Saint Nick here. Just wanted to give you all a heads up about the big holiday. It's coming up in just five short months. Five months can sneak up on ya real quick. When I was 22, I spent five months tending to an organic garden in the Cayman Islands.
It was a pretty awesome job; we had a good health benefits package and my boss, Carlos, let me take breaks to pick up shaved ice for the whole crew. Days melted away as we toiled away under the baking sun for up to twelve hours before retiring to sing Bob Marley jams and slow dance around the camp bonfire, making sweet, sweet love to the land in the process. One time, my co-worker, Juan, drank so much Jose Cuervo that he was still wasted the next morning at the organic garden. We gave Juan so much guff for that one; I remember yelling at him, "Hey Juan, you think it's five o clock already? Hey, I guess it's five o clock somewhere, am I right?" Then I high fived Maricela as we rejoiced. My days in the Cayman Islands were some of the best times of my life. If I close my eyes, I can almost smell the bevy of fresh fruits and vegetables as well as the overwhelming body odor of Juan that he was infamous for in garden circles (dare I say crop circles? No because it wouldn't be applicable to this type of gardening.) throughout the Cayman Islands.
Why am I telling you all this? Hell, I don't know maybe because I don't have a darn thing to do. My to-do list is as bare as the hand of Maricela which I perpetually high fived as we rejoiced over dishing out a sick burn to Juan once again.
What do I want from you? Nothing. Just continue being good and you might get that promotion that you have been after. Or don't be good and you might get that promotion that you have been after. Just remember that when you end up with a lump of coal in your stocking, don't come a-knocking. And that's why they call me Lil Kringle.
Holla at ya boy,
Lil Kringle
P.S. Check out my Soundcloud for lit reindeer beats (more lit than Rudolph's nose *candy cane drop*), cuts featuring Lil Drummer Boy (just Googled it and this was a Lil Kim song that came out in 2000. I'm still going to take credit for the joke though because I was only listening to some Lil Kim in first grade so I must have missed the song when I was busy trying to decide if my future career would be astronaut, lifeguard, professional wrestling promoter, Tom Cruise or all of the above.) and instrumentals of elves cheerfully putting together toys while they slowly lose their minds and question their decisions in life as they dissolve into the faceless corporate overlord known as Christmas joy.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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