*Clank, rattle, knock* (Don't get too excited it's not the knockoff version of Rice Krispies, Corn Huskies)
"Who goes there?"
A booming voice echoes from behind the large wooden door. You are probably too old to be trick or treating but who's counting anymore anyway? You are dressed up as the Trivago Guy, without a belt, slightly razzled and looking like you just woke up in the dirt parking lot of a Dave Matthews concert in a Mercedes-Benz minibus with a trail of Trail Mix on your chest which has recently been waxed, while your girlfriend is aproned up and rocking the Flo From Progressive outfit. She quoted a nice couple that got into a minor fender bender on your walk over to the house. You two were so proud of your creativity in designing your costumes that you entered a local costume contest and promptly lost to some folks who were dressed up as the original American Idol judges. When you asked them where their Ryan Seacrest was, they were baffled by the question. When you reiterated that Ryan Seacrest should be a part of their group if they are going to represent the original American Idol, Paula flung a cup of Coca Cola in your general direction, Simon told you that if he ever met a genie that granted him three wishes, one would be for world peace and the other two would be in regards to you never being born and Randy said, "Sorry for my friends, dawg, if it makes you feel any better we're not really friends."
"Uhhh....trick or treat?"
All of a sudden, the massive slab of timber slowly creaked backwards, revealing a truly haunted house. I don't mean a regular house that your mom decorated with little toy spiders in the living room, pumpkins in the front yard and the ghost of your old neighbor, Ted, haunting the garage. I mean this was a friggin' haunted house, no other way to say it. This house was more haunted than the haunted mansion from that Eddie Murphy movie that was one of my favorite movies growing up and I would still probably love it because I have awesome taste (well, I like the things I like at least but I bet you would like it too. Watch it this Halloween night and start a new tradition that includes egging your annoying neighbors barn and forking their front yard!), The Haunted Mansion. This house was more haunted than Eddie Murphy's acting career since The Haunted Mansion was released. You and your girlfriend poke your heads through the open door and peer into the house at the pace of a tortoise and not the tortoise that beat the hare in the 100 meters at the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin while Hitler watched on, that must have been the fastest tortoise of all time (I may be getting my fables mixed up with reality, excuse me while I kiss the sky. I bet Tom Cruise calls it kissing the sky whenever he goes skydiving which is at least once every fortnight.) Think on it more like the tortoise from that kid who was like, "I like turtles" because that kid is a legend. Could you imagine the swag that kid must be walking around the playground with? He's probably like, "I'm not going to play Four square, I'll be the Simon Cowell of this lil shindig. Now dance for me."
"Who goes there?"
The same voice reverberates throughout the incredibly haunted house once again, this time even louder and more booming than last time. It actually sounds a little bit like Boomer, the former ESPN personality, now that you mention it. "That ghost is going back, back, back...back in time to haunt their family that didn't lend them the Winnebago to drive to Burning Man that one summer." Halloween is Chris Berman's favorite day of the year. Why? He just loves candy corn, that's all. One time he said to no one in particular, just talking to himself like he is wont to do, while waiting for the bus in Bristol, Connecticut, "If I went to Nebraska, I would rename the mascot the Candy Cornhuskers." Stan Verrett, who was also waiting for the ESPN shuttle but hiding behind one of those giant ESPN The Magazine covers that happened to have a picture of his face on it for good measure, broke the sad news to Boomer when he said, "Boom, just because you attend a university doesn't mean that you are allowed to rename their mascot. Sorry, Boom, shucks, I know how much you love candy corn, we all do. You just got to let it go, Boom, like dust in the wind right?" Then Boomer was like, "Dust in the Wind? That's Kansas, not Nebraska, Stan." Then Stan was like, "That's the Boom I know." And they fist bumped and a baby who will someday play football but probably not the same football because the rules will be changed to make the sport nearly unrecognizable compared to its present day form was born.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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