The makeshift camera fades in to reveal a cold, sterile room that is covered in titanium with blood, sweat, tears and Disney movie-themed tongue depressors scattered about the floor like Walt just came storming through town on a flying carpet to lay down the genie law (This flying house ain't big enough for the two of us...In a serendipitous turning of the knights of the round table (which is actually just a fancy name for a bunch of dudes (they actually call Nights at the Round Table but one time Clay dressed up in a full suit of armor and scared the bejesus out of the nice folks waiting outside the mission to see the new Tom Cruise movie) who get together on Monday nights to watch football, pour back PBRs, play poker and eat pizza while they talk smack about their families, jobs and pizza places that aren't Round Table, especially Domino's because, as they have heard a million times by now, Dave has an unreasonable amount of potholes in the general vicinity of his homes and is wondering why Domino's hasn't gotten on topping of that yet...Ted likes to sprinkle in a joke that makes him a big enough hack to join the ranks of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour as he often ponders why Taco Bell hasn't fixed his plumbing.), this happens to be the tagline for Up in most theaters in Texas and fledgling parts of New Mexico.) An illegal, underground ring of dentists operate (if you could call it that, to be completely honest it looked a bit more like a tutorial for the game of Operation but that's neither here nor fair) with great haste and little concern for the common courtesy of the teeth people as sparks soar and tempers of the customers are ignited like M 80s; for example they just spray the little water hose into your mouth without even asking first, it's actually kind of intrusive. Another big thing is that they don't even ask the patient what flavor of fluoride they would like because everyone just gets the default by default; rusty nails with a hint of goat cheese. Why is it mostly rusty nails? Because that's what they mostly had on hand, they ran out of sparkling clean nails...Why do you ask so many questions? You shouldn't be tussling with these Dentists Without Borders...They are pretty irritable after not being able to go to their favorite bookstore since it closed down because Barnes and Noble is the choice of aristocratic people who also live in barns. (This would be a great reality TV show on VH1...Sort of like The Simple Life but with less mascara and more monocles. Although in a weird twist, the former would feature more people staring at their cell phones and taking selfies than the step latter (yeah, I don't like it when people use those terms either, it can be a wee bit confusing, don't ya think? Like why don't you just call the things what they really are, Former and Latter sound like the newest Power Rangers. Former and Latter is the worst 80s buddy cop show of all time...at one point, there is just a montage of Former waiting in line for coffee and it is probably the most exciting thing in the entire run of the show because Courteney Cox was a barista at the Coffee Bean (you know she's never had her name spelled correctly on a Starbucks cup, am I right dads? That dad joke was presented by Black and Decker: For when you want to impress the old lady while simultaneously scaring the bejesus out of the nice folks waiting outside the mission to see the new Tom Cruise movie. Black and Decker: Go hard at home. Black and Decker: Power tools that will make you power drool. Black and Decker: Keep your family together with these rusty nails. Black and Decker: Make people swan for your lawn. Black and Decker: The real drill team. Black and Decker: Builders of the finest latter in town. Black and Decker: Slide out from under your car and into our dreams...like, they filmed it at a real, legit Coffee Bean, it was a weird show, there's no wonder why it only ran twelve seasons and became a hit on syndication.) You could call it: The Royal Tenenbarns (I'm referring to the former, not the Former and Latter, sorry for the confusion. Sorry for the Confusion is going to be the name of the movie about my life that will hopefully star Nicolas Cage as my grandfather and uncle.) I'll take fifteen percent for forty five percent at the door, thank you Time Warner, 'twas a pleasure doin' business with ya, top of the mornin' to ya (whoops you're supposed to say that at the beginning, my bad - it's my first pitch meeting! You might say it was a wee Pitch Imperfect if you are wont to do and wont to do it.) The camera zooms in on a lonesome tongue depressor that is propped up against an exotic fish tank with a picture of Nemo on it, having finally found the little rascal (can aquatic life be a rascal? I always thought it was a requirement to carry a slingshot if you were a rascal so I don't know if a fish can carry one of those in their gills or something...Let's go to our lifeline! Terry? Did you know that nine out of ten lifelines are named Terry or a name that rhymes with Terry?). The exotic fish tank has several alligators, scuba divers and barnacles in it. One of the scuba divers looks a suspicious amount like Nicolas Cage. That's because one of the scuba divers is Nicolas Cage. He flashes a peace sign at the camera and the title credits of Cribs physically splash across the screen as a cold open of North Pole proportions comes to a precipitous standstill. Also, two dudes were having a dual with real lightsabers in the background (don't ask how Nicolas Cage got them, let's just say he got them from a galaxy far, far away: the Dick's Sporting Goods on the corner of Pico and Alderaan Avenue. A short aside: Am I the only one who thinks that Yoda is just who Yoga would be if it were a person? Like, I call the guy my downward dawg. He was born with a mat under his arm, a kale smoothie wave pool sloshing about his belly and the desert rose of a Lord Huron melody on his mind. I am the only person in the Milky Way who thinks that? OK good thank you, just wonted to gauge y'all's level of saneness - looks good! The numbers all check out!) for a little bit of that time...Neither won. One was a John Travolta lookalike and the other was a Nicolas Cage doppelganger. It was the worst episode of Face/Off ever. The John Travolta lookalike tried to Tower Heist Nicolas Cage's face but just ended up noshing on it like that Florida dude on bath salts, it was terrible, it was despicable (lucky it wasn't me), it was...bloody brilliant (literally). TruTV just picked it up for twelve seasons and it is bound to be a hit on syndication, airing before The Secret Life of Professional Chess Players and after the evening news.
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