3:44 am: Elbowed by wife like Dennis Rodman (not in regards to international affairs, in regards to rebounding in the paint affairs).
3:47 am: Slapped in the face by wife.
3:48 am: Attend to crying baby.
3:49 am: Check Twitter and all four fantasy football lineups (someone is obviously in need of a lot of distraction).
3:50 am: Realize baby has pooped on cell phone.
3:51 am: Clean cell phone with sanitize wipes.
3:53 am: Coddle baby back to sleep and make sure the baby monitor is in the right place and fully stocked with AAA Energizer bunny batteries.
3:54 am: Return to the wrath of the angry wife.
5:18 am: Awoken by radio alarm playing Hotel California by The Eagles and dream of being alone in a hotel in California, getting room service delivered, watching college football and taking breaks at half times to head down to the steam room to burn off some of that nine layer dip and Sour and Cream Onion Lay's.
5:20 am: Check on sleeping baby.
5:21 am: Accidentally wake up sleeping baby.
5:22 am: Lambasted by wife for waking up sleeping baby.
5:24 am: Make pancakes and bacon with orange juice for breakfast while listening to Juice WRLD's latest hit.
5:32 am: Go outside to get the newspaper.
5:32 am: Hit in the face by the newspaper, thrown by a lady in a red Toyota Camry.
5:33 am: Realize he has locked himself outside and the spare key that is usually hidden under the rock by the door is nowhere to be found.
5:34 am: Quietly knock on front door.
5:35 am: Chewed out by upset wife as she holds the crying baby in her Baby Bjorn (Baby Bjorn Mom is a lot different than Baby Backpack Dad although when they bring their superpowers together they can clear an entire PTA meeting).
5:40 am: Enjoy pancakes and bacon with orange juice while catching up on college football news in the sports page.
5:55 am: Told by wife that they are going to the zoo that day.
5:58 am: Take an ice cold shower while listening to NPR in the shower radio which he purchased from an infomercial hosted by a disciple of the Billy Mays infomercial hosting coaching tree.
6:08 am: Feed baby apple sauce and blueberry yogurt.
6:11 am: Yelled at by wife for feeding baby apple sauce and blueberry yogurt.
6:24 am: Play with the baby in their rattle toy cage.
6:53 am: Watch the new season of Narcos while gently holding the baby.
7:17 am: Told by wife that they are leaving to the zoo so take the baby seat and baby out to the car.
7:46 am: Make a stop at Starbucks and bring the baby inside with the baby backpack because he has a name to live up to.
7:58 am: Ask for a venti iced coffee with light ice.
8:01 am: Receive a venti iced coffee with more ice than a Coca Cola served in an igloo.
8:03 am: Ask for venti iced coffee with more ice than a Coca Cola served in an igloo to be topped off after drinking approximately seven and a half ounces of liquid.
8:20 am: Go to Whole Foods with the baby in the baby backpack because he doesn't want to let his fans down.
8:25 am: Feel power of baby backpack as he peruses organic chocolate kiwi and bran muffin tops.
8:40 am: Asked by an old lady if he has been working out or eating lots of fruits and vegetables or tanning or what is giving him that illuminated glow!
8:41 am: Tell the old lady that he has just been walking around with a baby backpack everyday and reaping the benefits.
9:13 am: Arrive at zoo, sip iced coffee.
9:21 am: Wait in line while being admired by single women for being a responsible father with a baby backpack.
9:37 am: Take a picture of giraffe babies, look for backpacks on the adult ones.
9:49 am: Buy the baby a sunhat with a picture of a penguin so his little face doesn't get scorched by the sun.
10:19 am: Observe the gorillas standing with their backs directly in front of the window, obscuring the view of zoo visitors.
10:31 am: Go inside the nighttime bugs exhibit.
10:35 am: Console the crying baby who's afraid of the dark and spiders as well.
10:47 am: Sit on a bench by the jaguars (a retirement community brought their nice cars to the zoo that day).
10:58 am: Read about the history of hippos and get informed.
11:01 am: Text his adult friend (and nemesis) who doesn't have kids, leader of the Battalion of Chill Bros, with the superpowers of free time, going out to dinner on a whim and staying up to date with his streaks every single day in ESPN's Streak For Cash.
11:10 am: Do that half turn move that dads with babies in their baby backpacks do to make sure the baby is still breathing.
11:10 am: Check baby's pulse.
11:11 am: The baby was just sleeping.
11:11 am: Sigh in relief.
11:19 am: Check ESPN and fantasy football lineups.
11:20 am: Curse Eli Manning and his "Aw, shucks"-lookin' face.
11:46 am: Feed the baby pudding while the wife is in the bathroom.
12:20 pm: Hop and scurry thru bird exhibit.
12:21 pm: Put hand on left shoulder to feel a pile of Macaw excrement.
12:22 pm: Get reminded to buy tickets to see Macaw Excrement play Coachella next year.
12:23 pm: Find out that Macaw Excrement has changed their name to Feces of the Same Feather
1:12 pm: Walk by the grizzly bears and roar at them for the baby's entertainment.
1:41 pm: Finally leave the zoo and walk to get ice cream.
2:22 pm: Feed rocky road ice cream and rainbow sherbet to the baby over the shoulder when the wife is texting her mom.
3:13 pm: Get back from the zoo and collapse on the couch in exhaustion (after taking the baby out of the baby backpack, of course).
3:29 pm: Go back to watching the new season of Narcos while the baby sleeps on his chest.
4:26 pm: Doze off to a cacophony of Mexican drug lords bludgeoning each other as they joust with shanks made of mustache brushes.
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