🏈AFFL Week 10✏️

 

We’re 10 weeks in - time to start gearing up for that final playoff push, babes!

The Planeteers enter the 3rd place logjam as they pull out a big-time victory over the Moose with some nice MNF points. PPE gets a couple big Cowboys games and destroys Prangsters to pull into a 1st place tie with VM. Pink Panthers also gets a nice Dallas performance (from Dak) and beats A&O to pull into a 3-way tie for 2nd with MT Moose and FFT. Captain Kirk has a nice game on the ground and edges out Tenacious D, leaving them both at .500. Dallas was the difference this week as Viking Man also benefits, from the Defense, sliding past his little bro. Finally, FFT puts the wham in Whammy in a landslide match. A&O snags another fiver as they select the correct choices in the Week 10 slate. 

Congratulations to Nick, The Planeteers, on winning Survivor this season as Tompa and Arizona fail Steve and Jo, respectively and respectfully.

Good luck to all in Week 11 - just win, baby!

🏈AFFL Week 9

Nine weeks in and we have 3 teams tied for the top spot. 

Moose knocks off PPE in a big matchup that leaves them both in 1st (along with Viking Man). The Planeteers gets a nice game from Lamar and defeats FFT. VM crushes A&O after another good showing from Herbert. Hawkeyes nearly doubles up Prangsters after a hot start from J-Taylor Thursday night. Pink Panthers gets an even performance across the board and edges out Captain Kirk. Finally, Whammy loses a heartbreaker after he watched the whole game Sunday night, wearing his tender heart on his sleeve, falling to the Tenacious one after a dumb garbage-time TD from Stafford & company with 24 seconds left. Curse you, Matt Stafford - curse you back to Detroit, good sir!

Captain Kirk pulls out the pools and the five, riding high after his extraterrestrial expedition. Hawkeyes and Tenacious D drop out of Survivor after betting on Dallas to win to go 7-1 which just wouldn’t have been right. 

Good luck to all in Week 10 - Happy Veterans Day!

 

🏈AFFL Week 8

 

More than halfway to the playoffs, this race is tighter than Rich Eisen’s hamstring after running the 40. 

PPE moves into 1st place after a strong performance across the board puts him past A&O. Kirk defeats Hawkeyes after a nice game on the ground, knotting them up at 4-4. Tenacious D also gets a big game from his RBs and also moves to 4-4, crushing Prangsters. The Planeteers, also now 4-4, holds off Kelce and Pink Panthers on MNF. FFT edges out MT Moose thanks to a couple nice Chiefs games Monday. Finally, Whammy gets by Viking Man with another big game from Tyreek in the spotlight. 

Whammy takes home the five after annihilating the competition in pool picks. Kirk, PPE, FFT and A&O drop out of Survivor after betting on the Bengals to beat the Jets, who posted last week’s AFFL recap on their locker room bulletin board for motivation. 

Good luck to all in November! 

🏈AFFL Week 7🎁

Seven weeks into the season and we have a three-way tie atop the standings between Viking Man, PPE and MT Moose, with several teams within striking distance. Even in the cellar at 3 games back, A&O, The Planeteers and Whammy still have a chance at the playoffs (like how the Jets always have a chance at winning the Super Bowl, but for butt fumbles).

Captain Kirk gets a clutch game from his kicker (Ga-yes!) putting him past the Moose. Viking Man gets another stellar game from his wide outs, Kupp & Evans (located in the strip mall across from Denny’s, Kupp & Evans - “We’ll put cold hard CASH in your POCKET (even if you don’t deserve it!) *Kupp & Evans is in no way affiliated with the AFFL, any depiction of the AFFL with Kupp & Evans is a copyright infringement and will result in 75-80 years of Jets fandom (take that, Fireman Ed! And thank you for your service.) Hawkeyes lays out A&O thanks to a balanced attack. Prangsters holds on against The Planeteers with help from another great Tompa performance. PPE crushes FFT as Stafford solidifies his position in the 2nd tier of fantasy QBs. Finally, Whammy falls to Pink Panthers despite his solid Thursday night and Dak’s bye week. 

Moose and Hawkeyes split the pool picks and collect change for the toll (if they had to worry about that in Spokane). Somehow, everyone advances once again in Survivor, an unprecedented event in the history of the league (probably). 

Good luck to all in Week 8 and Happy Halloween - don’t get too spooked by your ghost of a running back or burn your kicker at the stake for being a witch!

