The Real National Treasure

Nicolas Cage attempts to steal the Declaration of Independence but ends up being the first person to ever teach a baby giraffe how to play fetch with a Frisbee. His sidekick, Riley, gets lost on the roof of the White House and has to escape with nothing more than a bag of rubber bands, a drone and an above average sense of imagination. Nicolas Cage asks Abigail, his love interest, to elope with him to Morocco where he is planning on opening a beads shop that also sells veal, trinkets and 80s movies. When the bad guys get ahold of the Declaration of Independence, Nicolas Cage becomes very determined and perhaps angrier than he has felt in his entire life other than the time Whole Foods ran out of Strawberry Kiwi Kombucha. When Nicolas Cage is being interrogated by the authorities he gets upset and attempts to flip the table over does not realize it’s one of those tables that’s bolted down so he slips and hits his head on the ground and when he wakes up he thinks he is Jason Bourne’s wild cousin that nearly ran a dude over with a golf cart at summer camp in eighth grade. But why does Nicolas Cage want to steal the Declaration of Independence you turn to your cat and ask in despair as you binge watch yet another Netflix Original show that you will no doubt forget by the next time you go to the dentist? Why would this great, classic American actor try to swipe a document so valuable to the integrity of the land he loves to be in movies and race ATVs in the Mojave desert in preparation for the upcoming Burning Man? What could possibly motivate this idol of so many lovers of movies to thieve the piece of parchment that made John Hancock a household name? Who knows. A wise elder once told a young kid looking at Snapchat or some other app that he once tried to unsuccessfully explain but gave up after several hours on his iPhone that it is not wise to try to get inside the head of mad geniuses among the likes of Siegfried and Roy, Vin Scully, the cast of Jersey Shore and, of course the main course, Nicolas Cage. National Treasure is a story of love, loss, fighting, heisting, and battling for the ultimate reward; the freedom to be who you are through thick and thin, having the Declaration of Independence in your possession and losing it to that guy who looks like he coaches curling somewhere where curling is competitive and popular enough to actually have coaches and not just drunk guys avoiding spending quality time with their family to sip brewskis at the local rink.