Wednesday, May 31, 2017

The Legend of J.R. Smith

Can you believe we finally made it to the NBA Finals?
It’s Cavs-Warriors Chapter Three: Revenge of J.R. Smith. 
No, seriously; although he has been quiet in these playoffs J.R. Smith was “money”, as Vince Vaughn from “Swingers” would say, in the 2016 NBA Finals against Golden State.
He dropped 20 points in game three, 14 in game six and 12 in a decisive game seven in which he spent 39 minutes on the floor. More importantly the Cavaliers won each of those games as well as game five at the Oracle to make J.R. Smith the unlikeliest NBA champion in the history of the sport. 
Last year’s NBA Finals showed how well the Cavs playwhen their farfetched hero is casting threes like a Hollywood director gone mad with power. J.R. Smith is lightning in a bottle of Tabasco. J.R. Smith plays basketball like Tom Cruise acts; with reckless abandon and no regard for mankind. 
Remember after game seven when Smith’s daughter infamously threw shade on her father’s parade of navy blue and gold confetti?
“I’m just proud of him because he made the championship without getting kicked off the team.” Smith’s daughter, Demi, said to reporters during the celebration
God bless J.R. Smith; he has had a tough road. 
In June of 2007 he was in a car accident in which he was ejected from his vehicle. Andre Bell, a passenger of Smith’s who was also dislodged from the car in the crash, died a couple days later from head injuries. While the toll of this accident is infinitely worse for the Bell family, it also must weigh heavily on Smith’s psyche. 
Smith is in the news again as his daughter, Dakota, was finally released from the hospital after being born five months premature in January. 
He has had a long journey to the peak since coming into the league straight from high school in 2004 that includes battles with coaches, countless DNP’s and a short stint in China during the 2011 NBA lockout. 
You already know all the household names from the Finals; Lebron, Steph, Kyrie, Durant, Love and Klay. There is nothing more I can write about any of these mononymous superstars that will change your opinion; that is why you recognize who I am referring to with a single name. Their identities are already ingrained into your basketball brain like Bird-Magic or M.J.’s winner in game six against Utah
Lebron will dominate the game in all facets, Steph will bomb threes and unleash joyful triumphs as he bounds down the court and Kyrie will be “The Layup King”. Durant will be the best pure scorer on the court, Love will grab boards and stand in the corner waiting to shoot and Klay will get hot one game and drop twenty five in the third quarter.  
Get to know J.R. Smith.
Golden State’s squad remembers him from last year’s June matchup. He rained threes on their defense like a soggy spring day in the Pacific Northwest. 
Sure Smith has been quiet in the 2017 NBA playoffs but I see him as more of a firework who is bound to explode as soon as that fuse dissipates. 
Remember Ang Lee’s 2000 martial arts film “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”? J.R. Smith is about to roundhouse kick the Golden State Warriors back home. 
I got Cleveland in seven with Lebron winning the Finals MVP. I love J.R. Smith but c’mon; I’m not that crazy. 

