A Totally Honest Review of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Chris Pratt is an action star. Bryce Dallas Howard is an action star which is bizarre because she is related to Opie. Bryce Dallas Buyer's Club is a tour de force of McConaughey throwing down the AIDS gauntlet which is by far the worst gauntlet of all the gauntlets. "There should have been more dinosaurs!" - A person who really loves dinosaurs because there were like more than enough in this film, I'm all full up on dinosaurs for the next 30 months. We need a dinosaur pyramid so we know which Jurassic Park movies to watch and how many servings of each species to consume (Did you know that bearing witness to too many T-Rexes actually steals nutrients from your body and stores fat. That's why so many people are going Keto.) This is a good movie to see in theaters if you enjoy appeasing directors by going to their movies that are built to be seen in theaters. Watch out for the sequel to this film which will feature Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard moving to a lovely, cozy home on a small plot of land with a white picket fence in the suburbs from The Truman Show, adopting an adorable pair of Golden Retriever puppies and retiring from the game before being called in for one last scheme like Vin Diesel in Fast 7 or Vin Diesel when he got the call from his agent about being in Fast 7 while sipping Kombucha out of a coconut on a yacht outside the Bermuda Triangle which also what he calls his biceps because people get lost in them and also they have caused numerous ship wrecks by distracting incoming captains. The moral of the story is the director should have just CGI'd Paul Walker into this film as well because it would have made things more interesting and Reddit would go car nuts. Also we would get to hear a Wiz Khalifa song about dinosaurs which is a bit of an oxymoron because aren't all Wiz Khalifa songs really about dinosaurs if you think about it? All I'm saying is look at that T-Rex toy under this and tell me with a totally straight face that you are one hundred percent positive that it is not the basis of "Black and Yellow". Nobody can be sure, anything is possible, listen to Kevin Garnett. That should be one of the earliest lessons that kids are taught nowadays; just listen to Kevin Garnett and don't worry about the rest, everything will take care of itself, it will be your Big Ticket to success. I wonder if Kevin Garnett is a fan of red gemstones. I wonder if Kevin Garnett has visited the Garnet Ghost Town in Granite County, Montana. I wonder if Kevin Garnett has seen the show Kevin (Probably) Saves the World. I wonder if Kevin Garnett was the Kevin from Kevin (Probably) Saves the World. If Kevin Garnett was a superhero his superpower would be making bullies reconsider their lives. Also, headbutting basket stanchions. Stanchion was voted the Most Underrated Word of 2017 at the Wordies Awards hosted by Jason Bateman's character from Bad Words.

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