Sing Monster Mash with the monster under your bed
Watch Monsters Inc. on your haunted iPad (it was haunted by the ghost of Paul Allen, still securely tethered to the business rivalry and trying to take down the opponent from beyond the grave, vying for technological supremacy in Heaven)
Incorporate Monsters Inc., a Silicon Valley start up who's goal is to change the public's stereotypes
about the horrid creatures through a series of PSAs
Watch Paranormal Activity on a black and white television and it is interrupted by static in the middle of the movie and you almost lose your Gobstoppers
Make a home video parody of Paranormal Activity where in the end you just find out that all along it was a hangry family of raccoons living underneath the gazebo adjacent to the veranda in between your cottage and the neighborhood bodega which sells Slim Jims at the impulse checkout counter, three for five chocolate gold coins OBO
Cage fight the family of raccoons
Get a rabies shot
Laugh because the doctor was wearing a pair of Beats by Dre and they didn't even understand the irony of the whole thing
Research sexy costumes that you can be at the last minute because your half sister swindled your sexy train conductor ensemble
Settle with a sexy Kim Kardashian costume
Get a butt implant
Get addicted to plastic surgery
Run out of money because plastic surgery is expensive
Panhandle for candy which is known as flanhandling in some circles and branhandling in other, more health-conscious circles that probably are trying to go Keto, subscribe to Outside Magazine and have memberships to multiple sensory deprivation tank businesses, Float Friends, Floating for Blokes (the owner is British but became an American citizen after swearing off their homeland after they watched the American Office and realized how much better American TV shows are than British TV shows, also they were getting kind of tired of being so chipper all the time and pretending to have that accent), No Bloat Floats, Salt Starring Angelina Jolie, Salt in your Wounds, Grain of Salt, Revivifying Salinity, Hell for Snails, Freddy Kruegering Snails, Throw the Kitchen Float at Them, On the Brink of Sinking, Abe Sinkin' Lincoln, Float for Broke, The Float Moat (alligators are optional but not recommended unless you are from Florida or moved there to avoid your family or the law), Cast your Float, Put it to a Float, Float of Confidence, Tank U, Tank you for Floating, Put it in the Tank, Just Float It and my personal favorite Shut Up and Float
Take the blade out of your chain saw
Run around random cul-de-sacs terrorizing nice, unsuspecting people with your bladeless chainsaw
Get arrested by a real cop that you thought was just a fake cop because they were wearing a fake mustache but apparently that was their costume for the day - they were being a real cop with a fake mustache which is actually pretty legit if you think about it - like an Saturday Night Live sketch gone terribly awry and a hologram of Jimmy Fallon is just breaking character and losing his mind in the background (Jimmy Fallon can't even keep a straight face when he is paying for his groceries at Sam's Club - I would like to see a compilation video of all the real life, everyday situations in which Jimmy Fallon breaks character even though he isn't even trying to act like a character, he is just being himself but I guess that is hilarious to him...Here is one where Mr. Fallon gets pulled over by a police officer for going twenty miles per hour over the speed limit and he is trying to keep a straight face but his frown turns upside down when the police officer stumbles over their words and accidentally calls it a Mule Zone but then the police officer starts laughing hysterically as well and they start looking at the camera and grabbing at each other for air and shadow boxing with the atmosphere. Also, Shadow Boxing with the Atmosphere is the name of Adam Carolla's next book and/or Atmosphere's next tour which will take place prior to Celebrity Boxing bouts.)
Have the police officer accidentally put the fake handcuffs on you that were a part of their classic cat burglar costume with a black and white striped shirt and Captain Jack Sparrow's hat for some reason (you think their costume may have gotten jumbled in the haze of the holiday but are too petrified to speak up so you settle for a polite compliment about how you like their hat and shoehorn in a wish that you didn't do that whole thing with the chain saw.)
Spend Halloween night in jail trying to sweet talk the prison guard into tossing a handful of candy corn your way
Finally have a smattering of candy corn tossed your way and it scatters on the ground like the worst game of Street Craps ever
Regret eating the candy corn even though you are starving and haven't ate anything but confectioneries for the last 36 to 48 hours
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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