Halloween Candy Rankings

1. 100 Grand The chocolate bar of champions Actor comp: Jennifer Anniston NBA Team comp: Golden State Warriors Origin story on the wrapper: The 100 Grand recipe was stumbled upon by a German physicist who was attempting to find the cure for a broken heart after realizing he would never be immortalized in a wacky photograph with his tongue out like Albert Einstein also the whole E=MC squared thing was a pretty cool deal, too. 
2. Heath The chocolate bar of NFL tight ends Actor comp: Heath Ledger NBA Team comp: Los Angeles Lakers Origin story on the wrapper: The Heath recipe was unearthed after an tireless search by archaeologists adjacent to a Shake Shack on the outskirts of the Incan Empire but they took a few breaks to grab some Shack Burgers, of course, because how could they resist with those smells wafting over all day and tempting their palettes.
3. Milky Way The chocolate bar of choice for four out of five aliens Actor comp: Tom Cruise NBA Team comp: Miami Heat Origin story on the wrapper: The Milky Way recipe was found after being launched into orbit by Elon Musk and his meddling gang of hooligan scientists.
4. Starburst The fruity candy of choice for four out of five jedi knights Actor comp: Jennifer Lawrence NBA Team comp: Oklahoma City Thunder Origin story on the wrapper: The Starburst recipe was uncovered after a series of phone calls made by a local private eye, Richard Right Eye, who is, ironically, not related to Lisa Lefteye Lopes of TLC lore. (Did you know that the L in TLC actually stands for Lisa Lefteye Lopes?)
5. Snickers The chocolate bar of comedians Actor comp: Danny Trejo NBA Team comp: New York Knicks Origin story on the wrapper: The Snickers recipe was chanced upon by a band of train robbers who had to take a break and check out the buffet in the dinner car, only to discover a woven basket full to the brim of peanuts sitting surreptitiously close to a ladle-full of caramel and a spittoon-worth of chocolate syrup. 

6. Hot Tamales The cinnamon candy of senior citizens and mariachi band members Actor comp: Isla Fisher NBA Team comp: Miami Heat Origin story on the wrapper: The Hot Tamales recipe was uncovered by a Portland veterinarian on their fourth jog of the day in those toe-webbed shoes when they were running in place at a stop light and noticed it graffiti'd on a yield sign on the far side of the intersection.
7. Skittles The fruity snack of NFL running backs Actor comp: Kristen Bell NBA Team comp: Los Angeles Clippers Origin story on the wrapper: The Skittles recipe was tracked down by a runaway horse in a remake of Back to the Future III directed by Quentin Tarantino, completely decked out in spurs and everything the whole time because he's a method director.
8. Baby Ruth The chocolate bar of Ruth Baby Ginsburg Actor comp: Mila Kunis NBA Team comp: Phoenix Suns Origin story on the wrapper: The Baby Ruth recipe was brought to light when hot dogs were banned from Major League baseball locker rooms in 1930 in a highly controversial decision handed down by Kenesaw Mountain Landis in between hiking the length of the Appalachian trail, taking down wild buffalo with a bow and arrow just outside of Yellowstone Park and deep sea spear fishing for blue marlin in Ibiza. (Weird Al should do a parody of Mike Posner's, "I Took A Pill In Ibiza" and call it "I Straight Up Spear Fished A Blue Marlin In Ibiza". Instead of, "To show Avicii I was cool", it would be, "To show Bear Grylls I was cool.")
9. Kit Kat The chocolate bar of people with a friend or the patience to save half a meal til after supper Actor comp: Kat Dennings NBA Team comp: Philadelphia 76ers Origin story on the wrapper: The Kit Kat recipe was revealed after Gordon Ramsay cursed out a dude in a Willy Wonka getup on Hollywood Boulevard and the dude just handed him a folded up note card, threw a handful of cayenne pepper in the air and disappeared, making the TV chef question if his imagination had spilled over into the real world.
10. Smarties The candy of Lil Pump fans Actor comp: Matt Damon (specifically his character from Good Will Hunting) NBA Team comp: Boston Celtics Origin story on the wrapper: The Smarties recipe was exposed when 60 Minutes did a special that was directed by the Executive Producer's elementary school-aged children. The second half of the episode was primarily dedicated to a drifter who was locked into an eight day hunger strike to bring the Netflix binging epidemic in America to a screeching standstill, only to snap said streak when a malevolent mischief maker recognized their chance to shine in the poor sport spotlight and dropped a palm-full of birdseed in the lost soul's agape mouth after they cartwheeled into a deep, hunger-induced stupor. The valiant effort at a hunger strike made no more than a minor dinger in the Netflix binging epidemic in America as several million foolhardy Fresh Prince fans would go on to Netflix and Chill that night and for the rest of the nights. 

