Haikus of the Day

Social media 

A gift and a curse, friend and foe

Tag me in that post

When the new iPhone

Is released this next season

The mobs will descend

Writing poetry 

Can be difficult sometimes

Already over

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Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

A Day in the Life: Baby Backpack Dad

3:42 am: Kicked by wife.
3:44 am: Elbowed by wife like Dennis Rodman (not in regards to international affairs, in regards to rebounding in the paint affairs).
3:47 am: Slapped in the face by wife.
3:48 am: Attend to crying baby.
3:49 am: Check Twitter and all four fantasy football lineups (someone is obviously in need of a lot of distraction).
3:50 am: Realize baby has pooped on cell phone.
3:51 am: Clean cell phone with sanitize wipes.
3:53 am: Coddle baby back to sleep and make sure the baby monitor is in the right place and fully stocked with AAA Energizer bunny batteries.
3:54 am: Return to the wrath of the angry wife.
5:18 am: Awoken by radio alarm playing Hotel California by The Eagles and dream of being alone in a hotel in California, getting room service delivered, watching college football and taking breaks at half times to head down to the steam room to burn off some of that nine layer dip and Sour and Cream Onion Lay's.
5:20 am: Check on sleeping baby.
5:21 am: Accidentally wake up sleeping baby.
5:22 am: Lambasted by wife for waking up sleeping baby.
5:24 am: Make pancakes and bacon with orange juice for breakfast while listening to Juice WRLD's latest hit.
5:32 am: Go outside to get the newspaper.
5:32 am: Hit in the face by the newspaper, thrown by a lady in a red Toyota Camry.
5:33 am: Realize he has locked himself outside and the spare key that is usually hidden under the rock by the door is nowhere to be found.
5:34 am: Quietly knock on front door.
5:35 am: Chewed out by upset wife as she holds the crying baby in her Baby Bjorn (Baby Bjorn Mom is a lot different than Baby Backpack Dad although when they bring their superpowers together they can clear an entire PTA meeting).
5:40 am: Enjoy pancakes and bacon with orange juice while catching up on college football news in the sports page.
5:55 am: Told by wife that they are going to the zoo that day.
5:58 am: Take an ice cold shower while listening to NPR in the shower radio which he purchased from an infomercial hosted by a disciple of the Billy Mays infomercial hosting coaching tree.
6:08 am: Feed baby apple sauce and blueberry yogurt.
6:11 am: Yelled at by wife for feeding baby apple sauce and blueberry yogurt.
6:24 am: Play with the baby in their rattle toy cage.
6:53 am: Watch the new season of Narcos while gently holding the baby.
7:17 am: Told by wife that they are leaving to the zoo so take the baby seat and baby out to the car.
7:46 am: Make a stop at Starbucks and bring the baby inside with the baby backpack because he has a name to live up to.
7:58 am: Ask for a venti iced coffee with light ice.
8:01 am: Receive a venti iced coffee with more ice than a Coca Cola served in an igloo.
8:03 am: Ask for venti iced coffee with more ice than a Coca Cola served in an igloo to be topped off after drinking approximately seven and a half ounces of liquid.
8:20 am: Go to Whole Foods with the baby in the baby backpack because he doesn't want to let his fans down.
8:25 am: Feel power of baby backpack as he peruses organic chocolate kiwi and bran muffin tops.
8:40 am: Asked by an old lady if he has been working out or eating lots of fruits and vegetables or tanning or what is giving him that illuminated glow!
8:41 am: Tell the old lady that he has just been walking around with a baby backpack everyday and reaping the benefits.
9:13 am: Arrive at zoo, sip iced coffee.
9:21 am: Wait in line while being admired by single women for being a responsible father with a baby backpack.
9:37 am: Take a picture of giraffe babies, look for backpacks on the adult ones.
9:49 am: Buy the baby a sunhat with a picture of a penguin so his little face doesn't get scorched by the sun.
10:19 am: Observe the gorillas standing with their backs directly in front of the window, obscuring the view of zoo visitors.
10:31 am: Go inside the nighttime bugs exhibit.
10:35 am: Console the crying baby who's afraid of the dark and spiders as well.
10:47 am: Sit on a bench by the jaguars (a retirement community brought their nice cars to the zoo that day).
10:58 am: Read about the history of hippos and get informed.
11:01 am: Text his adult friend (and nemesis) who doesn't have kids, leader of the Battalion of Chill Bros, with the superpowers of free time, going out to dinner on a whim and staying up to date with his streaks every single day in ESPN's Streak For Cash.
11:10 am: Do that half turn move that dads with babies in their baby backpacks do to make sure the baby is still breathing.
11:10 am: Check baby's pulse.
11:11 am: The baby was just sleeping.
11:11 am: Sigh in relief.
11:19 am: Check ESPN and fantasy football lineups.
11:20 am: Curse Eli Manning and his "Aw, shucks"-lookin' face.
11:46 am: Feed the baby pudding while the wife is in the bathroom.
12:20 pm: Hop and scurry thru bird exhibit.
12:21 pm: Put hand on left shoulder to feel a pile of Macaw excrement.
12:22 pm: Get reminded to buy tickets to see Macaw Excrement play Coachella next year.
12:23 pm: Find out that Macaw Excrement has changed their name to Feces of the Same Feather
1:12 pm: Walk by the grizzly bears and roar at them for the baby's entertainment.
1:41 pm: Finally leave the zoo and walk to get ice cream.
2:22 pm: Feed rocky road ice cream and rainbow sherbet to the baby over the shoulder when the wife is texting her mom.
3:13 pm: Get back from the zoo and collapse on the couch in exhaustion (after taking the baby out of the baby backpack, of course).
3:29 pm: Go back to watching the new season of Narcos while the baby sleeps on his chest.
4:26 pm: Doze off to a cacophony of Mexican drug lords bludgeoning each other as they joust with shanks made of mustache brushes.

