Happy birthday Tom Cruise. God bless your motorcycle with an eagle head in the place where there would normally be a basket. God bless your spiked hair and reckless abandon with which you care for it. God bless the way that you jackhammer through life like a walking log boom, spraying the swaths of people who follow you everywhere you go with swagger mist which is Big Lots! spin off of Sierra Mist. Tom Cruise should be the president. Tom Cruise should be the president of the universe. If the aliens come (no wait, when the aliens come; are they already here? Or are we aliens? Are they disguising themselves as the cast of Jersey Shore like Kang and Kodos from The Simpsons knee (do aliens have knees? Let's just say gooey blob) deep in a reality TV kick. I can't remember ask Tom Cruise)) we should present them Tom Cruise wearing a baseball uniform, not because Tom Cruise plays baseball but because Tom Cruise
is baseball because Tom Cruise is America and baseball is America therefore Tom Cruise is baseball (a pinch hitting utility player, sure, but he is
still baseball.)(And Tom Hanks is his coach.) He is also apple pie, staring at your phone in public and letting your dog poop in airports without picking it up. Tom Cruise eats hot dogs for breakfast and tomorrow is his third favorite day of the year behind today and Christmas because he is also Santa Claus. Tom Cruise is the person who designed that decal of Calvin taking a whiz. Tom Cruise has never been on a cruise because every day is a cruise for him. Tom Cruise goes to everyone’s high school reunion (every day is like being John Cusack in Grosse Pointe Blank for him; John Cusack is Tom Cruise if he listened to The Pixies, chewed bubble gum and always looked like he just got voted off Survivor) because they all feel like they went to school with him since he is such a good actor that when you go to one of his movies in theaters your memory actually tricks you into thinking you were just hanging out with Tom Cruise and going on secret missions infiltrating complex evil databases and playing beach volleyball matches in your jeans with him and all the typical stuff that you would do if somehow lucked into spending tbe afternoon with the greatest actor in American history according to the fan club, Maverick’s Mavericks which was founded by Dirk Nowitzki and a pair of Mark Cuban’s cargo shorts.
If Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks met in a dark alley, there would surely be confusion on both parts as to what the other person was doing in said dark alley. If Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks battled in a cage match, they would halt competition before anyone got hurt to make sure that everyone would be safe and could provide for their immediate family as well as generations to come and all of their buddy Brad Pitt's litter of children.
The new Mission Impossible is going to be the greatest movie of all time (if you enjoy movies where old men karate chop other old men as they train to be the next Fruit Ninja). These are some of the things that will undoubtedly be included in the new Mission Impossible: a runaway train, Johnny Depp dressed as a Native American, flying squirrel suits, Mountain Dew Code Lead, Tom Cruise's diary, a mission that is extremely difficult and seems unattainable at the moment but they ultimately overcome its obstacles and leap over its hurdles to become a part of the greatest movie of all time, a Soul Asylum poster. These are some of the lines that will be uttered in the new Mission Impossible.
"We're going to need back up."
"There's no way out!"
"Is that the dude from Magnolia?"
"Cover me, I'm going in!"
"You're all we've got, soldier."
"Give them hell!"
*Playing with laser pointer on the wall when they are supposed to be gathering intel on the enemy*
"Are you going to finish that?" (the audience asking at the end of the movie)
No comments:
Post a Comment