Ghost of a one night stand For a spookier time, pick out a fun cat sweater from the Nordstrom Rack
Craziest cat lady For a grand ol' night, sleep with a stranger then don't reply to their texts and possibly report them to the social media authorities for stalking your life
WiFi witch For an eerier day than a Great Lake, go to Starbucks for three and a half hours to use their internet and just buy a pack of Winterfresh gum
Pumpkin pie with a slice of Gruyere cheese For an alarmingly weird holiday, make it a gourd pie but don't tell anyone, it will be our little secret like the time you forgot to hide the eggs for your family on Easter so you took them to Disney Land and now it's an Easter tradition, wait a minute it's not really anything like that but still that's a great Easter tradition, we should do more of those. Why do people do egg hunts? That would be like hiding the turkey in the rumpus room under the billiards table on Thanksgiving morning then before you know it Uncle Dan has had one too many bloody mary's and he's going off about his ex again, Cheryl, and how she took the jet skis in the divorce, it could have been anything but the jet skis, Dan would have given her his appendix for the gosh dang jet skis. Sure, he got to keep the dart boards from the set of Road House but she hawked the double A battery supply.
Gremlin fan club member For a petrifying fright night, make it a Gremlins 2 fan club member
Phoebe Cates's dad in Gremlins who dressed up as Santa Claus and fell when going down the chimney and slipped and broke his neck and died and that's how Phoebe Cates's character in Gremlins found out that there is no Santa Claus which is probably the worst way to find out that there is no Santa Claus other than waking up to see Santa Claus actually watching you sleep like the song For sinister handful of hours, make it Krampus
Declawed Freddy Krueger For a 5 o'clock shadow-chilling experience, carry around a giant cat post in your see-through backpack
Freddy Kroger (holding a sack of Red Delizioso apples and wearing an apron and smiling real big) For a wicked happening, make it Freddy Costco and dish out pocketfuls of free samples to unsuspecting passersby
Rasta Tony Hawk (he was the first to ever achieve a 900 at the Expat Games) For a creepy occasion, make it Russian Shaun White and carry around a handle of Flying Tomato-flavored vodka
John Cusack holding an iPod Nano above his head that is playing The Wallflowers because if The Wallflowers was an actor it would be John Cusack and Joan Cusack would be Joan Jett obviously because she loves Rock and Roll For a wonky function, do this outside the local Apple store and scare away the customers
Lightning bolt on Harry Potter’s forehead For an extra spine chilling night, combine it with Rasta Tony Hawk, throw a pair of sprinter spikes on and then take them off and run around the track barefoot while auditioning for Jamaican Idol with a rendering of Red Red Wine by UB40 before having one of your teammates dump a Gatorade cooler of red wine on you in celebration while your trainer stews in the background because he forgot the Tide To Go at the team condo
Uber driver For a spirited gambit, make it a UB40 driver
One of Johnny Depp’s scarves For a horrifyingly ghoulish monster bash, add a parrot to your shoulder and a bottle of rum to your ocean
Grim Reaper bobblehead For a mohawk-raising affair, make it a free giveaway at your local college's homecoming game
Haunted housekeeper For a shocking series of events, cook up a fresh Ghoul Apron meal
Fingertip of chef For an unnerving occurrence, throw a pinky ring in there
Soot angel For a startling situation, fall down the chimney and slip and break your neck and that's how your daughter finds out there are no soot angels
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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