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Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

The Real Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard have a Dinosaur Wrangler's Dozen of archaic babies which is somewhere between eight and fourteen. Bryce Dallas Howard has a Fabletics collection that consists of primarily hiking books, watches with GPS, side fanny packs and shark tooth necklaces, ironically. Chris Pratt has a Travel Show called, "Fossil Fuel: An Archaeologist's Passion" with a working title of, "Bones to Pick". The lead bad guy used to work for Enron. The lead bad guy is a New York Yankees fan from the 90s. The lead bad guy's favorite character from South Park is Cartman. The lead bad guy wants to start a BIG 3 team with you and Bruce Bowen except you don't want to play with them because you know you won't be passed the ball and could catch a few flat tires from the former Spur also you will have to go to Big Five (official sponsor of the tournament, obviously a tremendous marketing opportunity. Don Draper just Rolexed over in his grave.) to pick up some shin guards. The lead bad guy used to be one of Fat Tony's henchman. The lead bad guy drives a gas guzzling pick up truck with a Hemi. The lead bad guy's favorite sport is soccer or futbol as he calls it, "The World's Sport". The lead bad guy stole your parking spot at the movie theater. The lead bad guy takes too many free samples at Costco. The lead bad guy waits in line for the newest iPhone. The lead bad guy doesn't wipe off the yoga foam roller at the gym after he lays on it when he is super sweaty and gets it all gross. The lead bad guy burns more calories than you by doing nothing. The lead bad guy doesn't understand the significant addition of a good throw pillow can make to a couch. The lead bad guy doesn't understand personal boundaries. The lead bad guy is not good at reading body language. The lead bad guy goes to the farmer market and doesn't even say hello to anyone. The lead bad guy is basically April's father from Parks and Rec. The lead bad guy makes fun of Jerry too much, even for Pawnee. The lead bad guy also lives in a ditch in the ground near his ex-girlfriend's house. The lead bad guy has a band and he wants you to listen to their demo tape; like he won't stop telling you about it until you finally just say that you will check it out even though you know the truth in your back of your mind is that you will avoid it for the rest of your life. The lead bad guy tips like a Millenial. The lead bad guy texts you even when you are under the same roof. The lead bad guy doesn't like eye contact or sharing feelings or respecting you as a human being. The lead bad guy makes Darth Vader look like a John Candy character (Uncle Buck would be twelve times better if John Candy was wearing a mask with a vacuum in it or whatever sorcery which he who shall not be named has concocted; wait, wrong evil guy in a massive Hollywood franchise. Seriously though, when is the Star Wars and Harry Potter crossover universe going to be unleashed upon the world's unsuspecting head? Who doesn't want to see Han Solo get super upset about an offsides call in Quidditch and straight up crack his broomstick in half like Mark McGwire in the days following a steroid cycle? Who doesn't want to see Coach Yoda calmly declaring aphorisms from the sideline throughout the match such as, "Be the broom", "The Golden Snitch will follow your heart if your heart is true the Golden Snitch will be true to you" and "Mmm, above average the stick skills of a young Ronald Weasley are".) The lead bad guy never knows what he wants to order when he gets to the cash register at Starbucks even if the line is like eight people deep, don't you just get the same thing every time? The lead bad guy doesn't fast forward through the commercials when he is watching shows on TiVo which is pretty mind boggling. The lead bad guy has never finished a game of Monopoly but he always makes sure that he gets Boardwalk first. The lead bad guy had a heated debate with his neighbor over the ownership of their shared driveway until one day he buried his neighbor under their shared driveway while he was camping in his backyard with his family. The lead bad guy likes to tell you about the diet he is on. The lead bad guy listens to too many podcasts. The lead bad guy drives a Vespa. The lead bad guy is a bizarro Jason Statham. The lead bad guy has never seen Seinfeld and enjoys sharing this fact with everyone especially people who are huge fans of Seinfeld. The lead bad guy doesn't see what is such a big deal. The lead bad guy signed up to be a Big Brother but never showed up and left the kid stranded at a mini golf course in Tarzana. The lead bad guy is Johnny Fairplay's cousin. The lead bad guy is Jeff Probst's stylist and he is just messing with him by filling his closet with cargo shorts and those shirts that you picture when you think of Jeff Probst (Jeff Probst definitely wears one of those shirts and a mesh ball cap when he is running on the treadmill at the gym. Is Jeff Probst the founder of the clothing brand Life is Good? I'm just going to assume that he is and begin bringing it up as a topic of conversation at dinner parties. People will be talking about politics and I will be like, "So you guys don't think life is too good right now...But do you know who always does?" Then I will throw a teal smoke bomb on the ground and disappear into the coat rack like Homer Simpson becoming one with those hedges and everyone will be like, "Does anyone know that guy? How did he get on the guest list? Clive!" And Clive will slowly gaze up from his game of Solitaire in the butler's chambers with a look of disgust and despair sprawled across his mug as if every move he has to make is a tiny butter knife being jabbed into the top of his foot. Then Clive will straighten up his posture, clear his throat and put his game face on because these cocktail wienies aren't going to be turned down by most of the partygoers by themselves, gosh darn it! Clive's least favorite clothing company is Life is Good. Clive's eyes are deader than a house cat that just woke up from a daylong nap. Clive's eyes are less alive than Washington State University's summer orientation session. Clive would hoist himself by his own butcher knife if not for his hope of a Star Wars and Harry Potter crossover universe, a dying wish that gets up out of his bunk bed from the Titanic located next to the kitchen each and every morning, visions of Luke Skywalker with a lightning bolt scar across his forehead dancing around the bonfire that is a night of Clive's dreams which are mostly horrible nightmares in which he forgets to ask a wealthy guest if they would like a drink and one of their cohorts pours an entire Moscow Mule on his head and they all laugh until their monocles fall into their duck soup, prepared in honor of the Chinese foreign exchange student from Sixteen Candles to lend recognition to perhaps the fifteenth most off-putting thing from a John Hughes film.) The lead bad guy lives in an abandoned Circuit City. The lead bad guy forgot his anniversary and also murdered his first family several years ago so it is pretty irrelevant. The lead bad guy's name on his driver's license is Dante Culpable. The lead bad guy always wants to battle when you are being dragged by a boat in inner tubes.

