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Thursday, June 20, 2019
A Totally Honest Review of Ma
The unlikely sequel to the lovable rom com Mother’s Day, Ma leaves the audience crying out for a significant female parental figure to save them from this psychological web of distortion manifested by a slightly turnt Octavia Spencer. A modern-day love letter to social media, the film reminds us yet again that it’s always FaceTime-o’clock somewhere. The gaggle of ne’er-do-well juvenile delinquents listlessly drifts into a predictable pattern of MAyhem as the ghost of Snapchat haunts them at every swipe. There are so many Red Solo Cups in this flick that they should start calling them Red Party Cups (why don’t they do that anyway - who drinks a Red Solo Cup alone unless they are filming a Wrangler’s commercial in the rolling, luscious green meadows Bret Favre’s palatial estate, camping with their giant dogs or playing darts in their man cave with a picture of their high school football coach as a target because they still haven’t forgiven Coach Carter (same name as the Samuel L. Jackson movie but it’s just a coincidence) for pulling them out of the starting lineup in the state championship game for Mullens, who would go on to throw three interceptions and make a complete doofus of himself in the process because that’s what Mullens does, that’s what Mullens has always done, ever since the fifth grade when he guessed that there were 69 jelly beans in the giant jelly bean jar at the school end-of-the-year annual jamboree when there were clearly at least twice as much, but that’s Mullens for ya, always going the extra mile for the chuckle, miming mashed potatoes to Lunchlady Patty being one of his go-to bits when he was in a crunch and in need of a quick guffaw, make it to-go.) (Also, you could buy Red Party Cups at the Red Party Store, which is what they call The Party Store in states that vote Republican.) Don’t see Ma if you have a light heart when it comes to cyber bullying or heart-related injuries but if you like that kind of stuff (I’m talking about the first thing), that’s disgusting - stop putting down Ex Machina. I give this one three and a half stars out of five (as in three and a half ninja stars to protect yourself from that lady who is crazy like a cat.) Ma is a fun moving picture but maybe not the best one to take YOUR Ma to...especially if she thinks Lifetime films can be too violent or carries a tiny dog in her purse or hands out hard candy to underprivileged, disease-ridden bastards.
Monday, June 17, 2019
A Totally Honest Review of John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum
A film noir-infused Grand Theft Auto-leaning, Wes Anderson-inspired, jolly ol’ romp of a moving picture (literally, it’s a non-stop action-packed thing.) Keanu Reeves is great as he renews his role as the guy in the office who everyone is a little afraid of. Dogs are an ongoing theme of the series as a handful of particularly inspired camps of PETA have inaugurated a shantytown on the front lawn of the highly paranoid Jonathan Hwick, a mild-mannered senior pharmacist from Fergus Falls, Minnesota who enjoys taxidermy, going for walks with his litter-picking-up stick and his eleven-year-old Cocker Spaniel, Daniel, and reading European travel magazines by his stone fireplace with a generously-poured tumbler of a rotating selection of red wines from the region as Daniel sprawls out on his favorite rug and adorably kicks whilst dreaming of playing fetch in a meadow.
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Sunday, June 16, 2019
California Haikus🌴
Get your palm tree read
‘Twas welcomed with open arms
Tanned and tatted ones
Lots of loudish cars
Streets humming with excitement
Valley symphony
Sun screen and Aloe
Tropical sun shade, Walmart
In N Out car line
Tromping beach to beach
Malibu’s a favorite
In both song and place
Scientology
Recruited at Central Casting
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