The captain of the rival team, the Jampuffs, is Tom "Iceman" Kazansky and he is already heated before the start of the match. The bus driver of Tom Cruise's team, the Noob Crushers, swiped the Jampuffs's parking spot directly in front of the paintball park. In a parking lot designed by an architect with poor foresight, a quality preferred in most people in the profession, only one spot big enough for a team bus was created. The Jampuffs are forced to park in a dusty field nearly 300 meters north of the park. Iceman is a ball of fiery rage mostly because his Air Jordan Ones got scuffed but also because that is his normal temperature.
Tom Cruise gives the Noob Crushers an impassioned speech before the match. His teammates takes a knee, propping their guns against their chest shields and resting their elbow pads on their knee pads thereby transfusing foam energy throughout their beings. Tom Cruise looks off at the horizon as if he just forgot what he was about to say then his eyes focus in on an unidentifiable object in the distance, perhaps a tumbleweed trying to find its way home. Tom Cruise feels like a tumbleweed trying to find its way home sometimes but only if it was one of those aggressive tumbleweeds that sticks to the front of your windshield. Aggressive Tumbleweeds is the name of comedian Jeremiah Watkins's memoir.
"I don't know most of you. But you know me. My name, Mav, is synonymous with greatness. All you have to remember when you're out there on the battlefield is to do whatever I would do, no matter what the situation is, and you'll be just fine. Just think as I think, do as I do and win as I win and we'll all be alright in the end. Or my name isn't Mav Mitchell. It's actually Pete."
Speculative murmurs reverberated throughout the Noob Crushers. All of a sudden, one of the teammates stood up and sprinted out of sight, never to be seen again. Some people think it was because of pure terror. Others think they just had to go to the bathroom and realized the grave danger that they were putting themselves in by accepting this responsibility, reliving traumatic events from their past while relieving their bladder. Still more believe that the individual was recruited by Iceman to join the Jampuff squad before fleeing for the hills for fear of traitor radars and the wrath of Mav.
Then the match tipped off and Mav shot Iceman right in the face before the referee could even get out of the way. The shot was so lethal and generated such an ungodly amount of torque that it obliterated Iceman's goggles into a million little pieces, each with frostier tips than the last. Iceman's vision was stolen by the shot and he was limited to blind firing for the remainder of his paintball career which was incredibly illustrious and respected, ending with an induction into the International Paintball Hall of Fame located in the basement of the Dick's Sporting Goods in El Segundo.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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