Visit Chris's new website christheauthor.com

Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

Things Jeff Goldblum Does

Is an experienced dog walker
Has several exotic birds that live in his home
Plays copious amounts of online poker
Knows how to speak nine languages including Pig Latin, Braille and Eye Rolling
Reads comic books
Publishes adult coloring books with themes of all 50 US states (Montana is a moose holding a shotgun and pointing at the camera like Uncle Sam. Maine is a picture of a lobster wearing a Boston Red Sox hat. Florida is a picture of an alligator riding a jet ski while shooting bottle rockets at a family of four on a fishing boat.)
Cleans his glasses several times a day
Does breathing exercises
Sits on a bench and ponders life by a pond
Cross country skiing
Watches curling and practices it in his kitchen as he sweeps
Browses, "Cardigan Tri-Weekly", one of over a dozen magazines he holds a subscription for including, "People Watching Ducks" and "Ducks Watching People"
Checks his Google Trends to see if he is doing better than Rob Lowe
Celebrates his triumph in popularity over Rob Lowe by doing a shot of double espresso and chasing it with whole milk
Believes in the supernatural
Believes he is supernatural
Pitches TV shows to the CW about his supernatural powers like, "Old Man Hipster"

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Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

A Day in the Life: Jonah Hill's Trainer

6:43 am: Considered to be the among best at their profession by Outdoor Magazine
7:14 am: Can't decide if they are doing what they were meant to be doing
8:49 am: Win the award for Best Trainer in Southern California presented by Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke
9:17 am: Get lost in a TJ Maxx
10:11 am: Read to children with terminal illnesses
10:58 am: Forget where they parked outside the Children's Hospital
11:32 am: Discover a new feelings-based diet
12:01 pm: Jonah Hill cheats on new diet because his stomach was feeling empty
12:45 pm: Bring kid to work
1:26 pm: Kid bullied by a hangry post-Crossfit workout Jonah Hill
2:19 pm: Broker a deal with North Korean leaders
3:20 pm: Deal falls through when North Korean leaders try to watch The Sitter but end up roasting Jonah Hill and the United States by proxy
3:41 pm: Text Jonah good news about calories
4:15 pm: Get a text from Jonah saying he's locked into a high stakes game of poker and just bet his 24 Hour Fitness membership, ankle weights and yoga foam roller
4:44 pm: Introduce Jonah Hill to the power of medicine balls
5:55 pm: Introduce Jonah Hill to the power of meatballs
6:13 pm: Update kitchen by adding an island, Alexa and stone pizza oven
6:30 pm: Update Celebrity Death Pool by moving Jonah Hill up the ladder a few rungs
6:57 pm: Show Jonah Hill what the steam room at the gym is like
8:00 pm: Show Jonah Hill where the cookies and cream ice cream is in your freezer
8:32 pm: Read The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway while sipping a tumbler of scotch and eating Pub Mix on their Wayfair luxury leather recliner next to a picture of them holding a 50 foot Atlantic blue marlin off the coast of Saint Martin
8:59 pm: Watch Keeping up with the Kardashians while sipping a tumbler of Mountain Dew Code Red and playing PUBG on their Separate Ways-themed Journey giant beanbag that has a picture of a piano on the wall of a shipping container and a picture of former St. Mary's guards Matthew Dellavedova and Patty Mills playing a hybrid sport of basketball, soccer and rugby called, "Mars Ball" which is Matt Damon's favorite sport to play when he is trapped on Mars and waiting for science-related things to take place in his favor
9:53 pm: Write down their short term and long term goals
10:46 pm: Beat the record for longest game of Clash of Clans while listening to Shpongle and eating some Shmore's
11:11 pm: Brush teeth, floss and wash their face before bed
11:39 pm: Fall asleep with their Converse, jeans and windbreaker on
12:00 am: Dream about playing in the NFL and listening to Tom Brady's marching orders
12:54 am: Dream about starring in Any Given Sunday and listening to Al Pacino's craft services orders (tiger shark steak with a side of surfer torso)

