The sunrise is nigh as a low murmur rattles about the Lost Falls Carny Barracks after yet another rambunctious night of after partying. You see, carnies don't just party; they after party which is an entirely different ball game (one that is impossible for a human being to beat if they are playing according to the Governing Body of Carnies or the GBC if you are in a hurry) and one that is not meant for the light of heart or lightweights. The best time of the night for carnies is when the final ring has been hurled towards the square peg that is too big for it to fit unless you get up in there and physically slam it down which would certainly be against the rules and regulations of Ring Toss (and in violation of GBC standards...see how much time we just saved? You gotta love acronyms), eliminating you from said competition and possibly barring you from competing in the prestigious sport ever again unless you bribe the ringleader (no pun intended, for once) with Krispy Kreme donuts which might be able to rival elephant ears when it comes to taste and definitely when it comes to the humane treatment of animals and not dismembering a poor lil' ol' elephant (this is an especially cruel act as the elephant will never be able to wipe the traumatic event from their memory for the rest of their illustrious life unless they stumble upon a neuralyzer from Men In Black IV: Browsing Safari). The best time of night for carnies is when the final water pistol has been discharged in the general direction of a Krusty the Clown lookalike but the GBC hasn't gathered the proper copyright paperwork so they just slap the title Kranky the Comic on it and call it a day. The best time of night for carnies is when the final oversized gorilla has been handed out to the cute old lady, dwarfing her entire body but leaving her with the biggest smile on her face since she discovered The Bouqs app when she was listening to the Adam Carolla Show and her rocking chair has been slat-deep in Poinsettias ever since. (Previously, the biggest smile on the cute old lady's face was donned when she discovered apps and I ain't talkin' Awesome Blossom Petals (flowers! See, you can't get away from them, not even with Southwest Airlines...That would be nice if the flight attendants gifted each passenger with a nice little bouquet of Chrysanthemums sprinkled atop their Fiesta Mix, though, you know, just to show that they truly care about the entirety of your flying experience.), I see you DVK with your fanny pack full of Plenti Points and belly full of the bevy of hidden treasures that Chili's has to offer, including the five dollar Margarita of the Month being served every happy hour (this all of a sudden just turns into an advertising spot for Chili's, the best long con since Con Air). Has there ever been a sadder slogan than, "I want my baby back"? I can just picture the CEO of Chili's in court, in the midst of a heated custody battle with the ex and forlornly serving up a thousand miles of onion rings death stare to the judge while solemnly pointing at the slogan which is tattooed on each of their forearms, naturally, as one does, you know like how Colonel Sanders has, "Finger lickin' good" tatted on his knuckles, Tony the Tiger has, "They're G-R-R-R-reat" plastered across his eyelids and the UPS CEO (try saying that quickly five times in a row while you are waiting for a package to be delivered in a timely fashion) has, "What can Brown do for you?" scrawled across their *REDACTED*.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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