expensive dinner at a nice Italian restaurant with my fiance - why do you ask?
Automated Talking Machine: Uhh...guhhh...buhhh. No reason, I was just asking for a friend, the mailbox over there. *A waterfall of sweat cascades down the Automated Talking Machine, causing it to malfunction and once again sparks fly but not with the whole asking her out on a date thing*
0:17-0:23 - A businessman in a fancy suit with gelled back hair and real sunglasses, like not from a Kwik-E-Mart, (shout out again, Apu) and with a specialized case and all the works, and two dualing Blackberry cell phones both strapped to his belt loop like the most wheelin' and dealin' fella in the old west. Everyone in the saloon would definitely do a double take when he ambled through the wooden doors. The man is a walking poster for the USA Network in all its pleated crispness glory.
Automated Talking Machine: How's the stock market doing this morning?
USA Network dude: It's a Bull market out there, baby, they should call me Heir Jordan!
Automated Talking Machine: *All of a sudden embarrassed to be seen with the USA Network dude and looking around in a paranoid fashion to make sure no one sees them together* Uhh, sorry I asked.
0:23-0:30 - A wife and husband pay the Automated Talking Machine a visit to begin a college fund for their oldest daughter, Green Olive.
Wife: Hello? We would like to start a college fund for our daughter.
Husband: Yes, hello Automated Talking Machine. We have heard great things about all the new advances in technology - it sure is crazy what those good folks in Silicon Valley can do with all this cool stuff these days! Am I right? I'm just a poor old farm boy from Iowa or Idaho or Indiana or one of those, I can't even remember myself - it's that boring of a story! You sir, are an example of the tremendous capabilities of our American democracy and all that it has to offer the world through the power of globalization.
Automated Talking Machine: *Cracks its knuckles* Do y'all know the TV show Wife Swap? Well, you see that mailbox over there?
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
No comments:
Post a Comment