What If Your Life Was Directed By Judd Apatow?

     You live to be 240 years old and have more divorces than fedoras and fedoras are your favorite hat. You have kids that hate you, a cat that is secretly plotting your demise and a nanny that is in love with you. You have a screenplay in the works and do a lot of work on spec. You walk to the local coffee shop in the morning with your dog who also hates corporations. Your favorite sport is being left alone. You own several hundred shares of sandal investments; you have Birken-stock. You are a skeptic and take everything with a grain of granola.
     You wear a beanie in the summer months and a patterned tank top in December. You have been working on your autobiography for the past decade with no finish line in sight. You despise reality TV and everything it stands for but wouldn't know about it because you haven't owned a TV since the Carter administration. (You call Cris Carter's years with the Minnesota Vikings the Carter Administration.)
     One time, you ate a grape at Trader Joe's and felt so bad that you shared your Uber Pool with a kindly drifter. You enjoy long walks on the beach, blind taste tests of chips and playing Fortnite in your bath robe. You have never seen a Nicolas Cage movie but you also haven't not seen a Nicolas Cage movie. You don't like to talk about yourself but you consider your art to be a separate entity about you which you will happily elaborate.

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