784. Candy Corn The candy of the Field of Dreams concession stand Actor comp: Kevin Costner NBA Team comp: Minnesota Timberwolves Origin story on the wrapper: The Candy Corn recipe was happened upon when a farmer from Iowa tried to eat a husk of corn from his field and had the brilliant idea of creating something that has nothing to do with it but bears its name.  

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Halloween Costumes From The Grave

Ghost of a one night stand For a spookier time, pick out a fun cat sweater from the Nordstrom Rack

Craziest cat lady For a grand ol' night, sleep with a stranger then don't reply to their texts and possibly report them to the social media authorities for stalking your life 

WiFi witch For an eerier day than a Great Lake, go to Starbucks for three and a half hours to use their internet and just buy a pack of Winterfresh gum

Pumpkin pie with a slice of Gruyere cheese For an alarmingly weird holiday, make it a gourd pie but don't tell anyone, it will be our little secret like the time you forgot to hide the eggs for your family on Easter so you took them to Disney Land and now it's an Easter tradition, wait a minute it's not really anything like that but still that's a great Easter tradition, we should do more of those. Why do people do egg hunts? That would be like hiding the turkey in the rumpus room under the billiards table on Thanksgiving morning then before you know it Uncle Dan has had one too many bloody mary's and he's going off about his ex again, Cheryl, and how she took the jet skis in the divorce, it could have been anything but the jet skis, Dan would have given her his appendix for the gosh dang jet skis. Sure, he got to keep the dart boards from the set of Road House but she hawked the double A battery supply. 

Gremlin fan club member For a petrifying fright night, make it a Gremlins 2 fan club member

Phoebe Cates's dad in Gremlins who dressed up as Santa Claus and fell when going down the chimney and slipped and broke his neck and died and that's how Phoebe Cates's character in Gremlins found out that there is no Santa Claus which is probably the worst way to find out that there is no Santa Claus other than waking up to see Santa Claus actually watching you sleep like the song For sinister handful of hours, make it Krampus 

Declawed Freddy Krueger For a 5 o'clock shadow-chilling experience, carry around a giant cat post in your see-through backpack 

Freddy Kroger (holding a sack of Red Delizioso apples and wearing an apron and smiling real big) For a wicked happening, make it Freddy Costco and dish out pocketfuls of free samples to unsuspecting passersby 

Rasta Tony Hawk (he was the first to ever achieve a 900 at the Expat Games) For a creepy occasion, make it Russian Shaun White and carry around a handle of Flying Tomato-flavored vodka 

John Cusack holding an iPod Nano above his head that is playing The Wallflowers because if The Wallflowers was an actor it would be John Cusack and Joan Cusack would be Joan Jett obviously because she loves Rock and Roll For a wonky function, do this outside the local Apple store and scare away the customers 

Lightning bolt on Harry Potter’s forehead For an extra spine chilling night, combine it with Rasta Tony Hawk, throw a pair of sprinter spikes on and then take them off and run around the track barefoot while auditioning for Jamaican Idol with a rendering of Red Red Wine by UB40 before having one of your teammates dump a Gatorade cooler of red wine on you in celebration while your trainer stews in the background because he forgot the Tide To Go at the team condo 

