Sunday, August 11, 2024

The Onion: Obituary Writer Dies

 Longtime obit penner at the Florida Tree Mail, Dale Duncan IV, has passed away from an apparent alligator mauling on the 4th of July. Duncan was 69 years old.

Dale Duncan was out for an evening stroll with his Shitzu, Larry, when he happened up what he thought was a giant rock in which he took rest upon - it was the last thing DD IV ever did as he was swallowed up by the gator in one fell swoop. Larry managed to escape to a nearby animal shelter where he barked various sounds to communicate with local dogs (like the movies - it’s real though - dogs have been proven to speak to each other via ruffs and grrrrrrrs). 

Dale Duncan will be survived by Larry, 9, and his ten foot pet cobra, Probst (named after his favorite show, Survivor, and their host Jeff Probst). His neighbor, Ben, told the FTM that he will miss their weekly checkers matches they held Wednesday nights before and after Survivor. 

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