🏈AFFL Week 6

 

Week 6 is in the books, y’alls!

Moose holds off a strong Cooper Kupp performance (reppin’ Eastern WA, baby - fly high, Eagles!) PPE crushes Pink Panther with 5 touchdowns from his wide outs. FFT obliterates A&O thanks to 4 TDS from her RBs. Prangsters lays the wood to Captain Kirk after nearly 60 points from D-Henry and Regular Season Lenny. Tenacious Dizzle outlasts Planeteers after a nice choice of Darrell Henderson and an unfortunate McCaffrey no-go. Finally, Hawkeyes downs Whammy while Jon Taylor runs all over lowly Houston. 

Miraculously, once again everyone advances in Survivor - 2022 family reunion in Vegas, baby! Prangsters takes home the pool picks and the value of a Starbucks frap. 

Good luck in lucky Week 7, fam - nail down that NFL head coach Halloween costume with several errant clipboards, an undulating potbelly and impeccably high-waisted khakis. 

🏈AFFL Week 5

Viking Man takes his horns to the AFFL, laying down preposterous POINTS (championship!) with a surge from his Chargers Herbert/Williams tandem to more than double poor FFT, who’s head was left spinning faster than Adam Schefter deciding which cell phone to answer first on draft day. This must be some sort of league record that deserves a star on the AFFL Walk of Fame located in Bloomington, Indiana behind the Petco. Captain Kirk defeats A&O with help from another Charger, Austin Ekeler, two men named Damien and a little thing called faith (also the momentum of his Minnesota Vikings and Kirk Cousins’s forearm into Mike Zimmer’s chest…Zimmer down, people.) The Moose bounces back vs Tenacious D with a stellar rendition by Josh Allen in the pouring rain in KC as lightning delayed halftime (it’s not THUNDER that caused the delay, it’s lightning, OK? Somebody’s still bitter about the Sonics moving to OKC), allowing ample time for Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth to sing campfire tunes while making s’mores. The Planeteers edge out Hawkeyes despite Iowa’s momentous win Saturday, leaving their fans more excited than Kelly Clarkson on The Voice. Pink Panther pulls it out over Prangsters with a big Hollywood Brown showing on MNF. Finally, PPE lays the wood to Whammy after some ill-advised trash talk. 

MT Moose snags the five after the Ravens comeback to beat Indy in OT as a single tear rolls down Peyton Manning’s face. Everyone advances in Survivor so let’s re-rack it for next week. 

Good luck to ALL in Week 6!

🏈AFFL Week 4

Week 4 was a dooze!

A&O gets a humongous ground game and blows up The Planeteers (Elon Musk’s favorite team) despite Deebo’s deeds. Viking Man defeats Pink Panthers who got a no-show from half her squad. FFT edges the Prangsters even though Cordarrelle Patterson got as many touchdowns as “R”s in his first name (3). Tenacious D beats out PPE thanks to a 15er from his trusty Bills D, which you might even call tenacious (Tenacious D may be an undercover member of the Bills Mafia). Watch out for moose (meese?) crossing and a cross Moose as she watched in horror Monday night, getting a lousy 2 from her kicker when she needed 4. Finally, Whammy whammys Captain Kirk (Shatner’s going to space, if you haven’t seen TMZ lately), getting a winning performance from Tyreek & the Hills. 

Tenacious D takes home five buckaroos and solidifies pole position in pool picks. The Moose and Pink Panthers (sounds like a French Canadian zoo, am I right? Thank you, I’ll be here all season) are voted off the island in Survivor after the previously winless Big Apple teams upset their picks - luckily they have a Redemption Island available in the form of one crisp Abe each. 

Best of luck in Week 5 except for PPE! 

Just kidding, but not really. 

- White Goodman, Dodgeball

🏈AFFL Week 3

 

Another week has passed and football season is in full-swing as we enter October - the best time of year for sports. With the baseball playoffs arriving (the Mariners are a game and a half out - get them M’s up - Mooses!), basketball season tipping off early and America’s game, football, going strong, in the immortal words of Grace Slick, “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.” As Chris Berman says on The Blitz, “What a long, strange trip it’s been.” 

