Another New York futbol Giants match is in the record books as Eli Manning has once again led them to an embarrassing defeat as this time they fell to the New Haven Regional Volunteer Fire Department 41-28 in front of a scattering of bundled up and some bespectacled spectators (it looked a little bit like a Brooklyn Dodgers World Series game in the 1950s at Ebbets Field except with less racism and more yoga pants, themed fanny packs and those hand warmers that you shake up for fifteen minutes and then they stay warm for maybe fifteen minutes if you didn't get a dud...by the way, excuse my digression (Excuse My Digression is going to be the title of my auto biography) but Milk Duds are without a sliver of a doubt the biggest margin of airballed three point shot by a candy marketing department...what's next, French Toast Faux Pas? Buttered Blunders? Goofstoppers? Whoops, Looks Like We Dropped the Gumball Again? Banana Blunders? Banana Blunders is actually the most viewed fail video on YouTube, consisting of an extensive montage of people slipping on bananas, choking and getting Heimlich'd in the midst of a head to head banana bread eating competition against Joey Banana Bread (you know, like Joey Chestnut...I shouldn't have to explain myself at this point in time, we've gone over this before...Banana Breads Roasting On an Open Fire is my favorite Nat King Cole song, though, and the proper way to prepare the delicacy according to the oracle of Guy Fieri's frosted tips who is also my favorite character in The Matrix and should be the name of the Golden State Warriors's home arena that would offer free haircuts like when Jay Buhner shaves people's heads at a Mariners game for charity or just because Jay Buhner has a weird hair follicle fetish) and Kobayashi's long lost twin who enjoys watching the Food Network, hosting an instructional cooking show on YouTube with a massive following and frequenting local farmers markets to scour for the finest banana bread recipe in the world which would actually be a great Food Network show too, Joey Banana Bread could be the co host and for some reason, I feel like Snooki should have her bejeweled hand in the making of The Finest Banana Bread Recipe in the World, even if it is just an E.P. credit...by the way, you know you have made it if you are an E.P. on E.T...you can probably retire and move to Bora Bora to pursue your lifetime passion of deep sea marlin fishing around the globe while listening to Jimmy Buffett's Christmas compilation albums and simultaneously being more of a Parrothead than the video game boss of Parrotheads, himself, Rummy Puff It.), a smattering dog walkers who are trying to work their way up the movable fence to keep the doggie out of the basement at Wag! and a spattering of spirited hot dog vendors in the heart of New York City's Central Park.
Among the jacketed watchers-on was Eli's older brother, Peyton, who spent about half of the game mindlessly staring at his old school flip phone as he became further entangled in a messy spider web of an inspiring game of Snake. In addition to the former Indianapolis Colt and Denver Bronco's venture into the Happy Madison universe of Adam Sandler's Pixels (and ultimately his journey to facing the video game boss of Snake, Ginny Hot Stuff), he was also dedicating a great deal of his time and energy to securing a promotional spot with Airbnb through a series of messages on AOL's instant messenger application known as AIM (don't ask how Peyton has access to the now defunct, formerly groundbreaking messaging app; let's just say some things are better left up in the Airbnb. Also, if George Clooney doesn't come out with a sequel to Up in the Air called Up in the Airbnb where he rents a haunted condo on the banks of Lake Tahoe and has to figure out the true distance that he will travel for his love of speed boating, I am going to catapult myself through a beach chair from the top ropes of a wrestling ring while Vince McMahon watches on in horror and plots his revenge against the NFL in the form of the XFL 2.0, a league in which ATV's, golf carts and unicycles will not only be required but encouraged and even necessitated on the field of play, which will be generously and delicately (a direct quote from 31 Flavors's employee handbook when they are describing the proper ice cream scooping technique for a waffle cone...when it comes to sugar cones, employees are required to, "Handle the scoop with a great deal of love and caring like they are dropping it off at college in a car insurance commercial.") sprinkled with rattle snakes, snakes that are replica's from Peyton's favorite old school flip phone old school video game) in a last second attempt to blockade their microwaved pursuit of Drew Brees in respect to the New Orleans Saints's comparable commercial prowess (Comparable Commercial Prowess is my favorite clip show on the QVC channel and in a strange turning of the tiny pizza tables in the middle of your large pizza from Pizza Hut, also the name of the late Billy Mays's Broadway adjacent one act play... he hasn't passed away, but that dude is just never on time. Just kidding, Billy Mays passed away in 2009. I would like to extend a limited one time offer, with four easy installments of remorse and a down payment of my bad, of an olive branch with a written apology to the entire family and estate of Billy Mays in the form of a cleaning product that will keep your kitchen counter sparkling for weeks without an ounce of elbow grease on your part! You probably should stop getting elbow grease everywhere though if you are trying to keep your appliances and food prep areas clean though, that is just infomercial one on one...what if you thought that that was the name of introductory classes at universities, like instead of taking Accounting 101 with three hundred people, you think you are just going to a one on one tutoring session with the professor...That would be a great plot line for Jonah Hill in the sequel to Accepted. QVC also has the best deli counter, you can totally heist their roast beef sourdough sliders too if the security guard is busy talking to the lady selling bouquets of Guns N' Roses greatest hits albums on vinyl. I just realized this...is Axl Rose the same Axl Rose from Guns N' Roses? Does that make Slash the Guns part? If so, does he have a handgun in that top hat like a magician would store a rabbit? Is Russian Roulette one of the games the band is referring to in their hit jam, "Welcome to the Jungle"? So many questions and yet at the same time, so little amount of caring enough to Bing it.)
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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