Visit Chris's new website christheauthor.com

Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

A Totally Honest Review of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Chris Pratt is an action star. Bryce Dallas Howard is an action star which is bizarre because she is related to Opie. Bryce Dallas Buyer's Club is a tour de force of McConaughey throwing down the AIDS gauntlet which is by far the worst gauntlet of all the gauntlets. "There should have been more dinosaurs!" - A person who really loves dinosaurs because there were like more than enough in this film, I'm all full up on dinosaurs for the next 30 months. We need a dinosaur pyramid so we know which Jurassic Park movies to watch and how many servings of each species to consume (Did you know that bearing witness to too many T-Rexes actually steals nutrients from your body and stores fat. That's why so many people are going Keto.) This is a good movie to see in theaters if you enjoy appeasing directors by going to their movies that are built to be seen in theaters. Watch out for the sequel to this film which will feature Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard moving to a lovely, cozy home on a small plot of land with a white picket fence in the suburbs from The Truman Show, adopting an adorable pair of Golden Retriever puppies and retiring from the game before being called in for one last scheme like Vin Diesel in Fast 7 or Vin Diesel when he got the call from his agent about being in Fast 7 while sipping Kombucha out of a coconut on a yacht outside the Bermuda Triangle which also what he calls his biceps because people get lost in them and also they have caused numerous ship wrecks by distracting incoming captains. The moral of the story is the director should have just CGI'd Paul Walker into this film as well because it would have made things more interesting and Reddit would go car nuts. Also we would get to hear a Wiz Khalifa song about dinosaurs which is a bit of an oxymoron because aren't all Wiz Khalifa songs really about dinosaurs if you think about it? All I'm saying is look at that T-Rex toy under this and tell me with a totally straight face that you are one hundred percent positive that it is not the basis of "Black and Yellow". Nobody can be sure, anything is possible, listen to Kevin Garnett. That should be one of the earliest lessons that kids are taught nowadays; just listen to Kevin Garnett and don't worry about the rest, everything will take care of itself, it will be your Big Ticket to success. I wonder if Kevin Garnett is a fan of red gemstones. I wonder if Kevin Garnett has visited the Garnet Ghost Town in Granite County, Montana. I wonder if Kevin Garnett has seen the show Kevin (Probably) Saves the World. I wonder if Kevin Garnett was the Kevin from Kevin (Probably) Saves the World. If Kevin Garnett was a superhero his superpower would be making bullies reconsider their lives. Also, headbutting basket stanchions. Stanchion was voted the Most Underrated Word of 2017 at the Wordies Awards hosted by Jason Bateman's character from Bad Words.

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Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

State of the Blog Announcement

Dear faithful fans, 
First of all, a big thank you goes out to all of you amazing folks who support this blog and share it with your friends and family, classmates and coworkers, and yoga instructors and yurt architects. Here's a post to pin on your office's bulletin board. 
My new website christheauthor.com will be launched this week which is way more noteworthy than whichever Tesla Elon Musk is sending into space next. I encourage you to scroll through the archives of this blog in the meantime while you avoid knocking off items on your to-do list or spending priceless time with loved ones. Please buy my book Sponge Cake on Amazon (or at least give it five stars for free, thank you in advance), follow me on Twitter @LilArneson and if you are feeling extra saucy you can Venmo me $5 @ChrisArneson8 for all the hours of free content (yeah, I'm gonna be one of those people who talks about being a content creator; also, this is all in the category of art, by the by). If you are looking for more things to read while you don't pay attention to your fantasy baseball team, check out my columns at The Sports Quotient, The Daily Evergreen and LWOS Life. Just one more thing, I promise, go ahead and donate a few bucks to my Go Fund Me campaign for What's In The Fridge?, a motivational/pop culture book that will be released on Amazon next week if you would like to be a part of its publishing. 
Thank you again for all your continued loyal support!
Cheers
Chris Arneson

Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

What's Duckie Been Up To?

Doing crosswords on a bench overlooking a lake while he feeds bread crumbs to a family of swans

Transcendental Meditation

Listening to Joe Rogan's podcast

Making home movies on his iPhone

Getting lost in YouTube video rabbit holes

Losing himself in the moment

Standing outside the Whole Foods in Silver Lake asking people to sign a petition to bring American Apparel back 

Watching Nicolas Cage movies to do research for his dissertation about the power of self confidence, random knowledge that is applicable to the problem at hand and being super dramatic all the time like even when you are just going to the dentist (Nicolas Cage going to the dentist would be a wonderful College Humor short; it is more of a mystery than a hieroglyphic describing the plot to National Treasure: Book of Secrets or Nicolas Cage trying to describe the plot of National Treasure: Book of Secrets to you over a tumbler of bourbon) 

Gazing at beautiful orange sunsets while bombing hills on his longboard

Workshopping jokes on Twitter

Sulking in a shady locker room bay full of haze produced by the basketball team's smoke machine that they use for their player introductions when they walk out to 80s power ballads

Flipping his flip up sunglasses up and down 

Looking for Snapback hats on Amazon

Tossing cards in a blue and white checkered fedora

Studying album art

Breeding alpacas on a farm in North Carolina

Training for an ultra marathon

Visiting micro breweries 

Getting revenge against everyone in high school by being super fly

Watching Fresh Prince and admiring his sense of fashion

Growing a beard, very gradually, like grass growing or the tide coming in as Matthew McConaughey prances about around a bonfire by himself while listening to Jimmy Buffett covers of Bob Marley songs and howling at the moon, the leader of a one man wolf pack and sole inspiration for Zach Galifianakis's speech in The Hangover

Working at Spencer's Gifts at the mall

Going to matinee movies by himself

Telling strangers to stop being so fake

Fly fishing in Montana like Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It or Brad Pitt in his day dreams as he sparks up on the beach

Crocheting cardigans for his Etsy store (he is also Johnny Depp's scarf dealer)

Visit Chris's new website christheauthor.com

Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

Who is Jack Black?