Uber driver For a spirited gambit, make it a UB40 driver

One of Johnny Depp’s scarves For a horrifyingly ghoulish monster bash, add a parrot to your shoulder and a bottle of rum to your ocean

Grim Reaper bobblehead For a mohawk-raising affair, make it a free giveaway at your local college's homecoming game

Haunted housekeeper For a shocking series of events, cook up a fresh Ghoul Apron meal

Fingertip of chef For an unnerving occurrence, throw a pinky ring in there  

Soot angel For a startling situation, fall down the chimney and slip and break your neck and that's how your daughter finds out there are no soot angels 

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

A Scary Story pt. 3

     The foundation of the haunted house began to twerk back and forth intensely, K.O.'ing Cindy and Chad, sending them to the mat and making them begin to question their decision to go trick or treating that year. Or maybe Cindy should have dressed up as the Geico Lizard and Chad could have been Mayhem or J.K. Simmons (and no I'm not joking, Mr. Simmons, if that is your real name.) Chad nearly soiled his beltless trousers while Cindy's apron almost did the first 900 ever (it should have been at the X Games, the flying Tomato would have been like, "Whattttt?! That was gnarly, dude, let's go shred some nards.) 

"You have made a grave mistake today, my friends. You should have never knocked on this door at this hour on this particular day of the calendar year. Out of all 365 days, 366 if this was a leap year but it's not but I'm just saying, you know, don't make a federal case out of it, seriously though, I have several outstanding warrants, whatever you do don't call the feds, for the love of Larry Bird (Basketball Jesus, duh), don't alert the feds! Alas, out of all of the days, why would you choose the one that is most likely to get you trapped in a Ghostbusters scenario except you will be wishing you had a giant leaf blower strapped to your back otherwise known as a proton gun even though it's more fun to call it a giant leaf blower and pretend you are Paul Bunyan but he's a gardener instead of a lumberjack? Anyway, hell is coming for you two, hell is gonna freeze over, y'all better run like hell, all that good hell stuff for this spooky holiday, my blood curdled friends, you have made a very unwise choice today." (Weird thought, there should be a sport called blood curdling like curling except instead of a huge stone you use the severed head of a zombie from World War Z and Brad Pitt is the judge; I don't even know if curling has judges but I just wanted Brad Pitt to get in on the ground floor of the sport so he can add it to his headstone. It will read, "Actor, auteur, artiste, husband, ex husband, father to many adopted children, in on ground floor of the sport blood curdling, Zumba instructor, avid boogie boarder") 

     The old black and white photographs came tumbling to the hardwood in one fell swoop, clashing on the ground and shredding into A Million Little Things, the new Office Space (well at least it has the dude from Office Space, you gotta give me that much. It's a holiday, lighten up, go have a Kit Kat. What if that was Kit Kat's slogan, "Hey, lighten up and go have a Kit Kat, ya goomba." Also in this universe, the big heads at Kit Kat run the Italian mafia which is probably true, haven't you ever had a spaghetti flavored Kit Kat? Bon Appetit! That would be a jaw dropping entry on Shark Food Tank or as I like to call it, Human Tank. Could you imagine the food enthusiast doppelganger of Mark Cuban being like, 'Do you have any red sauce that I can dip this in? I think I need some feta to mix it up. I'll offer you a Subway gift card that I got from my cousin for St. Patrick's Day, a Sports Illustrated magazine from 2007 and whatever I got left in the change drawer in my Honda for 77 percent of the ownership stake in, what did you call it? Kit KatOs...what a terrible, terrible name. It's probably safe to say that you can chalk this one up to a loss... I love your show, Jersey Shore, though. Pauly D needs a haircut, you heard it hear first! Where did Sammi Sweetheart go? Free The Situation.'")