Monday, May 15, 2017

A Haiku about Wayne Gretzky

The Great One is fourth
In grade eight he drank gallons
Of maple syrup

The Lost Files Vol. 5: NBA Draft Awards


With the NBA draft approaching in less than two months its time to hand out some made up awards to this year’s topprospects.
Markelle Fultz, the freshman phenom guard from the University of Washington, is projected by most media outlets to go as the number one pick in the draft that is being held Thursday June 22. But what about some of the lesser known prospects who do not receive as much attention from the First Takes of the world? 
The first award, “Tragic Johnson”, will be given to freshman North Carolina State guard Dennis Smith. Although the 6 foot 2 Smith averaged 18 points and 6 assists per game in his only season with the Wolfpack, he led them to a sub .500 record and their coach was fired midseason. In return his draft stock fell from as high as number two in some early mock drafts to as far as nine in some currently.
The “Pinocchio” Award goes to T.J. Leaf, the boyish looking 6 foot 10 freshman forward from UCLA. After being essentially off the draft board and “Lunardi radar” before the start of the season, Leaf skyrocketed to the mid first round in most mocks. The freshman from UCLA who turns 20 on Sunday will be able to claim he is a real man” after he is paid first rounder money in June. 
The “Dark horse” Award goes to half of Kentucky’s freshmen first round-bound backcourt, the lanky 6 foot 3 Malik Monk. The 19 year old Arkansan, whose counterpart De’AaronFox is anticipated by most experts to be selected higher, is more of a pure scorer who will be able to get buckets easier in the NBA. Monk dropped 47 points including the game clinching three in a December victory against the eventual national champion North Carolina Tar Heels. 
Speaking of the Carolina blue their 6 foot 8, 22 year old stretch four Justin Jackson earns the award for “Wiliest veteran”. Jackson earned the real award for ACC player of the year this season as he averaged 18 points and shot 37% from the three point stripe. Although he is a couple years older than most first round prospects, his knack for scoring and length may turn him into the wiliest veteran in the NBA in the next decade.
Last but certainly not least the award for “Most pervasive father” goes to the freshman UCLA guard Lonzo Ball whose father Lavar has surpassed him in popularity in recent months. Anyone who has ever tuned into ESPN or any sports related television has heard this name countless times, mostly in discussions not even related to basketball. Lavar, the former Washington State Cougar, has figured out a way to wrangle the spotlight away from his son as if he is the one who is projected to go as a top three pick in this year’s draft.
Those were just a few of the hypothetical awards I gave out for this year’s NBA draft in June. For the complete award ceremony tune in to the post game show after the draft which will be hosted by L.L. Cool Jeff Probst. 

The Lost Files Vol. 4: Around the Horn Internship

My name is Chris Arneson and I am a 20 year old junior at Washington State University in Pullman, Washington. While you might not be familiar with Wazzu, our biggest claim to fame is producing NFL Hall of Fame quarterback and all around class act, Ryan LeafWazzu is also known for cheese and the rolling hills that surround the campus known as the Palouse. I am the man for this job because I know sports and the show’s history better than anyone. I have been watching/listening to ATHreligiously since I was in junior high, making it the longest relationship of my adolescence.  
1. With my incarnation of NBA commissioner Adam Silver, I would use this team to immediately relocate an NBA franchise to Seattle. The Supersonics were an integral part of the city for more than 40 years. I have fond memories of driving across the 520 floating bridge (before it was tolled) to Key Arena with my Dad to watch “The Glove” Gary Payton, Ray Allen, RashardLewis and company. Sure the Bucks and Kings were justbought, blocking a possible move to Seattle. While an expansion team is not recommended as it would further dilute the league’s talent pool, cities like Atlanta, Orlando, and Charlotte perennially have low attendance figures. In the end, I would relocate the Charlotte Bobcats/Hornets to Seattle as they do not have a long history in the city and have not been supported particularly well. And once MJ sees the golf courses out here, relocating this team will be like shooting fish in a barrel. 
2. If Derek Jeter’s Retirement Tour passed through Pullman, I would give him a one year membership at hot yoga. I know he has trouble meeting women, I figured it’s a nice gesture.
Here is a list of Around the Horn Gift Store ideas: 
• Woody Paige Wheel of Fortune – Spin for crazy fun options like: Hear a recording of Woody Paige singing Tennessee’s “Rocky Top” and recite as many games from last year’s NFL schedule as you can!
• J.A. Adande Lounge Guest List – Imagine what it would be like to rub elbows with stars like Craig Kilborn, Matthew Perry, Arsenio Hall, and James Van Der Beek
• Bomani Jones Pinky Ring Cam – Attach this tiny camera to your pinky ring to catch vital in-action moments!
• Tim Cowlishaw Travel Guide to Nascar Destinations such as Darlington and Talladega – Don’t miss the Bristol County Fair – home of the biggest ferris wheel in Tennessee! 
• Bill Plaschke Magic 8 Ball Head – Rub it for good luck! 
• Pat Summitt poster signed by Jackie MacMullan – Comes with Paul Pierce keychain from his Celtic years!
• Bob Ryan Life Guide – A book of everything you need to know in life from Boston Celtics 1960s anecdotes to Boston Red Sox 2000s anecdotes
• Michael Smith Numbers Never Lie Picture Book – See if these digits are irrational or are they real? Either way, this is “prime” reading!
• Pablo Torre Tips on Living Youthfully – His secret: he juices everything. 
• Izzy Gutierrez Tommy Bahamas Style Shirt – Look stylish yet casual everywhere from Heat games to the beach to the club.