Jack Black is a lover.
Jack Black is a dancer.
Jack Black is a prancer.
Jack Black is a joker.
Jack Black is a smoker.
Jack Black is a midnight toker.
Jack Black is a fan of Steve Miller.
Jack Black is a renaissance man.
Jack Black is a critical ingredient in the McConaissance.
Jack Black is in the trunk of Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln.
Jack Black is a singer.
Jack Black is the name on a jacket you own.
Jack Black is a bringer of joy.
Jack Black is a rhymer of words.
Jack Black puts the soul in soul patch.
Jack Black is a Flat Earther.
Jack Black is a blackjack dealer.
Jack Black is a professional online poker fiend.
Jack Black is a sweet face.
Jack Black is a rhino in an Apple Store.
Jack Black is the Jack from the popular computer game You Don't Know Jack?
Jack Black is a Halloween costume.
Jack Black is the answer to most trivia questions in Trivial Pursuit: Jack Black Edition.
Jack Black is a boogie boarder.
Jack Black is a party game.
Jack Black is a Monopoly Chance card.
Jack Black is the inspiration for the wildcard episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Jack Black always has a sunny energy.
Jack Black only eats Power Bars, kale and kettle corn, all blended up into a weird smoothie because he likes to have fun.
Jack Black is a weird.
Jack Black is also a weirdo because he listens to Pete Holmes's podcast.
Jack Black is Pete Holmes's comedy mentor.
Jack Black is a Blue Moon on the outdoor patio.
Jack Black is Jimmy Buffett's son.
Jack Black is Kanye West's brother.
Jack Black is an element on the periodic table.
Jack Black is a spokesperson for Element Skateboards.
Jack Black is a beach roller blader.
Jack Black is the inspiration for Jack Skellington.
Jack Black is the inspiration for most things.
Jack Black is the future president.
Jack Black is a former president (of his junior college Hacky sack club, "Foot It In The Bag")
Jack Black is an answer on your crossword from this morning.
Jack Black is he who shall not be named.
Jack Black is a spell.
Jack Black is a word in the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
Jack Black is the official pronouncer of the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
Jack Black is the bullpen cart driver.
Jack Black is Phil Mickelson's caddy.
Jack Black is a walking podcast.
Jack Black gave Pitbull his nickname.
Jack Black is a cocktail; rum and Monster Energy drink.
Jack Black is an ollie.
Jack Black is a ham radio.
Jack Black is a ham.
Jack Black is a Fresh Prince outfit.
Jack Black is hail.
Jack Black is always lurking in the background of Survivor's tribal council if you just look close enough you can see him wearing one of Jeff Probst's shirts and playing the bongos.
Jack Black is a friend.
Jack Black is a dance move.
Jack Black probably wakes up in the morning and forgets that he is Jack Black for a second but then when he looks in the mirror he's like "Oh my god I am Jack Black, how can life get any better - hey where's my blender?"
Jack Black is a valet driver but the one who takes the nice cars out for joy rides like those two dudes in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, otherwise known as How To Become Friends With Your Bully, Spite Your Father And Faceplant Into The Pool So That Your Bully Friend Saves Your Life And You Two Build A Lifetime Bond That Should Actually Be A Lifetime Movie Also You Got To Skip School Which Was Pretty Sweet Even Though You Weren't Going To Go Anyway Because You Were Sick And You Also Like School All In One Day: The Cameron Frye Story, A Detroit Red Wings Fan Living In Chicago.
Jack Black has gills.
Jack Black is a Snapple fact.
Jack Black is a TV in the kitchen.
Jack Black is one of those seats at Fenway Park that points towards the Green Monster instead of home plate and everyone is like, "Yeah this place is so historic! Where are the WiFi hotspots? Also, is this a Domino's hotspot? I could use a few Marbled Cookie Brownies right now up in this old timey ballpark. Who's with me? *looks around only to realize that the game has been over for three hours and the stadium crew is playing a competitive whiffle ball game (match? This darn World Cup has my mind more scrambled than a IHOB burger. Wait, what?) on the field so you just watch that for a while and bask in the history of the place*"
Jack Black has never left Southern California.