     Speaking of the old black and white photographs, something weird happened with them...you guessed it, it's a Night At The Museum situation; they came to life! The old boss from American Gothic came slicing through the air at Chad like a spider monkey and his wife threw a pitcher of milk all over his new salmon-colored Abercrombie and Fitch polo, rendering it basically unwearable for the next big ice cream social in the quad, freshly extracted from her fleet of boss cows. Then she threw a handful of dirt from the Field of Dreams field in Cindy's eyes (don't ask how that old couple came across a handful of dirt from the Field of Dreams field even though that painting is from the Great Depression era (allow this brief tangent...maybe part of why everyone was so depressed during the Great Depression has something to do with the American Gothic painting, like have you really stared into those cold pairs of eyes before? Those devil incarnates stare lasers through polite art museum goers causing their hands to quiver, brochure maps to crinkle and Greek coffee cups to spill on that velvet rope and stain it, then the museum curator comes over and whisper yells at you and you are embarrassed in front of the caravan of senior citizens who are paying the establishment a visit on Senior Citizen Skip Day, which happens to land on Halloween, their favorite day of the calendar year. 

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Trader Joe's Halloween Sales

Gummy worms except one of them is a real worm and you have to find it like finding a needle in a haunted haystack
Rent-A-Black Cat
Kit Black Cat
Witch Swiffer
Cream of shroom soup
100 Grand (Pianos Falling On You) Bar
Butterpinkyfinger
Crunch *sound of your bones*
Chia Pet of Sideshow Bob
Pumpkin pie that has been backed over by a UPS truck
Pumpkin dye: Spruce up your boring white undershirt and be the coolest trick or treater in the cul-de-sac
Pumpkin die: An unhealthy alternative to pumpkin pie, recommended by 1 out of 99 ghosts of former doctors
Pumpkin lie: Did you eat all the pumpkin pie? Pick up a six pack of pumpkin lie and sprinkle it on your family in their sleep and it will have the same effect as the neuralyzer in Men In Black except you won't be bungee jumping out of a helicopter over the Grand Canyon anytime soon unless you have a show on the Travel Channel
Jack and Jill-O-Lantern: Remember that instant classic Adam Sandler movie?...Yeah, me neither...
Hard Candy Corn: The worst invention of all time but it disappears faster than hot cakes in your local old folks home

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

A Scary Story pt. 2

*Kaboom!* (The sound effect, not the sequel to Kazaam starring Bryant "Big Country" Reeves and his entourage of minions who look like the size of the minions from Despicable Me standing next to him; they barely make it halfway up his jorts.) 

"Hello, Cindy and Chad."

     The walls of the haunted house vibrate, shaking handfuls of cobwebs from the ceiling and sending them canon balling to safety, mini Tom Cruises in their mission to do the impossible; be the greatest action movie star of all time while maintaining a healthy glow thanks to modern alien science practices. (Tom Cruise has a voodoo doll of himself that he will often pinch just to make sure that he's not dreaming and won't wake up in the backseat of a 1978 Chevelle in his high school parking lot with a killer hangover, his chemistry notes scribbled on the inside of his water bottle in red Sharpie and the theme song to Happy Days playing in his soul on a loop.) Old black and white photographs including American Gothic (the one with the couple of old people with a pitchfork on a farm that looks like they just used it to stave off an invasion of zombies trying to get to the laundry hampers in the attic of their barn full of brains that came from all the people who unknowingly wandered onto their property, trespassing on their way of life and impinging on their afternoon. Other items found in the same attic of their barn include a canteen from the Vietnam War with the autograph of Uncle Sam (or perhaps it is just a masterfully forged piece of work perpetrated by some bloody Canuck with a wicked sense of humor and a penchant for penmanship), a pair of pumpkin pie-patterned socks that hasn't seen the light of day since the Reagan administration (when fun, colorful socks like these were shunned by society, leaving their wearers to forge for flip flops and other alternative footwear options in the miserably unhip pre-Croc generation) and a Hacky sack that was brutally confiscated from a hippie (via pitchfork, of course) who was frolicking in the quad of the local junior college as the couple took their weekly stroll through campus to patch up their collective constitution.) 

