Act One
Scene One
(A snow cone vendor barks out mating calls as a salty zephyr breezes in from the Pacific Ocean. Out of nowhere, the zephyr begins to zig and zag until it turns into a mighty gust, huffing and puffing and blowing the poor snow cone vendor's cart in. Well more accurately, the mighty gust turns the snow cone vendor cart into more of a slush cone vendor cart. The squall soon Deliverances the entire beach into a collective squeal. Several beach chairs are cast into orbit (Neil deGrasse Tyson has begun working on his thesis about them and the perils of cup holders in space), sailing through the blue, cloudless sky like they were supposed to be picked up by an Uber but the Uber never came so then they had to take an actual cab and they were upset about it because they wanted to improve their passenger rating after their roommate back in Boulder puked in the backseat of a Ford Taurus when they were celebrating her early May birthday so they decided to take out their frustrations on the atmosphere. Out of a cloud of sand emerges James Franco with Seth Rogen flopped over his shoulders like an old school JanSport.)
SETH: *gargling salt water and spitting it out, using it as a Swish substitute but not before nearly choking to death*
JAMES: Are you OK buddy?
SETH: Yeah, I'm doing great, man, never been better...WHAT DO YOU THINK, JAMES? GAHHHHHHHH! *Seth lets out a bloodcurdling cry for help as he pulls a family reunion full of sea urchins off his calf*
JAMES: Let's be honest, you deserved that one.
SETH: You son of a venture capitalist... What the....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *Seth lets out a shriek so menacing that even Wes Craven would've been like, "You can tone that down a few notches, that one might be a little too reel (he's such a film geek, you know he has one of those 100 movie bucket list posters where you scratch off each film after you see it to reveal its logo like a lottery ticket for people who got bullied in high school) for the audience to handle. I mean, we want to scare our fans but we don't want to prey upon them in their dreams or anything of that nature. Now THAT would be absurd." as he tears a pair of twins of baby Goblin sharks off each of his Achilles heels*
JAMES: Now will you apologize?
SETH: *passes out face first in a waiting room of ripples*
JAMES: *sighs dramatically as he looks back at his friend, on the brink of drowning, with an expression that knows that he'll remember these as the best days of his life* Guess I really do have to do everything around here.
*
SETH: *gargling salt water and spitting it out, using it as a Swish substitute but not before nearly choking to death*
JAMES: Are you OK buddy?
SETH: Yeah, I'm doing great, man, never been better...WHAT DO YOU THINK, JAMES? GAHHHHHHHH! *Seth lets out a bloodcurdling cry for help as he pulls a family reunion full of sea urchins off his calf*
JAMES: Let's be honest, you deserved that one.
SETH: You son of a venture capitalist... What the....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *Seth lets out a shriek so menacing that even Wes Craven would've been like, "You can tone that down a few notches, that one might be a little too reel (he's such a film geek, you know he has one of those 100 movie bucket list posters where you scratch off each film after you see it to reveal its logo like a lottery ticket for people who got bullied in high school) for the audience to handle. I mean, we want to scare our fans but we don't want to prey upon them in their dreams or anything of that nature. Now THAT would be absurd." as he tears a pair of twins of baby Goblin sharks off each of his Achilles heels*
JAMES: Now will you apologize?
SETH: *passes out face first in a waiting room of ripples*
JAMES: *sighs dramatically as he looks back at his friend, on the brink of drowning, with an expression that knows that he'll remember these as the best days of his life* Guess I really do have to do everything around here.
CUT TO THE TITLE SEQUENCE WHICH IS A SURFER (JAMES FRANCO, OBVIOUSLY, DO YOU REALLY THINK IT COULD BE SETH ROGEN AFTER THAT COLD OPEN?) CASUALLY CARVING UP A TIDAL WAVE AND DOING A BACK FLIP THROUGH THE LETTER O WHILE CHUGGING A NATTY LIGHT AND GETTING A TATTOO OF A BALD EAGLE DOING DEAD LIFTS (WHICH CROWS CALL MURDER LIFTS) IN ITS FRONT YARD AND SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND LISTENING TO A ST. LOUIS CARDINALS GAME ON THE HAM RADIO ALSO THERE IS A DIRT BIKE JUMP IN BETWEEN THE ABOVE GROUND POOL AND PUNCHING BAG WITH A HUGE WAHLBURGERS LOGO ON IT BECAUSE THE WAHLBERG FAMILY SPONSORS PUNCHING BAGS NOW AFTER DONNIE GREW WEARY OF ACTING IN THIS ROLE FOR THE PAST THREE DECADES PLUS
Wow, what the heck was that? This is craziness. I think I blacked out while writing that title sequence. All I could see was red and a light at the end of the chunnel (or tunnel network in Los Angeles that Elon Musk is building, pick a card, any card between these two.) Also, when I blinked, I saw an image of Jesus like that one thing on the internet in the mid 2000s that you stared at for like 15 seconds then looked at a white wall real quick and saw that image of Jesus. Anyway, I'm probably going to get outside and enjoy this mid October sunshine that we are experiencing in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Can you believe it? Take that, NBA. You could have had one of your teams here basking in our bevy of Autumn UV rays instead of milking cows, gathering eggs and tending to Russell Westbrook's vibrant collection of clothes.
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Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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