Visit Chris's new website christheauthor.com

Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

Which Movie Is Matt Damon Better In? Interstellar vs The Martian

Matt Damon pulled off the ultimate space sneak attack when he shoved Matthew McConaughey to his (supposed) abyss in Interstellar so intensely that he was like, "Alright, alright, alright" except in a different tone than he said it with in Dazed and Confused, it was more like, "That's enough", instead of, "I'm The Situations uncle". Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that he accidentally forgot that he had those dogs in the back of his Lincoln Navigator in that commercial when he went into Whole Foods during a Los Angeles heat epidemic and they unfortunately passed away from dehydration. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that Matthew McConaughey started a competing water based charity called HtwoO.edu (it's under the same umbrella of education as Trump University). Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that they actually fought in real life and the crew had to break them up and they aren't even friends anymore and avoided each other outside of filming except when they were both noshing on shark steaks at the craft services table. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that the referee threw a flag for unnecessary roughness and he wasn't referring to either of these gentleman's five o clock stubble. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that they made a Street Fighter character for him. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that he had to sketch a series of complicated math equations and formulas on the next mirror he saw. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that he forgot where he came from and began rooting for the Yankees and other New York City sports franchises. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that he earned his spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for best sneak attacker. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that a riot broke out on the set of the movie and the boom operators totally crushed everybody. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that they got stuck on each other like he was Greg Kinnear or something. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that they are actually making a documentary about it called, "Matt About You". Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that McConaughey began pointing at things with just the tip of his thumb like his character in We Are Marshall and it just drove everyone crazy. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that they became best friends like how in Step Brothers Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly fight a bunch then become best friends then fight a bunch then become best friends in a vicious cycle that only has one possible ending; one of them passing away of natural causes. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that no one can ever trust another human being named Matt, not even Matthew McConaughey's mother who is probably a pretty cool lady. Matt Damon snuck attack Matthew McConaughey so tough that they straight up Freaky Friday'd each other so it was actually Matt Damon who you can blame for forgetting about those two sweet pups in the back of his Lincoln Navigator when he was getting tipsy on white wine spritzers at the Whole Foods bar. That's all well and good but Matt Damon was totally better in The Martian though; I mean when else do you get to have three hour Skype sessions with a celebrity? Science for the win! Matt Damon single-handedly brought the level of coolness for the general science community from a pH level of Anthony Michael Hall and Illan Mitchell-Smith (how did these two not appear in a movie directed by Francis Ford Coppola? They still have a chance to work with John Francis Daley, maybe in another Vacation sequel that stars exclusively former child stars from the 80s. Corey Feldman just perked up underneath one of his weird hoodies that looks like something that would be spotted in the Star Wars Cantina or perhaps an item of clothing presented by Demi Lovato in her Fabletics collection) to that Albert Einstein photo, yeah that one that just popped up in your mind. Whoa, did you hear that? That was the sound of Bill Nye chugging a graduated cylinder of Jack Daniels while he watches the periodic table on TV.

Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon 

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Who Won That Movie? Wedding Crashers

You might think this classic rom com (with a heavily poured dose of rom) was a battle between its two stars, lead cast members and all around bros Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Maybe you think Rachel McAdams and Isla Fisher were bomb dot com as Guy Fieri would say. Christopher Walken was good too in the intimidating, used car salesman, psychic vibes he's throwing at the rest of the cast. Christopher Walken could sell a jet ski to a guy in Nebraska who doesn't live near a lake or own a car or house. Christopher Walken jogs to the moon for his morning workout before going to Starbucks to order everyone there an old fashioned donut. Christopher Walken has the voice of an angel on acid. Christopher Walken breathes fire. Christopher Walken could stop a hurricane in its tracks with a sulking gaze. Christopher Walken should run for mayor of Hollywood. Christopher Walken is more than just a name, it's a way of life. Christopher Walken has eight magazine subscriptions still and he doesn't know how to stop them but he doesn't even care anymore. Christopher Walken eats more yogurt than his therapist recommends. Four out of five film geeks recommend Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken is a haircut that you ask for at Super Cuts. Christopher Walken was the first person to ever hike the entire Appalachian Trail. Christopher Walken should be the spokesperson for AOL. Christopher Walken still calls Myanmar Burma. Christopher Walken doesn't have a smart phone nor does he know what one is but he hates smart cars, that's for damn sure. Christopher Walken doesn't believe in time. Christopher Walken can bench press twice his weight. Christopher Walken eats pillows for breakfast with toast and almond milk. Christopher Walken swam to the Bermuda Triangle. Christopher Walken beat up Chuck Norris in a game of Connect Four. Christopher Walken has never seen Star Wars and he hates nerds so it's really not a good fit, it makes sense that he hasn't seen any of the movies. Christopher Walken watches people play video games except he's watching through their window instead of on YouTube. Christopher Walken wants to bring the Sonics back to Seattle. Christopher Walken falls asleep every night on a cat tree in a tree house while watching Treehouse Masters, his favorite show of all time, without a doubt. Christopher Walken only talks in third person and not to strangers, either. Christopher Walken was a part of the Babe Ruth trade from the Red Sox to the Yankees. Christopher Walken takes shots of motor oil. Christopher Walken doesn't like the beach. Christopher Walken walks everywhere. Christopher Walken probably donates a lot of his time and money to charity. Anyway, I would have to say that Bradley Cooper definitely Michael Oher'd everyone and won Wedding Crashers with a big assist from crab cakes and football which is obviously what Maryland does.

Visit Chris's new website christheauthor.com

Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!