"Whattttt? Who is it?! How do you know our names? Stop stalking our lives! Show yourself!"

     Chad shouted out at the structure, leaping in front of the metaphorical bullet that was being hurled at his lady and raising his fist to the heavens to signify that he will take up arms if need be (his own two arms, that is.) His ankles trembled in his boat shoes, though, while he tried his darndest to stand up to a metaphysical ghoul because you can't just let a metaphysical ghoul walk all over you, then they will think they can just up and take your soul to Trader Joe's whenever they feel like it because metaphysical ghouls like riding in the carpool lane and assorted cashews that are coated in yogurt, macadamia and the shreds of the remains of their ancestors. Also, for the always intriguing Halloween sales; it's half off the heads of headless horsemen now until the end of eternity!) 

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Haunted Movies

You, Me and What's Left of Dupree
Anchoredman: The Legend of Ron Boogurdy
Back to the Future Where Robots Have Taken Over AKA Back to the Singularity
Rainboogeyman
Mission Invisible
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Headstone
Harry Potter and the Cauldron of Secrets
Harry Potter and Prisoner of Alcatraz
Harry Potter and the Goblin of Fire
Harry Potter and the Postmates Order With A Bite Out Of Your French Dip of the Phoenix Suns Gorilla
Harry Potter and the Completely Bloody Prince
Harry Potter and the Deathlier Hallows
Get Out, Yous Dastardly Spirits
Winter's Skeleton Bone
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid Love
Opposite of Joy
Friday the 13th (a spin on the movie, Friday)
La Laaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh Land
Castaway Forever, Like There Aren't Any Ships Coming Your Way So You Gonna Be Stuck On That Island For A While, Better Start Building A Sandcastle Lighthouse
American Hustle Away From Those Zombies
ZombieSixFlags

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

A Scary Story pt. 1

*Clank, rattle, knock* (Don't get too excited it's not the knockoff version of Rice Krispies, Corn Huskies)

"Who goes there?" 

     A booming voice echoes from behind the large wooden door. You are probably too old to be trick or treating but who's counting anymore anyway? You are dressed up as the Trivago Guy, without a belt, slightly razzled and looking like you just woke up in the dirt parking lot of a Dave Matthews concert in a Mercedes-Benz minibus with a trail of Trail Mix on your chest which has recently been waxed, while your girlfriend is aproned up and rocking the Flo From Progressive outfit. She quoted a nice couple that got into a minor fender bender on your walk over to the house. You two were so proud of your creativity in designing your costumes that you entered a local costume contest and promptly lost to some folks who were dressed up as the original American Idol judges. When you asked them where their Ryan Seacrest was, they were baffled by the question. When you reiterated that Ryan Seacrest should be a part of their group if they are going to represent the original American Idol, Paula flung a cup of Coca Cola in your general direction, Simon told you that if he ever met a genie that granted him three wishes, one would be for world peace and the other two would be in regards to you never being born and Randy said, "Sorry for my friends, dawg, if it makes you feel any better we're not really friends."

"Uhhh....trick or treat?" 