The Lost Files Vol. 3: J.A. Adande & Woody Paige

A Day in the Life: J.A. Adande
7:17 am: Wakes up to Boyz II Men alarm clock
7:22 am: Tries to decide if he should wear his Kobe #8 jersey or his Kobe #24 jersey
8:24 am: Plays golf with Ryan Philipe, Tim Meadows, and Alex Trebek
10:10 am: Facetimes with Gunther from Friends
12:35 pm: Goes for a barefoot run on the beach while listening to NPR 
12:44 pm: Snapchats Robert Siegel  while eating quinoa
1:11 pm: Periscopes how to make a paper mache crane
2:23 pm: Plays online poker with the cast of The Real World: Seattle
8:12 pm: Ridiculed by Coach Pop in end of quarter interview

8:49 pm: Watches "Love" on Netflix at halftime, tweets Judd Apatow about being in season 2
A Day in the Life : Woody Paige
4:58 am: Wakes up in cold sweat, startled and confused in Peyton Manning casual pajamas and Denver Nuggets high top slippers
5:01 am: Jots down chalkboard quote ideas 
5:05 am: Admires his column in that day's Denver Post, ignoring the rest of the newspaper
5:11 am: Does yoga as he stares at nature and drinks smoothie of kale, strawberries, and fleece 
5:28 am: Walks dog around block, lets him poop on Brock Osweiler's front yard and doesn't pick it up 
6:04 am: Falls asleep in bathtub as he listens to John Cougar Mellencamp, reflects on "good ol' days" 
6:48 am: Wakes up in bathtub, startled and confused 
7:06 am: Tries to decide which Hawaiian shirt to wear
7:14 am: Settles on a t shirt with a tuxedo on it after he can't pick a Hawaiian shirt
7:21 am: Applies gel to hair to make it look like he just got out of bed
7:27 am: Drives to work, has massive road rage 
7:35 am: Looks to the heavens in despair, curses God 
7:44 am: Mood changes when John Cougar Mellencamp song comes on the radio, is reminded of "good ol' days"
8:01 am: Storms into Denver Post, takes sip of freshly brewed coffee and spits it out 
8:13 am: Goes to meeting to discuss which chalkboard quote he will be using for the day
8:24 am: Calls Peyton Manning's agent, tries to schedule golf outing
8:42 am: Eats biscuit, curses out intern for not knowing who John Cougar Mellencamp is
9:13 am: Watches Back to the Future, studies Doc Brown's hair, takes notes on how to imitate 
10:08 am: Looks at the schedule
10:57 am: Does calve raises as he stares at portrait of John Elway in his office 
11:14 am: Makes periscope video in which he discusses his favorite local driving ranges
12:02 pm: Goes to local barbecue joint for lunch
12:24 pm: Falls off mechanical bull, is reminded of youth
12:32pm: Asks for kale smoothie at barbecue restaurant
12:33pm: Settles on lamb chop, coleslaw smoothie
12:57 pm: Drives back to work, blasts "Hurts So Good"
1:11 pm: Films Around the Horn
1:12 pm: Muted by Tony Reali
1:39 pm: Wins, does face time about local weathermen racquetball league
1:52 pm: Celebrates win by Tebow-ing
2:26 pm: Checks the schedule again
2:55 pm: Goes to gym, plays a couple intense games of old man YMCA ball
3:40 pm: Plays racquetball against local weatherman
4:22 pm: Swings by Peyton Manning's house because he was in the neighborhood 
4:27 pm: Makes fun of Eli with Peyton
5:14 pm: Arrives early for Denver Nuggets game, asks players if they want to play horse
5:29 pm: Falls asleep watching Denver Nuggets warm up
6:11 pm: Wakes up wearing giant foam finger and beer helmet
6:46 pm: Finds buffet for media members, complains about lack of kale
7:19 pm: Watches Nuggets game, draws pictures of Peyton Manning throwing passes to him 
9:07 pm: Nuggets lose, scrambles to write a headline for tomorrow's story
9:18 pm: Settles on "Nugget of Hope"
9:55 pm: Goes to bed 
9:56 pm: John Cougar Mellencamp 

