Nudist Resort pt. 1

     You aren't typically a risky person but then one day you tell yourself things are going to change. Why? Maybe you caught a particularly inspirational episode of Oprah where she gave a mime the courage to speak. Maybe you ordered one of Starbucks's signature, seasonal frappes and it through your taste buds for a loopity loop, taking them on a Vacation-style jaunt across your pallet in a Family Truckster with a huge ceremonial coffee bean on top. Maybe you just swan dived into a pile of leaves as tall as JaVale McGee but with a more natural feel for the game of basketball.
     Have you ever really wanted to do something new but then you were just like, "Fuggedaboutit ima watch the Yanks-Sox games with yous goombas"? Which one of the five boroughs do you hail from? Are you or have you ever been Al Pacino? Anyway, oversized apples aside, it feels good to throw off the shackles of reality every once in a while and take a deep plunge into the abyss. It can be fun to go down the rabbit hole, especially if you are a cruise magician. Donnie Darko is a movie about what happens when you go too far down a rabbit hole.
     You are having a grand ol' time. You are on top of the world, planting your flagpole on the summit of Mount Killinitjaro just outside of Cape No Fear and southeast of the Greatest Lakes. Suddenly you feel the cold sting of a pointy finger tapping on your bare, unencumbered shoulder. (You could probably use some cumbering.) 
"Ummm what do you think you are doing?"
     An incredulous lady with curly black hair and a pair of pink cat eyeglasses like a flapper would wear perched on the bridge of her nose as she resembles the world's most confident librarian. (When is the sequel to Bridge of Spies, Bridge of Nose coming out by the way? I heard Owen Wilson is going to star in it.) You stutter and stammer and blipper as you find your internal word GPS is on the fritz.
"I'm just having a fun time...Am I supposed to be doing something?"
"Could you put it away?" She says pointing in the general direction of your nether regions. (I hear the nether regions are lovely this time of year.)
"Put what away? Is it about the beach towel thing again because I swear that I asked Sheila and Sheila said that Sheila's..."
"That...that...that thing." She says, before gradually taking off her glasses to complete the nuding process, gasping and doing the sign of the cross.
"I thought we were all in on this...am I doing something wrong? Are you hiding behind the jukebox Ashton Kutcher? Where's the Punk'd camera crew? Is this one of those incredibly popular shows on TruTV that no one you know has ever watched?"
     She shakes her head and looks up to the heavens, pleading for mercy from a God who is without His (or Her) customary white bathrobe getup. Her agitation grows exponentially as your confusion multiplies with every naked moment.
"There are no electronics allowed in the resort - put away your iPhone!"
     In a moment you transform into a Hawaiian island as you erupt with an overwhelming fit of laughter. Immediately, the rest of the visitors at the nudist resort ascend into an episode of guffawing like they were watching an episode of The Simpsons from season three to ten. The weirdest day of your life just went from the worst day of your life to the best day of your life in a jiff. You can't wait to share the good news with your grandparents who have been proud members of a nudist resort since the 50s when no one had to worry about the threat of technology usurping our brain real estate and precious time that should be spent doing the Sunday crossword on a Ran-D-Boy on a beach towel, of course.

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