     All of a sudden, the massive slab of timber slowly creaked backwards, revealing a truly haunted house. I don't mean a regular house that your mom decorated with little toy spiders in the living room, pumpkins in the front yard and the ghost of your old neighbor, Ted, haunting the garage. I mean this was a friggin' haunted house, no other way to say it. This house was more haunted than the haunted mansion from that Eddie Murphy movie that was one of my favorite movies growing up and I would still probably love it because I have awesome taste (well, I like the things I like at least but I bet you would like it too. Watch it this Halloween night and start a new tradition that includes egging your annoying neighbors barn and forking their front yard!), The Haunted Mansion. This house was more haunted than Eddie Murphy's acting career since The Haunted Mansion was released. You and your girlfriend poke your heads through the open door and peer into the house at the pace of a tortoise and not the tortoise that beat the hare in the 100 meters at the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin while Hitler watched on, that must have been the fastest tortoise of all time (I may be getting my fables mixed up with reality, excuse me while I kiss the sky. I bet Tom Cruise calls it kissing the sky whenever he goes skydiving which is at least once every fortnight.) Think on it more like the tortoise from that kid who was like, "I like turtles" because that kid is a legend. Could you imagine the swag that kid must be walking around the playground with? He's probably like, "I'm not going to play Four square, I'll be the Simon Cowell of this lil shindig. Now dance for me."  

"Who goes there?"

     The same voice reverberates throughout the incredibly haunted house once again, this time even louder and more booming than last time. It actually sounds a little bit like Boomer, the former ESPN personality, now that you mention it. "That ghost is going back, back, back...back in time to haunt their family that didn't lend them the Winnebago to drive to Burning Man that one summer." Halloween is Chris Berman's favorite day of the year. Why? He just loves candy corn, that's all. One time he said to no one in particular, just talking to himself like he is wont to do, while waiting for the bus in Bristol, Connecticut, "If I went to Nebraska, I would rename the mascot the Candy Cornhuskers." Stan Verrett, who was also waiting for the ESPN shuttle but hiding behind one of those giant ESPN The Magazine covers that happened to have a picture of his face on it for good measure, broke the sad news to Boomer when he said, "Boom, just because you attend a university doesn't mean that you are allowed to rename their mascot. Sorry, Boom, shucks, I know how much you love candy corn, we all do. You just got to let it go, Boom, like dust in the wind right?" Then Boomer was like, "Dust in the Wind? That's Kansas, not Nebraska, Stan." Then Stan was like, "That's the Boom I know." And they fist bumped and a baby who will someday play football but probably not the same football because the rules will be changed to make the sport nearly unrecognizable compared to its present day form was born. 

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Seahawks Game 2nd Half Haikus

Pushed outta end zone

A weird rule, Pete ain’t happy

Almost swallowed gum 

Tonight Show, Carson

Man in denim in waiting 

Buttons everywhere 

Kerryon, the Fun song

Imagine Nate Ruess, football

Musical chairs drill 

Marvin, a great name

Makes sense that he’s a junior

Dad loves his name too 

My name is Marvin

Love to introduce myself 

Hi Mister Cashier 

Gronk Tide commercial

Get out those pesky dirt stains 

Keep horsing around

Gronk Tide commercial

Spill Fireball on your SnapBack?

Stop fretting, Bro-ham 

Gronk Tide commercial 

Wrestle with your Rottweiler 

Real World audition 

Gronk Tide commercial 

Wedding Crashers backyard game

Chowder and football

Gronk Tide commercial 

Don’t let Tom see you dirty

Tom gonna get mad 

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Seahawks Game 1st Half Haikus

Way to use your head

Moore money and Moore problems

Russell Athletic 

Motor City game

Tailgate party since Tuesday

Fresh tire shreds on field 

Motor City game

D (Carry the) Rock City

A Mo Town showdown

Verlander watching

Former city, showing love 

Grudge against wife swap

Replacing Beast Mode

Replace Thanksgiving turkey

Spam and Ritz crackers

Replacing Beast Mode

M & Ms in locker room 

Layaway Skittles

Replacing Beast Mode

Who’s gonna cause earthquakes now?

Steve Poole is so pissed 

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

College Football Haikus

Middle Tennessee 

Old Dominion, recipe

For a country song

The Syracuse Orange 

Cleveland Browns of college ball

Jersey Shore fav team

Tar Heels and the Cavs

More like a basketball game

Coach Bennett soundtrack 

Cal Berkeley party

Please bring your own Hacky sack 

Free range roosters roam

Cal Berkeley party

Who spiked the kale health smoothie?