Who Won That Movie? Bridesmaids

Without any morsel of a doubt, any shred of question, any crumb of concern enough to take a deeper delve into the matter at hand, the winner of this movie was obviously Melissa McCarthy and if you disagree you have probably played the computer game You Don’t Know Jack and not done well or tried to take your dog to a dog park and it was very disrespectful to the other dogs, like super rude and you got banned from the park because the other dog owners sent outraged tweets to the city or went to a Mexican restaurant not ate at least three and a half bowls minimum of chips and salsa before going to bed with a fully tummy rumbling quiet but steady roars of satisfaction about life in general but most specifically the department of complimentary appetizers. Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph are pretty good but how many sinks have they defecated in on camera? *gets a phone call from a friend who works for TMZ* I would like to apologize to all my readers but it turns out that both Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph have appeared on camera several times in which they did exactly that. Yeah, Kristen Wiig had those tiny hands on from Saturday Night Live it was pretty eye opening for all of us over here at the department, a real gut check you might say. Stan Moyer, a young kid from Queens who don’t know any better since he grew up playing dice and hustling on the wrong side of the tracks, was so flabbergasted by these discoveries that he instantly resigned from his position and moved to Peru to build houses for poor people or something. Jennifer Nettles, an eight year veteran with the agency and perhaps the best Connect Four player in the state, immediately quit her job and began traveling the country to visit bowling alleys. Teresa Weathers, one of the members of the company’s loyal janitorial staff, was so shook to her core upon the news that she decided to up and drop everything to pursue her dream of being a millionaire. 

Follow Chris on Twitter @LilArneson

Food Network Shows

World’s Loneliest Sushi Chef 

Biggest Marlin Salad

Cereal Cook Off

Best Cereal Graveyard Mix

Best Soda Graveyard Mix

Best Graveyard Mix (Spoiler alert: The Monster Mash always wins) 

Frying Pickles and Other Things

Smoothies, The Key to Happiness 

S’more To Life 

The Nutella Diaries

Cool Whiplash

Would You Like Fries With That Pizza

How Yogurt Can Make You A Better Person Through  Patience, Sacrifice and Commitment 

Sandwich Making 101

Would You Like Raisins On That?

Follow Chris on Twitter @LilArneson

A Totally Honest Review of National Treasure

Nicolas Cage looks like he trains in Steven Seagal’s dojo. This plot is about as plausible as the idea of Nicolas Cage not playing the role of Nicolas Cage in a movie. Abigail and Riley are worthy sidekicks in the movie in which Cage uttered the most famous (or maybe infamous) line of his storied career in the theater arts, “I have to steal the Declaration of Independence” then he did a little shimmy like Steph Curry after he just drained a 30 footer in the grill of someone six inches taller than him.  Nicolas Cage and Steph Curry would probably be fast friends if they met at a cool Hollywood party that Seth McFarlane sings at. The fact that this film, which is amazing by the way, got a sequel is proof that anything can happen in Los Angeles, the city of angels, buses arriving full of eager individuals ready to prove their stardom to the world and most importantly themselves, way too expensive headshots and broken dreams cast away on the beach in the form of bottles containing resumes, cover letters and both professional and personal recommendations. I would definitely recommend National Treasure to anyone who has ever considered attempting an immeasurably difficult heist that relies upon infinite factors that live far beyond the control of any person so foolish to agree to such a caper that will undoubtedly end up in some type of prison sentence or at least a slap on the wrist and a banning from Washington D.C. I would also recommend this fine feature film to any people who enjoy watching things happen on screen that kind of make sense but it doesn’t really matter because everyone on camera seems like they are having a good time and you are having a good time so it’s all good what more could you ask from a movie stop being so greedy Nicolas Cage has sacrificed so much of his soul’s energy to give you unlimited amounts of joy and laughter on the big screen you should dress up as him for Halloween next year as a way to pay homage. You should watch this movie if you are considering studying history in college because it is actually really rich in that kind of stuff like I don’t know too much about it but National Treasure seems to be pretty up to date with all their facts and whatnot. National Treasure is one of my favorite movies of all time and a classic piece of art that should be celebrated every year; I decree July 1st National Treasure Day in which everyone has the option to dress up as their favorite character or fear being ostracized by their peer group. If you haven’t seen this movie, I don’t know you and I don’t really want to get to know you and to be completely honest I don’t really know how you can live with yourself and look in the mirror with a straight face so think on that for a bit while you eat lunch tomorrow and maybe reevaluate your life and make some phone calls that you have been putting off for way too long now, make a couple investments that might pay off down the road, plan ahead for once. 

Follow Chris on Twitter @LilArneson

The Real National Treasure

Nicolas Cage attempts to steal the Declaration of Independence but ends up being the first person to ever teach a baby giraffe how to play fetch with a Frisbee. His sidekick, Riley, gets lost on the roof of the White House and has to escape with nothing more than a bag of rubber bands, a drone and an above average sense of imagination. Nicolas Cage asks Abigail, his love interest, to elope with him to Morocco where he is planning on opening a beads shop that also sells veal, trinkets and 80s movies. When the bad guys get ahold of the Declaration of Independence, Nicolas Cage becomes very determined and perhaps angrier than he has felt in his entire life other than the time Whole Foods ran out of Strawberry Kiwi Kombucha. When Nicolas Cage is being interrogated by the authorities he gets upset and attempts to flip the table over does not realize it’s one of those tables that’s bolted down so he slips and hits his head on the ground and when he wakes up he thinks he is Jason Bourne’s wild cousin that nearly ran a dude over with a golf cart at summer camp in eighth grade. But why does Nicolas Cage want to steal the Declaration of Independence you turn to your cat and ask in despair as you binge watch yet another Netflix Original show that you will no doubt forget by the next time you go to the dentist? Why would this great, classic American actor try to swipe a document so valuable to the integrity of the land he loves to be in movies and race ATVs in the Mojave desert in preparation for the upcoming Burning Man? What could possibly motivate this idol of so many lovers of movies to thieve the piece of parchment that made John Hancock a household name? Who knows. A wise elder once told a young kid looking at Snapchat or some other app that he once tried to unsuccessfully explain but gave up after several hours on his iPhone that it is not wise to try to get inside the head of mad geniuses among the likes of Siegfried and Roy, Vin Scully, the cast of Jersey Shore and, of course the main course, Nicolas Cage. National Treasure is a story of love, loss, fighting, heisting, and battling for the ultimate reward; the freedom to be who you are through thick and thin, having the Declaration of Independence in your possession and losing it to that guy who looks like he coaches curling somewhere where curling is competitive and popular enough to actually have coaches and not just drunk guys avoiding spending quality time with their family to sip brewskis at the local rink. 

