The camera fades in from a red and green checkerboard design to reveal the butt crack cleavage of a middle aged man that makes Gordon from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story look like Gordon Gekko. (You want to call him Gordon Gecko and imagine that he is the basis of the Geico Gecko but you stave off the urge.) This dude looks like he starred in the picture Dodgeball: A True Underwhelming Story. This dude looks like he wears a headband to bed. This dude looks like he hasn't taken a shower since the shower was invented. This dude looks like he takes baths while smoking cigarettes, watching the evening news and yelling at his cats to listen because his bathtub is miraculously in his living room in an oddly designed and furnished, Idiocracy inspired blue print for his one bedroom apartment. The walls of his one bedroom apartment are covered with pennants of fake sports teams including the Gotham Knights, the Bayside Breakers and the Springfield Smitherses. He is huffing and puffing like he is trying to blow down his neighbors house or at least rouse them from their sheep tallying time. He is wearing a number double zero Seattle Mariners jersey with the Moose's name proudly scrawled across the back. He is sweating off forty years of heavy, regular alcohol consumption. He is shouting explicit words at the wall while he curses the creator of this godforsaken machine and his smarmy, suit of a lawyer brother in law who gifted him the stationery bike as a joke for last April Fool's Day. He hasn't worked out this hard since the war...the first time he watched World War Z, he went for a jog around the block while drawing inspiration from pretending to be chased by zombies who look like Brad Pitt. After seventeen death defying minutes that seemed like a seventeen day vacation in Hell, he collapses on his apartment's grody shag carpet that hasn't been vacuumed since his Roomba first went on the fritz a few years before the war (he also has a Fritz and the Tantrums pennant on his wall for some godforsaken reason) and questions the meaning of the life of Brian (his name is Brian). He serenely passes out, patches of sunlight spotlighting his drooling face, a scene that would normally make the limelight run for the hills, while binge watching a Storage Wars marathon (the only marathon that he has ever completed) and actually feeling a great deal of envy for the participants.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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