I’m looking at Cale

Cal Berkeley party 

Nice botanical garden 

We’re horticultured

Cal Berkeley party

Elizabeth Berkley there

Insta-hologram 

Cal Berkeley party

Too many clowns in kitchen 

Organic only

Cal Berkeley party 

Never heard so much Reggae

Never will again 

Cal Berkeley party 

Huge cardigan collection 

Make hipster Seth seethe 

The Cougs got the win

Defeated those dang eggheads 

Take that ex-Harbaughs 

Gardner Minshew Two

He looks like a villain dude

In a Sandler film

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

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44 Questions About This Florida State Fan

Is he a professor, student or alumnus?

What class does he teach or what is his major?

Has he ever passed out in a botanical garden on campus?

Does he refer to himself in the third person?

What's the farthest distance he has ever driven an ATV?

Is this his golfing attire?

Has he ever yelled at a hand dryer?

Has he ever gone all Ryan Lochte on a hand dryer?

How many times has he dressed up as Uncle Sam for Halloween?

Is he always that guy in the neighborhood with a fake chain saw on Halloween and he runs around scaring all the trick or treaters except with him it's a real chain saw but he just neglects to tell anyone?

How many dogs over a hundred pounds does he have?

How many hunting dogs does he have?

How much does he love Joe Rogan?

How much does he hate it when Joe Rogan talks about hippie stuff and MMA stuff and veers from hunting stuff?

How much does he hate cats?

How much does he root for Odie to someday defeat Garfield in a battle of wits?

Does he watch the show Cops?

Does he have the show Cops on season pass on TiVo?

Does he have a TiVo?

Has he been on the show Cops?

Is he the inspiration for the show Cops?

Is he southern Peter Griffin?

How many gas stations in town is he a regular at?

What percent of the gas stations in town does he know their current gas price?

At what point in the game did he take his shirt off?

Was it out of protest or is the weather just too sultry?

It must be pretty clammy in Tallahassee in late October, right?

What is his view about the Florida State mascot?

Did he do the Tomahawk chop at his wedding?

Has he stolen crab legs from Publix? 

How much of that facial hair has he grown since the game started?

When did his hair go grey?

Was it from stress from being a Florida State fan?

Did Bert Kreischer fall into that time machine from the Doritos Super Bowl commercial?

What book is he reading?

Is he an avid reader?

Did he bring the book or did someone just leave it on their seat and forget to ever come back for it after they went to get beers then they just left because the game was such a blowout?

Is he actually reading that book or just pretending to, like he's demonstrating how boring the game is by doing that?

Is this performance art?

Is he just some dude from Hollywood doing research for an upcoming HBO show?

Why isn't he wearing sunglasses?

Did he forget his sunglasses at home, lose them at the game or does he just have an unreasonable grudge with Oakley's after he thought they stole one of his ideas for a design? 

Did Wolverine get hooked on good times?

Did Burt Reynolds fake his death?

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Bertcast Haikus

Man Cave hibernate

He’s addicted to Tito’s 

And taking shirt off 

A man with chickens

Small skeletons in closet

Don’t mess with that dude

Tall building owners 

Give us a call if you want

Roof bungee jumper 

Roller coaster life

Some are bumpy, others smooth

Hope for no vomit 

The Machine opus

Robbing trains, glugging vodka 

A smile on his face

Bert is The Machine

Florida kid, born and raised

Different species

Florida people

No offense but you crazy 

For real, no offense 

Stand your ground Tampa

Everyone is packing heat

De Niro classic 

Welcome to Tampa

Pirate ships and football mix 

Five drink minimum 

Call him Chicken Run

Live action remake with Bert

The friendliest farm

OK Go treadmills

Would love to see Bert remake

While drinking wine 

Wears a sauna suit 

Spinoff Men’s Wearhouse owner

Build sweat equity 

Body Shots World Tour

Non stop party on the bus 
Banned from the green room

His tabs are open

Sharing Google history

Starring in Shameless

Bucket list phenom
Leaping off cliffs, hunting bats
Bertman, not Batman

Bloated stomach, check
Balding hair since twenties, check
Doesn't care, check please

