Rambling Man #1

It’s Tuesday Morning, just past 11 AM and almost 11:11 so I’m brainstorming my wishlist. Just recorded a few songs this morning - I like making my own songs as a non-musician music guy - like a SoundCloud rapper without the clout or ‘tude. My rapper tag (name? Pseudonym? Nom de plume?) is Beavis - Beavis and Butthead isn’t my favorite show ever but I do have fond memories of watching it with friends in junior high and high school (especially with Bret at Brian’s house - y’all know who ya are - put some respect on those ‘toons). Speaking of Brian’s house, we used to shoot on his basketball hoop and when we hucked it all the way from the grass, we would bellow out, “Salim Stoudamire!” or simply, “Salim!” Damon Stoudamire and Terrence Jones’s cousin, Salim had a brief NBA career playing for the Atlanta Hawks but he truly shined in his collegiate years as an Arizona Wildcat as the Tucson Tribe consistently contended for the PAC 10 (back then) title. Hey it’s 11:11! I wished for good health - I know you’re not supposed to say your wish out loud but I just typed it, so there. Anyway, I was gonna say that I like making “songs” as a non-musician music dude cuz there’s no pressure to do anything in particular - it’s not like anyone is expecting radio-ready tunes from some non-musician fella who goes by Beavis. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the first edition of Rambling Man which was undoubtedly influenced and inspired by Bill Simmons’s old columns which he called “The Ramblings” since I’ve been reading all his old stuff on his old ESPN archive but Bill is so famous and has so many houses that I don’t think he’ll notice and up-and-comer like lil ol me, Beavis. 

Listen to my podcast  Chris Arneson Show

A Totally Honest Review of Alien

 It was a decent, Saturday night popcorn-tossin’ romp. Seems like a good movie to watch in a drive-in movie theater straight outta the 80s - seems like the kind of movie they would have watched in Stranger Things (even though Alien came out in 1979 and Stranger Things is set in the 80s as everyone who has a brain and a Netflix subscription knows, obvi). Sigourney Weaver’s panties near the end of the movie were distracting - they made her butt look like a trucker’s butt (not that I would know what a trucker tush would look like - what do I look like to you, a tasty lil lot lizard lollipop?). The buttcrack to buttcheek ratio was way off there - something like 243:3.7. 

Musings 2

 1. The most fun part about weed is getting scared about a “What if your parents didn’t have kids” scenario.

2. The “best” part about Cancer is screentime no longer seems like such a pressing issue. 

3. Speaking of Cancer, imagine trying to tell a dog it has a terminal illness - poor Fido just kept licking his balls and innocently searching for the Milk Bone you put on top of his head - “This is serious, Fido, get your nose out of my crotch! You’re going to have to start eating more vegetables with your poop meals.”

4. Listening to a middle-aged couple discussing the intricate details of the sale of their house is the slowest burn of humblebrags. Houses are like kids - no one cares about yours except you. Don’t even get me started on a young family moving into their starter home. 

Musings 1

 1. Has any driver ever asked a passenger, “Am I good from that direction?” and not subsequently looked for themself? Also, you’re driving - I’m the passenger, I’m not driving - what would you do if I wasn’t there, drive your Nissan Juke thru the pumpkin pile outside the Whole Foods? What if I say “Yes” but I meant “Yes there’s a car” not “Yes you’re good”? When does this question NOT also have the follow up question, “I’m good, right?” We could be halfway to Trader Joe’s if it weren’t for all this back-and-forth. What if a poor passenger felt like today was the day to end it all but then you offered up a convenient murder-suicide by 12 person-Pedal Bar full of foreign exchange students from Austria option? What about when you DO look after already asking me - what, you don’t trust my 20/20 lookers, my impeccable face balls? Just pretend I’m not there. You’re in control of the car, it’s on you. Why are you trying to make me feel involved in the car ride - what is this, the Special Olympics of Sunday drives? Asking, “Am I good?” is like asking your spouse if you wiped your butt enough - you’re the one with the stanky wad of TP in your paws - you’re the one who sent the deuce down the drain - I’m not that dude who hands out mints in the restroom at the local whorehouse - I don’t get paid to sniff immaculate turds laid down by Japanese businessmen from the Midwest. Don’t put our lives in my hands as the passenger while I’m in the middle of a complicated fantasy football waiver wire transaction - don’t you put that on me Ricky Bobby - don’t you PUT THAT ON ME!

2. Eating a bowl of raw broccoli while having Cancer makes me feel like a retired offensive lineman who ballooned to 430 pounds pounding the treadmill on incline at Gold’s Gym while binging American Pickers on the History Channel - doin’ the Lord’s work. 

3. Any kids out there reading this who want to write a book someday - it will probably come and go without many people caring about it or even noticing - don’t get too worked up about it - most famous authors have ghostwriters, maybe you can be one of those when you grow up - the key to happiness is low expectations.