A Totally Honest Review of Bad Words

Jason Bateman is a straight up savage wordsmith in this explicit extracurricular caper. Watch as the youngest son of George Bluth goes all in on a bunch of elementary school age kids like Pusha T tearing Drake apart. This movie makes me wonder if they have adult spelling competitions that I can begin procrastinating for. The reward for an adult spelling competition would be the ability to make up a word to put in the dictionary forever. Or an all expenses paid trip one of Nicolas Cage’s castles. Or a cross country ride in the side car of Tom Cruise’s favorite motorcycle. Guy Trilby, Jason Bateman’s character, is the name of a man who hunts out of season. Guy Trilby always brings homemade Kombucha over to your game nights. Guy Trilby knows the Taco Bell menu by heart. Guy Trilby hosts several YouTube antique shows. Guy Trilby has a cat that he doesn’t know the name of. Guy Trilby has a slushee machine in his living room.

Joey Tribbiani Characters

The Giggly Funeral Director

The Talkative Uber Driver

The Clueless Accountant

The Confused Waiter

The Apathetic Doorman

The Sleepy Lifeguard

The Bay Boy Who Wants To Be A Player

The Ditzy Quarterback 

The Sea Captain With A Terrible Moral Compass

The TV Game Show Host Who Doesn’t Like Talking To Strangers

The Silicon Valley CEO With A Gas Guzzler Suburban 

The Professional Golfer Who Talks To Himself More Than Is Typical

The World’s Happiest Grave Digger

The Laziest Fisherman

The Clumsiest Olympic Diver

Quaint Movie Theaters

Piles O’ Butter 

Intermission Impossible 

Reel It In

The Reel World

Reel Big Film

Projector X

The 80s Montage

Voice-over the Top 

Stop and Fandango 

Fade In, Fresh Prince 

Backlights and Sounds 

Lights, Camera, Tom Cruise

Mean Joe Green Screen

Boom Mic and Mic

Usher Cafe

Trailer Mix

The Rock Candle Scents

Baja Badass 

Arm Butter Pecan

Bald & Beautiful 

Straight Edge

Suaveness 

Hotel Lobby

Big TV

Golf Cart 

Blood, Sweat & Beers

Plaid Tiger That Attacked Roy

Celebrity Yearbook Quotes

Jack Black: “Rin tin diddily giddy up, amigos.*knocks down ship in bottle off the shelf behind him that is resting next to a prepared game of Jenga for some reason while laying down a sick air guitar solo performance*

Taylor Swift: “Who, little ol’ me?”

Macklemore: “Look at my hair.” 

Sandra Bullock: “I’m already 30 and have life insurance.”

Vin Diesel (Mark Sinclair): “Someday I’ll drive a sick fleet of cars but for now I’ll just bide my time over here by this pool of oil and old porno magazines.”

Jennifer Anniston: “I’m probably so popular.”

Brad Pitt: “I’m probably so popular and the principal’s bro so basically Zack Morris was actually based on my life, I should get royalties.”

Angelina Jolie: “My dad’s greatest role will be that of Nicolas Cage’s father in National Treasure.”

Nicolas Cage: “My shoes are made of snow leopards, Braille and Comanche headdresses.”

Lady Gaga: “Look at my hair and also everything else about my appearance and ask me lots of questions that you think will elicit more interesting responses then you just walk away feeling empty and generally downtrodden and take your dog on a walk while listening to Russ to brighten your mood.”

NBA Finals Things I Think

The NBA should just straight up dissolve the Warriors (like LeBron's hairline) for the sake of parody

Kevin Durant should give his two rings back to Adam Silver

Draymond Green should make an introductory video for rookies about how to send photos on social media without drawing attention to yourself

LeBron should run for president in 2020

Steph Curry should host an infomercial about how to shoot a three pointer 

Klay Thompson should host a podcast where he just mean mugs the mic and doesn’t say anything 

PBS should remake Reading Rainbow with JaVale McGee and his pet chinchilla as the host

Kyle Korver should go back to driving an RV around the country as he visits national parks, antique shops and wineries

Kendrick Perkins should return to the shadows of a dark alley where he does sharpens his teeth with a pick axe as he lays on a bed of nails 

Tristan Thompson should get back to trying to keep up with the Kardashians and start a beef with Kanye just because he can and he wants to get a shout out in one of his songs

J.R. Smith should do a brainstorming session on a giant map with a ton of pins and string connecting pictures cut out of magazines referring to excuses he can use for what happened at the end of game one

Larry Nance Jr. should slam dunk the frustration of the Finals into the past like a lime into a Corona

Ty Lue should keep his eyes peeled for Allen Iverson trying to step over him in line at the grocery store  

Jose Calderon should find his striped shirt and bright red kerchief because the gondolier union, Back in the Paddle, is wondering where he wandered off to during his lunch break last month