The Lost Files Vol. 2: Tony Reali

A Day in the Life : Tony Reali
7:04 am: Wakes up in Barney Stinson style suit pajamas
7:09 am: Sips dark coffee as he watches MSNBC, reads Wall Street Journal, does mad libs
7:16 am: Does triangle pushups, listens to Howard Stern 
7:33 am: Runs stairs at local football field, does fist pump like at the end of "The Breakfast Club"
8:09 am: Eats a Cliff bar, wonders if Cliff is the name of the guy who invented the recipe
8:26 am: Drives to work, listens to 90s alternative Sirius station
8:54 am: Arrives at work, wishes someone would call him Stat Boy again
9:21 am: Practices putting golf balls in his office while saluting his Derek Jeter mural
9:37 am: Watches highlight reel of late 90s Yankees teams, reminisces 
9:55 am: Looks in mirror, says "Somebody needs a Reali check", snaps fingers, winks
10:10 am: Watches Mad Men in office
10:23 am: Calls assistant, pitches idea for a new game called "Rock, Draper, Scissors"
10:24 am: Patents "Rock, Draper, Scissors"
10:59 am: Wonders where'd all the good people go?
11:17 am: Tries to convince people "Saved by the Bell" is the best show in the past 25 years 
11:48 am: Goes to local football field to play rugby
11:52 am: Quits after trying to explain the rules of rugby to people and everyone just decides to play two hand touch 
12:19 pm: Rocky montage as he gets prepared for that day's show 
12:23 pm: Drinks raw eggs
12:40 pm: Starts a Derek Jeter chant
1:02 pm: Wonders what's eating gilbert grape?
1:16 pm: Gets hungry from thinking about Gilbert Grape, eats lunch 
1:55 pm: Makes a snapchat story about his favorite minor league baseball team 
2:14 pm: Tries to call a timeout in a real life situation, frustrated when everyone keeps moving
2:57 pm: Plays Words with Friends to decompress
3:11 pm: Films Around the Horn
3:12 pm: Mutes Woody Paige
3:43 pm: Post show paper toss catch with producer
4:10 pm: Plays competitive game of basketball on a tiny office hoop ala Fletch
4:29 pm: Goes for a bike ride in the office
4:50 pm: Wonders how Zack Morris got such high SAT scores 
5:18 pm: Goes to happy hour, says, "This round's on me!"
5:47 pm: Plays life size Janga
6:14 pm: Starts hitting people with giant Janga piece like its a light saber 
6:49 pm: Ubers to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks game
7:22 pm: Does the dab on the big screen and high fives cotton candy guy
8:13 pm: Does Seinfeld impression to every person in the vicinity who makes eye contact with him
8:14 pm: Asks the usher what the deal is with frozen yogurt
9:10 pm: Knicks lose
9:21 pm: Goes to a rooftop hipster party, plays chess with humans as the pieces
9:27 pm: Says "checkmate" in Australian accent
10:02 pm: Realizes that he is at Derek Jeter's rooftop party
10:03 pm: Starts Derek Jeter chant 
11:19 pm: Ubers home, unsuccessfully tries to convince driver he was at Derek Jeter's party

11:36 pm: Goes to bed, writes down idea for new reality tv show called "The Reali World" 

The Lost Files Vol. 1: Mike Leach


After a disappointing three loss skid that ended a season that once looked promising, Mike Leach is badly in need of some holiday cheer. Eight and five may look like a solid record in the history books but the ceiling of this year’s team was not touched.
Looking forward to 2017 allows Leach and company a chance for a fresh start in the Palouse, an opportunity for change and to move forward. What follows are just a sample size of Mike Leach’s New Year’s resolutions. 
Leach’s first New Year’s resolution is without a doubt swashbuckler-based, in the form of camping out for the premiere of the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film in late May. 
Secondly, Mike Leach should be resolute to have gratitude for Luke Falk, the highly touted starting quarterback who decided to return to Pullman for his senior season.
Coach Mike Leach should be less afraid of speaking his mind.
Next, Leach should explore (the) Amazon to see if he can find any realistic looking Captain Jack Sparrow costumes to wear to Pirates of the Caribbean in May.
Mike Leach should watch all 28 seasons of The Simpsons then explain to his team how Moe the Bartender’s business acumen is related to the spread offense.
Leach should make an audition tape for Survivor, send it to America’s Got Talent casting directors, and film it for Punk’d, all while recording it for his Snapchat channel, “Social Leach”.
Coach Mike Leach should journey to Machu Picchu with a group of long lost friends and ask them how they’ve really been.
Leach should rent an RV, grow a vacation beard, and follow Elvis Costello on tour across nine Rust Belt cities in late June. 
Coach Leach should go to the Grand Canyon and feel a connection with those who have traversed to the same location centuries ago. 
Mike Leach should start a podcast then tell everyone on the team that he is going to cut them unless they listen to his podcast and tell their friends about it too.
Leach should invest in a line of “Gorilla Marketing” t-shirtsthat have a picture of a gorilla in front of a board meeting pointing at a board that shows company stocks plummeting with a big red arrow. 
Coach Mike Leach should eat more fruits and vegetables and watch less reality TV.
Those are just a few of Mike Leach’s resolutions for 2017. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Nicolas Cage's 12 Best Worst Netflix Movies