The Moose Whammys her middle child’s squad thanks to a signature Josh Allen performance (get used to that phrase). Matt defeats his older brother, Brett (due to a well-balanced attack) in a rivalry that dates back to 1995. Pink Panther dominates her own father in a lopsided affair. A & O knocks off her Aunt Jo and Uncle Lane as it turns out Tom Brady is not Superman’s cousin, merely Thor’s uncle. Steve lays the hammer to nephew Nick after getting monster games from his wide outs. Lastly, Elle beats out her cousin Preston with help from a powerful run game and not much from A-Aron (too busy playing the ukulele - “Mahalo, Kiki.”) 

PPE takes home the fiver in pool picks with a whopping 120, only missing two games. Preston advances in Survivor with a phantom delay of game and goalpost assistance from the kicker gods.

Good luck to all in Week 4!

Listen to my podcast Chris Arneson Show

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🏈AFFL Week 1

 

Week 1 of the 2021 AFFL season is in the books and it was a doozy. WHAMMY picks up the high points (not that it matters in this year’s new format of scoring - in the words of the late, great Al Davis, “Just win, baby!”). Oh captain, my Captain Kirk - Brett holds off The Planeteers despite the Monday Night Vegas action as Nick comes storming back with a vengeance in his return to The League. Prangsters fall to the Moose in their first game back on the field after a hiatus (Planeteers and Prangsters are two creative gems in the name department, though). 

A & O picks up the Lincoln as they take home the first week of pool picks, thanks to a wild Raiders overtime victory on MNF. Viking Man and WHAMMY drop out of Survivor after the Falcons and Bills lose but they’ll buy their way back in with a pair of Lincolns. 

Check the Waiver Wire if your team is banged up and get your lineups and picks in before Thursday night - welcome back, everyone!

Listen to my podcast Chris Arneson Show

Support the pod & blog & my other creative ventures Venmo @ChrisArneson8

Survivor Takeaways Week 2

 1. The twists just keep coming.

2. Something is different about Jeff’s voice and look - I hope he is doing alright. 👍

3. Black- Irish women are attractive.

4. Just because you’re the smartest person in the tribe doesn’t mean you’re the smartest person in the tribe.

5. Just because you are a “Pre-vivor” and beat Cancer before it could strike doesn’t mean you can get across a balance beam in less than 12 tries (just scoot across it on your butt on the first try for goodness sake).

6. Brad is a stealthy gazelle. 

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Photo Album #2

 

Photo Album 1: Walks

 

Musings 9

 1. My favorite thing to do in the history of the world is getting up at 5:30, first walking to Starbucks with my Starbucks cup full of milk and ice to get my Starbucks venti iced coffee (no ice, no sweetener, no room) and then continuing to soldier on for a two or two and a half hour walk with my Mom and/or Dad (with a poop pit stop, of course, due to the Starbucks venti iced coffee with no ice, no sweetener and no room - that’s a lot of coffee at that time of morning and you know Starbucks puts more caffeine in there to get ya hooked on that sweet, sweet bean.) I’ve spent the last five months with my Mom and/or Dad non-stop because of my…“situation.” It’s just not as fun going for a morning walk by yourself (like I just got back from an hour ago) as it is to go with your Mom and/or Dad - I wish I could recognize it at the time, while I am walking with them. Sometimes I do, though…sometimes in the middle of our walk I would think to myself, “I’m gonna miss this someday - I love going for this walk this morning.” It’s a gift to be grateful for something while you’re doing it - to truly appreciate the time and place and opportunity to make memories and have fun. I definitely got a bit spoiled getting to hang out with my parents all the time for five months in a row - who gets to do that at 28 years old? Unless you live at home or have a serious medical condition. It just seems weird to me that I would be annoyed at any time by my Mom or Dad in the past five months because now that I’m all by myself once again in California, I really miss them! I should have been more thankful to get to spend that time with them - it was truly a fun time binge-watching a ton of Survivor and going for long walks in Valencia and going out to eat and just hanging out with them in the apartment while listening to podcasts and stretching out on the yoga foam roller. It was also a good distraction, always being with someone else, so I don’t have to think about my upcoming surgery or stress out about health thoughts. I’m staying at the Hilton in Calabasas til I move in to my new apartment in Northridge tomorrow afternoon (super pumped, y’all). I’ve stayed at this specific hotel on two occasions in the past - once in March for two nights with my Mom and Dad, right after I was released from the hospital after my first round of Chemo, and once ten days ago for two nights with my Dad (after we moved out of our Valencia apartment and before I went back to Bothell for my farewell tour with the ol’ house I grew up in - that’s a story for a whole other blog post). Each time I stayed at this place, it has felt like a completely different hotel, based on who I stayed with and the circumstances. This time, by myself, I am very positive and hopeful and optimistic and looking forward to a new adventure in my new apartment and also eagerly awaiting my surgery. I’m excited but also scared and stressed and missing my parents because it’s hard to be all alone with your Cancer brain fog and wild imagination about everything that could happen. Maybe everything could just go right, too - maybe everything could just be alright - you never know - that’s why they play the game. 

