A Day in the Life: Nicolas Cage pt. 1

4:11 am: Wake up in a wintry sweat having frigidly forgotten his identity.
4:12 am: Curse Matt Damon and Jason Bourne.
4:13 am: Send a note by carrier raven to Matt Damon to apologize for cursing him.
4:14 am: Lift the curse on Matt Damon while the hex on Jason Bourne is still at large.
4:16 am: Send a note by carrier raven to Ray Lewis to thank him for gifting a flock of carrier ravens for Boxing Day.
4:18 am: Send a note by carrier raven to Mike Tyson to apologize for misinterpreting Boxing Day by challenging him to a televised match at Circus Circus in Las Vegas via Periscope.
4:20 am: Google Nicolas Cage image results.
4:21 am: Sit on his laurels for thirty five seconds.
4:22 am: Water his garden of laurels in the conservatory that Molbak's bought for him as a part of their movie star sponsorship package in support of their YouTube Red show, Pruning with the Stars.
4:24 am: Send a note by carrier raven to Google to ask them to kindly select some better options for the top image search results for Nicolas Cage.
4:26 am: Drink a cup of Bulletproof Coffee.
4:29 am: Feel his powers of bulletproofness, which were already higher than the average human being, multiply exponentially.
4:31 am: Ride a tricycle through a pyramid of canned goods that was curiously assembled in his second floor Thinking Room by an unknown source although it's safe to say that it was Nicolas Cage.
4:32 am: Delicately pick several corn kernels out of his left eardrum with a pair of Nicolas Cage-brand tweezers and a prayer to the vegetable gods for mercy.
4:33 am: Donate the canned goods to a troop of Eagle Scouts (because Nicolas Cage only deals with the highest achieving group in any given club) who auspiciously rang his doorbell at this early hour after they overheard a pyramid of canned goods collapse from down the street while they were building a skate park for the needy and decided to investigate.
4:37 am: Serenade his favorite chinchilla, Jan, with the sweet melodies of Seal.
4:40 am: Kiss a rose from his conservatory.
4:41 am: Pick the thorns out of his lips.
4:42 am: It was still worth it.

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