     Welcome to my (Nicolas) Muse Cage and watch your step. What have you done over the past nine days? You could have trained for a marathon. Or began learning a new language. Or adopted a kitten. Or watched all twelve Nicolas Cage movies on Netflix. Only a person as insane as Nicolas Cage would try pulling something like that off. Let us begin.
12. Pay the Ghost- Cage Career: English Professor. Cage plays a wise New Orleans professor who loses his son at a Halloween parade. I think the director of this movie came to an agreement with Cage that he would star in his movie under the one condition that it would be filmed when Cage was on vacation in New Orleans.
11. Dog Eat Dog- Cage Career: Criminal. Cage is a Cleveland ex-con who (you will never guess) is pulled back into the game for one more big score. The plot of this film resembles an etch-a-sketch on speed. Its etch-a-sketchy.
10. Snake Eyes- Cage Career: Cop. Unfortunately for the director of this film Cage couldn't help it from coming up snake eyes (you're not the only one who can speak in puns, Cage).
9. Seeking Justice- Cage Career: English Professor. Cage once again plays an English Professor in New Orleans. Does Nicolas Cage think the economy of New Orleans is based on a barter system where people go to markets and trade the works of Mark Twain for resources?
8. Outcast- Cage Career: Medieval Badass. Although Cage is not the leading actor in this serious version of 300 he overwhelms the audience in his brief time on screen with his gothic Caginess.
7. Trespass- Cage Career: Diamond Broker. If you were filling out a Mad Lib about Nicolas Cage's life his career would be Diamond Broker; its the Cagiest of all potential careers. Also this was the first movie I watched in the twelve Cages of Christmas so it shook me to my core at first. The Rage Cage was shocking initially but after some early struggles I was able to make the adjustment and grind out some tough at bats.
6. The Trust- Cage Career: Cop. Much like the aforementioned Dog Eat Dog the plot of this Cage Classic makes about as much sense as a Shyamalan corn maze if you added Frodo and strippers. Also Frodo and Strippers is my favorite grassroots band from Austin and/or morning drive time AM radio show.
5. Next- Cage Career: Vegas Magician. Cage plays a magician who is able to tell the not so distant future. Some people may argue this could be called a different Vegas profession; clairvoyant. Others probably don't have the energy to stick their nose in such a meaningless debate.
4. Stolen- Cage Career: Criminal. Cage is back in the Big Easy but this time he isn't reading Emily Dickinson whilst sipping black coffee with eyeglasses precariously perched on his nose like a loony librarian; he's trying to save his daughter from the trunk of a cabbie gone crazy.
3. Knowing- Cage Career: MIT Professor. Apparently there can be professors in places outside of New Orleans; in this case Boston. Also my favorite of the one word Cage titles because it tells you all you need to know about the plot of the movie in one word.
2. USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage- Cage Career: Naval Officer. Unbroken meets Jaws with a dusting of A Few Good Men in this yarn about an abandoned Naval ship at sea. Bonus points for the interviews of the real life war heroes in the end credits and wondering if they needed a Cage translator when speaking with him. Also now we know what A Few Good Men would have been like if Nic Cage was in it; it would have made absolutely no sense but we would all be better people.
1. Rage- Cage Career: Businessman (Reformed Criminal). Remember the Rage Cage? This is the real Rage, Cage. And oh boy does Cage rage. Cage rages so hard he aged ten years in the filming of this gem. Cage rages so hard he raised the minimum wage while metaphorically falling off the stage. It would not be so sage to gage the amount of rage in which Cage engaged on this single page. So I won't even try.