Musings 8

 1. Why do the words “slick” and “slippery” both exist when they could just as easily be combined into “slickery”?

2. If Mike Birbiglia lives in Burbank, I wonder if his neighbors call him Mike Burbanklia.

3. If diarrhea is a COVID symptom then everyone who goes to Starbucks has COVID.

4. First the Corona Virus then the Delta Variant - what’s next, the Walmart Willies?

QUOTE: “I choose to not fear Cancer - I will play football again.” - James Conner, Arizona Cardinals Running Back (Diagnosed @ Age 20)

Musings 7

 1. When you have Cancer and tell someone about it, the only real appropriate response is, “I’m sorry, it must be a very hard time for you.” F**k your stupid, fake, bulls**t cliches, show some compassion and empathy and be a human being. I feel like people want to distance themselves from me because I’m just an reminder that it could happen to them too, unexpectedly, out of nowhere, and it’s scary as f**k. It’s really hard for me right now to not be stressed out and scared and pissed off because I’m tired of this s**t and I just want to relax and not have to worry about my health. I guess the key to happiness is not expecting anything from anyone - lower those expectations, baby. It’s not like I knew how to talk to someone with Cancer before this year. Other than your mind being f****d, the hardest part about getting Cancer is realizing that not everyone really cares because they have problems of their own. I dare you to get Cancer (the worst Truth or Dare challenge of all time) and not believe that the world revolves around you - not because you’re selfish but because it feels like your problems are bigger than other people’s. But ya gotta remember that there will always be someone luckier and better off than you but at the same time there will always be people going through an even tougher time than you and less fortunate than you. I could look at it either of two ways: 1. I’m very unlucky to randomly get Cancer because the odds of getting it at age 27 are pretty astronomical (but it’s gotta happen to someone, right? That’s how statistics work). 2. I’m very lucky that I went to the doctors at the right time and I’m still alive and cautiously optimistic (knock on 🪵) and there are people even younger who have DIED from Cancer - a few days ago I was watching Tommy Boy with my Dad at the hotel in Agoura Hills and I googled Chris Farley and went down a lil rabbit hole - his brother Kevin Farley was in a fictional, “mockumentary”-style boy band called 2gether and one of the dudes in it was named Michael Cuccione. Michael got Hodgkins Lymphoma at age 9 (!) and died a week after his 16th birthday - that’s sad as f**k - that’s way worse than my situation. He was robbed of a childhood at age NINE. So I’m more lucky than Michael Cuccione. Also, Michael established the Michael Cuccione Foundation for Cancer Research so it sounds like he stayed positive and was a heck of a fighter. If you are still alive, you’re luckier than anyone who has died. It doesn’t help to feel sorry for yourself - you just have to breast up and be a f*****g warrior like Michael Cuccione. It could always be better but it could also always be worse - look at the people who have it worse off than you if you ever feel sorry for yourself and be thankful. F**k pity, f**k self-pity. I will never feel sorry for myself - I truly believe the key to unhappiness is feeling sorry for yourself - self-pity is a dangerous trap and a path I will not go down. Nothing will make my feel sorry for myself because I am the only one in control of how I feel - I will not let external circumstances beyond my control determine my state of mind. I’m gonna keep goin and I won’t stop til I drop. I am a f*****g Yoda, b***h. 

