Sunday, November 4, 2018

Monster PSAs

Don't be afraid to check under your bed for us - we've been waiting for you since that Kanye song on My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy about us dropped 
One eyed creatures - half the sight but twice the fear factor - change the cyclops stereotype one eye at a time
The Gravestone Express will not be working for the next three Sunday afternoons due to an unhealthy fantasy football obsession that the conductor has been trying to deal with since they were introduced to the sport through that Kanye album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Football 
Read a terrifying bedtime story to your child tonight that will ensure that they won't sleep a wink tonight or for the rest of the week and you will have achieved the core principal of UFO parenting 
Don't sleep on the monstrous capabilities of the Tooth Fairy - her financial prowess is unmatched in the ghoul-munnity 
Claiming superheroes as one of us since they superhero-ceded the world zeitgeist 
Please stop mashing us - we're all we've got...and our collection of your earthly remains, of course 
The Gravestone Express will not be running past midnight due to a general lack of belief 
Take a deep breath and stop pinching yourself - I'm standing right here and to be honest it's actually kind of offensive that you don't believe your eyes
We're just as annoyed by those weird Travel Channel reality shows where dudes who look like the play the xylophone in Death Cab for Cutie except in this scenario it would be called Death Cab for Ghastly (they got the first part of it right though so kudos to those latte sipping, park bench sitting, screechy tropical bird cohabiting human bookmarks) 
The Gravestone Express will not be in operation this weekend due to a malfunction in the spooks in the vehicle's wheels also all us monsters are so bloody tired from all the haunting that we have to do this time of year that we just want to curl up by a nice fire, brew some herbal tea and enjoy this month's obituaries 
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

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