The club was established by a French writer, Francois Chevalier, in a Parisian steam room in 1823. Chevalier was taking his usual fifteen minute steam before retiring to the cafe to work on his memoir when one of the steam room servants entered the room and asked if he would like anything to drink. Chevalier thanked the young woman for the offer but politely declined before asking her what she would like to accomplish in her life (what her Baguette List is if you will; that was terrible, I know, but let me have my fun). The young woman, Ines, said that one day she would love to float in a tank of water without being able to hear or see anything; that was her dream. When pressed on why that was something that she would love to do, Ines said because she would like to get just a few moments of silence as a reprieve from her pair of awfully annoying twin little brothers, Enzo and Gabin. She told the French writer about a particularly terrible incident in which she was attempting to work on her studies when Enzo and Gabin barged into her room and snatched her book. They passed it back and forth as they sprinted down the hallway of their home, losing themselves in a riot of laughter the whole time. Ines was so perturbed and off put by the act of aggression that she threw Gaetan, Enzo and Gabin's guinea pig, into the family's backyard well (Gaetan thankfully survived the tumbled thanks to a combination of an amazingly soft pile of dirt and leaves at the bottom that acted as a landing pad of sorts in addition to his background as a stunt double for the Kia hamsters.) (Gaetan is a time traveling guinea pig if you find yourself questioning the validity of his prolific career). It took their mother and father several tireless hours to rescue poor Gaetan, a clueless rodent who was roped into an sibling dispute about the merits of academics compared to having a jolly old time. Chevalier became incredibly inspired by the young woman and went on to invent the sensory deprivation tank as well as initiate The Paris Floating Club with the help of his wife, Louise, who agreed with Ines's sentiment about getting some much needed quiet time.
The purpose of founding The Paris Floating Club was twofold. First, the club was established to create a breeding ground for social wisdom and new age ideas such as floating in sensory deprivation tanks and having heated debates with ducks over not finishing the precious bread crumbs that you thanklessly tossed their way out of the good of your heart. Second, and perhaps most critically, the club was formed as a platform for the Lily Pads. Who are the Lily Pads? You don't want to know. I'm telling you, you really don't want to know. If you find out, someone in a red jumpsuit and purple Crocs will most likely show up at your house in the next 96 hours and drop off a cardboard box. Get in your car and drive fifteen miles (at the least) from your current location and throw that cardboard box as far as you can out of the window. Speed off and don't look back; don't ever look back. Never return to that location and don't tell anyone about the cardboard box (now you can't tell me that you weren't forewarned; keep an eye out for purple Crocs).
Why do I tell you all this? Because if you open that cardboard box, you become a Lily Pad. And you don't want to know what happens next if you become a Lily Pad, I can promise you that much. You really don't want to open that cardboard box. If you open it, your life will never be the same. Once you become a Lily Pad, a target is placed on your back larger than the logo of Target and Walmart put together in some sort of bizarro superstore that has set out to once and for all take down the mighty Costco, the entire Kirkland Signature brand and the free sample industry. Once you become a Lily Pad, you are no longer free and your journey has just begun. Once you become a Lily Pad, when people ask you what you do for a living you have to tell them that you drive for Uber, write folk music and enjoy long hikes in the mountains. Why do you have to tell them that? Because if you told them the truth you would have to cut their face off and put it on your face like John Travolta does Nicolas Cage in Face/Off. And why would you have to do that? As a tribute to your hero, Nicolas Cage, in your trek to becoming the most lethal Lily Pad in the storybook history of The Paris Floating Club.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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