Musings 6

 1. When you get Cancer, you realize everyone is full of s**t. You also realize that you are one bada** motherf*****. 

2. Just changed hotels from Calabasas to Glendale - I’m calling it a Reverse Kardashian. 

3. Confession: After having Testicular Cancer that spread to my neck, now every time I eat I have some sort of psychological fixation that makes me feel like I’m going to choke and it’s stressing the f**k out of me. I just ate a Dodger Dog and almost Dodger Died (but a Dodger game must be one of the best places to choke on food - there would be hundreds of eager fans lined up to Heimlich the heck outta ya). It sounds like I’m exaggerating but I swear to Jeebus that I’m being true. Also, when I look around and see people joyfully and thoughtlessly eating and talking and laughing and wolfing down food at an alarming rate it just nails home the fact that Cancer has f****d me in the mind real good. I never even once thought that I would choke on food before Cancer but now every time I take a bite, fireworks go off in my head and my brain keeps shouting at me, “You’re gonna die!” It doesn’t sound like a big deal but it’s literally ruining me and stressing me the f**k out cuz what am I gonna do - not eat? I can only have so many smoothies and oatmeal and yogurt and ice cream. But from now on (at least for now, til things hopefully get better) I’m gonna just take super small bites (you can call me Chrissy Small Bites) and not eat hot dogs or steak (I hate steak anyway) or any other chewy, voluminous s**t. Also, I’ll use a fork all the time now - if I had a fanny pack I would stick a fork in it (literally). My new favorite cartoon character is Forky from Toy Story. I f*****g hate this bulls**t. It’s kinda tough being around a crowd of happy, healthy people (of course not everyone there but just in general the crowd is mostly seems happy and healthy) cuz it just makes me feel worse - I was at the hospital for an appointment today and it actually feels more comfortable being around a bunch of sick people cuz it doesn’t make me feel like I’m a Make-A-Wish kid. The main thing is that this eating problem simply drives home the fact that everything has changed in 2021 for me and I’m having trouble coming to terms with the change. And I hate it and my mind is f****d by the stress. Life is so much tougher than it used to be. I can’t f*****g eat a bagel without having a mental breakdown, godd****t. Just got back from the Dodgers game and watching Sportscenter but now I’m going to bed cuz it’s 11:11 and I’m gonna make a wish - I wish for good health and to recover fully so I can live like a f*****g human being again because I’m sick of this s**t. Just had to get this off my chest cuz I haven’t told anyone and it’s EATING me alive…good night. 

Musings 5

 1. I wanna cancel comedians talking about Cancel Culture on podcasts.

2. Shout out to anyone with a creative bone in their body who has never been properly compensated for their “art” - those bastards don’t know what they’re talkin’ about. 

3. When you’re a kid, you think whores are bad people - when you grow up you realize that everyone is a whore and actual whores are the only honest people. 

4. Somebody (maybe even you, my trusty reader) should start a charity - one ounce of Weed per month for Cancer patients - let’s call it Smoke Up For Cancer. 

Musings 4

My podcast ➡️ Chris Arneson Show

 1. When I’m not smoking weed it’s like I’m watching just one NFL game - when I smoke weed it’s like I’m watching NFL Sunday Ticket when they show 8 games on the same screen. 

2. The “best” part about getting Testicular Cancer is getting to live with my parents temporarily in Santa Clarita and go for a walk with my Mom and/or Dad every day and binge a ton of Survivor with them and spend lots of time just hangin’ put together and chillin’ tough. 

3. The only thing money can buy you anymore is Screen Time.

4. The best way to have a short conversation with someone is unrelenting eye contact. 

5. I’m a classic romantic - I enjoy smokin’ weed and daydreaming.

6. No one loves a meaningless stat as much as a baseball announcer. 

7. If you think M. Night’s NEW movie “OLD” is weird, imagine actually being old - “Who put the elderly Snapchat filter on this mirror?”

8. When I’m CEO of this country, Alcohol shall be made illegal and all Alcohol products and sponsorships shall be replaced by Marijuana like the Lord intended. 💨 