Always secret time
Name of his Netflix special
Spin on the bro code

Mickey Mantle gene

Thinks he can do anything 
Got superhero swag 

Sober Octobert 

Month to cleanse body and mind
Real Day of the Dead

Weight fluctuation

Calorie seismometer

He’s The Machine-ist 

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

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Nudist Resort pt. 1

     You aren't typically a risky person but then one day you tell yourself things are going to change. Why? Maybe you caught a particularly inspirational episode of Oprah where she gave a mime the courage to speak. Maybe you ordered one of Starbucks's signature, seasonal frappes and it through your taste buds for a loopity loop, taking them on a Vacation-style jaunt across your pallet in a Family Truckster with a huge ceremonial coffee bean on top. Maybe you just swan dived into a pile of leaves as tall as JaVale McGee but with a more natural feel for the game of basketball.
     Have you ever really wanted to do something new but then you were just like, "Fuggedaboutit ima watch the Yanks-Sox games with yous goombas"? Which one of the five boroughs do you hail from? Are you or have you ever been Al Pacino? Anyway, oversized apples aside, it feels good to throw off the shackles of reality every once in a while and take a deep plunge into the abyss. It can be fun to go down the rabbit hole, especially if you are a cruise magician. Donnie Darko is a movie about what happens when you go too far down a rabbit hole.
     You are having a grand ol' time. You are on top of the world, planting your flagpole on the summit of Mount Killinitjaro just outside of Cape No Fear and southeast of the Greatest Lakes. Suddenly you feel the cold sting of a pointy finger tapping on your bare, unencumbered shoulder. (You could probably use some cumbering.) 
"Ummm what do you think you are doing?"
     An incredulous lady with curly black hair and a pair of pink cat eyeglasses like a flapper would wear perched on the bridge of her nose as she resembles the world's most confident librarian. (When is the sequel to Bridge of Spies, Bridge of Nose coming out by the way? I heard Owen Wilson is going to star in it.) You stutter and stammer and blipper as you find your internal word GPS is on the fritz.
"I'm just having a fun time...Am I supposed to be doing something?"
"Could you put it away?" She says pointing in the general direction of your nether regions. (I hear the nether regions are lovely this time of year.)
"Put what away? Is it about the beach towel thing again because I swear that I asked Sheila and Sheila said that Sheila's..."
"That...that...that thing." She says, before gradually taking off her glasses to complete the nuding process, gasping and doing the sign of the cross.
"I thought we were all in on this...am I doing something wrong? Are you hiding behind the jukebox Ashton Kutcher? Where's the Punk'd camera crew? Is this one of those incredibly popular shows on TruTV that no one you know has ever watched?"
     She shakes her head and looks up to the heavens, pleading for mercy from a God who is without His (or Her) customary white bathrobe getup. Her agitation grows exponentially as your confusion multiplies with every naked moment.
"There are no electronics allowed in the resort - put away your iPhone!"
     In a moment you transform into a Hawaiian island as you erupt with an overwhelming fit of laughter. Immediately, the rest of the visitors at the nudist resort ascend into an episode of guffawing like they were watching an episode of The Simpsons from season three to ten. The weirdest day of your life just went from the worst day of your life to the best day of your life in a jiff. You can't wait to share the good news with your grandparents who have been proud members of a nudist resort since the 50s when no one had to worry about the threat of technology usurping our brain real estate and precious time that should be spent doing the Sunday crossword on a Ran-D-Boy on a beach towel, of course.

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com