The Real Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard have a Dinosaur Wrangler's Dozen of archaic babies which is somewhere between eight and fourteen. Bryce Dallas Howard has a Fabletics collection that consists of primarily hiking books, watches with GPS, side fanny packs and shark tooth necklaces, ironically. Chris Pratt has a Travel Show called, "Fossil Fuel: An Archaeologist's Passion" with a working title of, "Bones to Pick". The lead bad guy used to work for Enron. The lead bad guy is a New York Yankees fan from the 90s. The lead bad guy's favorite character from South Park is Cartman. The lead bad guy wants to start a BIG 3 team with you and Bruce Bowen except you don't want to play with them because you know you won't be passed the ball and could catch a few flat tires from the former Spur also you will have to go to Big Five (official sponsor of the tournament, obviously a tremendous marketing opportunity. Don Draper just Rolexed over in his grave.) to pick up some shin guards. The lead bad guy used to be one of Fat Tony's henchman. The lead bad guy drives a gas guzzling pick up truck with a Hemi. The lead bad guy's favorite sport is soccer or futbol as he calls it, "The World's Sport". The lead bad guy stole your parking spot at the movie theater. The lead bad guy takes too many free samples at Costco. The lead bad guy waits in line for the newest iPhone. The lead bad guy doesn't wipe off the yoga foam roller at the gym after he lays on it when he is super sweaty and gets it all gross. The lead bad guy burns more calories than you by doing nothing. The lead bad guy doesn't understand the significant addition of a good throw pillow can make to a couch. The lead bad guy doesn't understand personal boundaries. The lead bad guy is not good at reading body language. The lead bad guy goes to the farmer market and doesn't even say hello to anyone. The lead bad guy is basically April's father from Parks and Rec. The lead bad guy makes fun of Jerry too much, even for Pawnee. The lead bad guy also lives in a ditch in the ground near his ex-girlfriend's house. The lead bad guy has a band and he wants you to listen to their demo tape; like he won't stop telling you about it until you finally just say that you will check it out even though you know the truth in your back of your mind is that you will avoid it for the rest of your life. The lead bad guy tips like a Millenial. The lead bad guy texts you even when you are under the same roof. The lead bad guy doesn't like eye contact or sharing feelings or respecting you as a human being. The lead bad guy makes Darth Vader look like a John Candy character (Uncle Buck would be twelve times better if John Candy was wearing a mask with a vacuum in it or whatever sorcery which he who shall not be named has concocted; wait, wrong evil guy in a massive Hollywood franchise. Seriously though, when is the Star Wars and Harry Potter crossover universe going to be unleashed upon the world's unsuspecting head? Who doesn't want to see Han Solo get super upset about an offsides call in Quidditch and straight up crack his broomstick in half like Mark McGwire in the days following a steroid cycle? Who doesn't want to see Coach Yoda calmly declaring aphorisms from the sideline throughout the match such as, "Be the broom", "The Golden Snitch will follow your heart if your heart is true the Golden Snitch will be true to you" and "Mmm, above average the stick skills of a young Ronald Weasley are".) The lead bad guy never knows what he wants to order when he gets to the cash register at Starbucks even if the line is like eight people deep, don't you just get the same thing every time? The lead bad guy doesn't fast forward through the commercials when he is watching shows on TiVo which is pretty mind boggling. The lead bad guy has never finished a game of Monopoly but he always makes sure that he gets Boardwalk first. The lead bad guy had a heated debate with his neighbor over the ownership of their shared driveway until one day he buried his neighbor under their shared driveway while he was camping in his backyard with his family. The lead bad guy likes to tell you about the diet he is on. The lead bad guy listens to too many podcasts. The lead bad guy drives a Vespa. The lead bad guy is a bizarro Jason Statham. The lead bad guy has never seen Seinfeld and enjoys sharing this fact with everyone especially people who are huge fans of Seinfeld. The lead bad guy doesn't see what is such a big deal. The lead bad guy signed up to be a Big Brother but never showed up and left the kid stranded at a mini golf course in Tarzana. The lead bad guy is Johnny Fairplay's cousin. The lead bad guy is Jeff Probst's stylist and he is just messing with him by filling his closet with cargo shorts and those shirts that you picture when you think of Jeff Probst (Jeff Probst definitely wears one of those shirts and a mesh ball cap when he is running on the treadmill at the gym. Is Jeff Probst the founder of the clothing brand Life is Good? I'm just going to assume that he is and begin bringing it up as a topic of conversation at dinner parties. People will be talking about politics and I will be like, "So you guys don't think life is too good right now...But do you know who always does?" Then I will throw a teal smoke bomb on the ground and disappear into the coat rack like Homer Simpson becoming one with those hedges and everyone will be like, "Does anyone know that guy? How did he get on the guest list? Clive!" And Clive will slowly gaze up from his game of Solitaire in the butler's chambers with a look of disgust and despair sprawled across his mug as if every move he has to make is a tiny butter knife being jabbed into the top of his foot. Then Clive will straighten up his posture, clear his throat and put his game face on because these cocktail wienies aren't going to be turned down by most of the partygoers by themselves, gosh darn it! Clive's least favorite clothing company is Life is Good. Clive's eyes are deader than a house cat that just woke up from a daylong nap. Clive's eyes are less alive than Washington State University's summer orientation session. Clive would hoist himself by his own butcher knife if not for his hope of a Star Wars and Harry Potter crossover universe, a dying wish that gets up out of his bunk bed from the Titanic located next to the kitchen each and every morning, visions of Luke Skywalker with a lightning bolt scar across his forehead dancing around the bonfire that is a night of Clive's dreams which are mostly horrible nightmares in which he forgets to ask a wealthy guest if they would like a drink and one of their cohorts pours an entire Moscow Mule on his head and they all laugh until their monocles fall into their duck soup, prepared in honor of the Chinese foreign exchange student from Sixteen Candles to lend recognition to perhaps the fifteenth most off-putting thing from a John Hughes film.) The lead bad guy lives in an abandoned Circuit City. The lead bad guy forgot his anniversary and also murdered his first family several years ago so it is pretty irrelevant. The lead bad guy's name on his driver's license is Dante Culpable. The lead bad guy always wants to battle when you are being dragged by a boat in inner tubes.

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