Rambling Man #2

I was just thinking about how brief our stint on this planet we call Earth 🌍 really is, even if you live to see triple digits, it’s only a little slice of precious time (as I wrote about in my previous post, Musings 3) - that made me grateful that you are reading this or that anyone is reading this or has ever read what I have wrote or ever listened to my podcast - you’re only gonna get 700,000 or so hours as a conscious human being named *YOUR NAME HERE* (and that’s if you’re lucky enough to live a full, happy, healthy lifetime) so the fact that you’re SPENDING (like how money is spent except hours are more valuable cuz you can’t get em back) a few of your hours from your personal Time Account on my silly creative stuff. Even though my podcast and blog are “free”, it’s still not really free because like I keep saying - Time is currency. It makes me excited to be creative and leave my personal stamp on culture, no matter how minuscule my media footprint may be (maybe it will be bigger in a few years…or a few thousand hours 😉). What does it mean to “waste” time? Is time ever really wasted or does it just slip away sometimes? The only TIME I ever really feel like I wasted time is when I lose my steady state of mind and get a bad attitude about something or feel frustrated or pissed off. Sometimes that makes you feel more alive and young and wild, though, but there are healthier ways to let off some steam. That’s why I love the sauna (it would have been more appropriate if I said I love the “steam” room but just not true - the steam room certainly feels good but if you wanna reallyyyy sweat, the sauna is the way to go. The steam room is good if you have a congested head and you just inhale deeply and get all that steam all up in your nose and clear your head.) The sauna is the healthiest way to decompress - sweating heavily in a controlled environment just feels great - especially when you don’t even have to earn the sweat, although sweat is best when it’s earned. Everyone should have a personal sauna and ice bath - instead of 40 acres and a mule it should have been 40 acres, a mule, a sauna, an ice bath, a foam yoga roller and a blender to make healthy smoothies with lots of chia seeds and cinnamon and peanut butter. Anywhoozles, to summarize - it’s healthy to sweat a lot and drink your delicious, nutritious smoothies and thank you for spending your valuable time with me (in digital spirit, at least) - have a great handful of hours until you go to sleep and wake up fresh, anew and ready to be the peak version of *YOUR NAME HERE* (don’t even get me started on minutes). 

Musings 3

1. Let’s make next year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest interesting by adding a Starving Kids From Africa, Californian Street Schizos and Amazonian Cannibal division (the hot dogs in the Amazonian Cannibal division being “Todd Dogs”, of course, comprised of Todd, the village idiot.

2. The main thing you realize when you don’t smoke weed is how boring everyone is - liven up people!

3. You might have a million dollars but you’ll never have a million hours - 80 years is about 700,000 hours (not as many as you would think) - hours are more important than dollars - as long as you have a few dollars to help you enjoy your hours - or you can put in a few hours to earn a few dollars but remember to enjoy the few hours you DO have cuz you can’t get them back - you can always earn a few bucks but hours are irretrievable so make the most of every day cuz you might only get 30,000 or so days IF you’re lucky (80 years is 29,200 days) - if you looked at each day like a dollar you wouldn’t even have enough days in a lifetime to buy a Tesla - days are expensive and valuable. When you think about it like that, even a 90 year-old is a baby (like how Joe Rogan looks at everyone as the innocent, baby version of themselves) - just the other day a 90 year-old was 28 like myself. Makes me jealous of Benjamin Buttons.

Rambling Man #1

It’s Tuesday Morning, just past 11 AM and almost 11:11 so I’m brainstorming my wishlist. Just recorded a few songs this morning - I like making my own songs as a non-musician music guy - like a SoundCloud rapper without the clout or ‘tude. My rapper tag (name? Pseudonym? Nom de plume?) is Beavis - Beavis and Butthead isn’t my favorite show ever but I do have fond memories of watching it with friends in junior high and high school (especially with Bret at Brian’s house - y’all know who ya are - put some respect on those ‘toons). Speaking of Brian’s house, we used to shoot on his basketball hoop and when we hucked it all the way from the grass, we would bellow out, “Salim Stoudamire!” or simply, “Salim!” Damon Stoudamire and Terrence Jones’s cousin, Salim had a brief NBA career playing for the Atlanta Hawks but he truly shined in his collegiate years as an Arizona Wildcat as the Tucson Tribe consistently contended for the PAC 10 (back then) title. Hey it’s 11:11! I wished for good health - I know you’re not supposed to say your wish out loud but I just typed it, so there. Anyway, I was gonna say that I like making “songs” as a non-musician music dude cuz there’s no pressure to do anything in particular - it’s not like anyone is expecting radio-ready tunes from some non-musician fella who goes by Beavis. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the first edition of Rambling Man which was undoubtedly influenced and inspired by Bill Simmons’s old columns which he called “The Ramblings” since I’ve been reading all his old stuff on his old ESPN archive but Bill is so famous and has so many houses that I don’t think he’ll notice and up-and-comer like lil ol me, Beavis. 

