The Train Cruise

     You have just boarded the annual Sail Across the Sun Cruise otherwise known as the Train Cruise. How does one sail across the sun is the question you ask yourself as you drop your luggage off in your teepee and collapse onto a hammock adjacent to the mini fridge full of magnets with pictures of Train doing Train things like stand up paddleboarding, singing karaoke with sick children and holding court with a group of fans by a bonfire on the beach while using extremely exaggerated hand gestures. You check your Train novelty Apple Watch to see that it's time to head over to the reception dinner where jumbo shrimp, shaved ice and little pieces of Snickers bars on shiny tin plates lined with Cool Whip, the official condiment of the cruise, will be walked around by servers all dressed exactly like one of the members of the band. The jumbo shrimp is to be dipped into a pool of Cool Whip, the shaved ice is topped in Cool Whip and you receive a crew neck sweater compliments of the Cool Whip marketing team, Cream of the Crop. A Pool of Cool Whip is the name of Jim Gaffigan's next Netflix special. A Pool of Cool Whip is Michael Phelps's worst nightmare; last time it popped up in his dreams, Freddy Krueger was floating in the middle of it on a swim noodle. A Pool of Cool Whip is how I describe my emotions to my therapist.

     "Thank you all for being here. I would love to make this event the best music and comedy cruise in the world! Let's sack those hacky 311 fans, prompt the KISS Army's mascara to run wild and tumble dry the leg warmers of the 80s cruise passengers, causing them to shrink." Patrick Monahan, Train front man and legendary Baccarat player, announces proudly, holding the microphone like a baby chipmunk from Happy Tree Friends. (I would love to see a Happy Tree Friends version of Friends where Joey bites off Chandler's pinky and sells it on the appendage black market to Ross for a pack of cigarettes and a free punch in the face from Ross.) (Honey, I Shrunk the Leg Warmers would be the best science fiction comedy of all time. Honey, I Shrunk the Leg Warmers would win an Oscar, a Razzie and an ESPY. Honey, I Shrunk the Leg Warmers is the type of movie that the writers came up with the title first and were like, "OK now that we have our jumping off point, let's go binge watch Cheers." (Honey, I Shrunk the Leg Warmers exists in a Post (Sam) Malone universe in which the main crux of the show is to see whoever can get Norm blacked out the quickest without him noticing.)

     Champagne glasses full of Arizona Green Tea, Tito's and shards of Vertical Horizon records on vinyl clink as the cruise collectively toasts in celebration of good times hanging out with rock stars in the sun and seeing their Cool Whip-free dreams come true before their Oakleys.  

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