Listen to my podcast  Chris Arneson Show

A Totally Honest Review of Alien

 It was a decent, Saturday night popcorn-tossin’ romp. Seems like a good movie to watch in a drive-in movie theater straight outta the 80s - seems like the kind of movie they would have watched in Stranger Things (even though Alien came out in 1979 and Stranger Things is set in the 80s as everyone who has a brain and a Netflix subscription knows, obvi). Sigourney Weaver’s panties near the end of the movie were distracting - they made her butt look like a trucker’s butt (not that I would know what a trucker tush would look like - what do I look like to you, a tasty lil lot lizard lollipop?). The buttcrack to buttcheek ratio was way off there - something like 243:3.7. 

Musings 2

 1. The most fun part about weed is getting scared about a “What if your parents didn’t have kids” scenario.

2. The “best” part about Cancer is screentime no longer seems like such a pressing issue. 

3. Speaking of Cancer, imagine trying to tell a dog it has a terminal illness - poor Fido just kept licking his balls and innocently searching for the Milk Bone you put on top of his head - “This is serious, Fido, get your nose out of my crotch! You’re going to have to start eating more vegetables with your poop meals.”

4. Listening to a middle-aged couple discussing the intricate details of the sale of their house is the slowest burn of humblebrags. Houses are like kids - no one cares about yours except you. Don’t even get me started on a young family moving into their starter home. 

Musings 1

 1. Has any driver ever asked a passenger, “Am I good from that direction?” and not subsequently looked for themself? Also, you’re driving - I’m the passenger, I’m not driving - what would you do if I wasn’t there, drive your Nissan Juke thru the pumpkin pile outside the Whole Foods? What if I say “Yes” but I meant “Yes there’s a car” not “Yes you’re good”? When does this question NOT also have the follow up question, “I’m good, right?” We could be halfway to Trader Joe’s if it weren’t for all this back-and-forth. What if a poor passenger felt like today was the day to end it all but then you offered up a convenient murder-suicide by 12 person-Pedal Bar full of foreign exchange students from Austria option? What about when you DO look after already asking me - what, you don’t trust my 20/20 lookers, my impeccable face balls? Just pretend I’m not there. You’re in control of the car, it’s on you. Why are you trying to make me feel involved in the car ride - what is this, the Special Olympics of Sunday drives? Asking, “Am I good?” is like asking your spouse if you wiped your butt enough - you’re the one with the stanky wad of TP in your paws - you’re the one who sent the deuce down the drain - I’m not that dude who hands out mints in the restroom at the local whorehouse - I don’t get paid to sniff immaculate turds laid down by Japanese businessmen from the Midwest. Don’t put our lives in my hands as the passenger while I’m in the middle of a complicated fantasy football waiver wire transaction - don’t you put that on me Ricky Bobby - don’t you PUT THAT ON ME!

2. Eating a bowl of raw broccoli while having Cancer makes me feel like a retired offensive lineman who ballooned to 430 pounds pounding the treadmill on incline at Gold’s Gym while binging American Pickers on the History Channel - doin’ the Lord’s work. 

3. Any kids out there reading this who want to write a book someday - it will probably come and go without many people caring about it or even noticing - don’t get too worked up about it - most famous authors have ghostwriters, maybe you can be one of those when you grow up - the key to happiness is low expectations. 

Drawing #38

 

“Open your Heart”

Drawing #37

“The Giving Tree”

 

My MLB Ballparks Visited ⚾️

 My MLB Ballparks ⚾️ 

⭐️=Multiple visits 🔴=Seen the park but no game 🔵=Toured the park but no game

1. Kingdome (M’s)⭐️ 
2. Safeco Field (M’s) ⭐️ 
3. Tropicana (Rays) ‘99
4. Globe Life (Rangers) ‘02
5. Metrodome (Twinkies) ‘07
6. Miller Park (Brew Crew) ‘07
7. Wrigley (Cubbies) ‘07
8. U.S. Cellular (Chi Sox) ‘07
9. Busch (Cards) ‘07
10. Kauffman (Royals) ‘07
11. Ol Yanks (Yanks) ‘08
12. Shea (Mets) ‘08
13. Citizens Bank (Phils) ‘08
14. Camden (O’s) ‘08
15. Nationals (Nats) 🔴 ‘08
16. Pac Bell (Giants) 🔴 ‘09
17. Diamondbacks (D-backs) 🔵 ‘09
18. Coors (Rocks) ‘03
19. Dodger Stadium (Dodgers) ⭐️ 1st ‘09
20. Angels (Halos) ⭐️ 1st ‘03
21.