A Totally Honest Review of The Incredibles 2

     This movie is without a doubt the worst marketing campaign for Google Glass of all time; worse than when Jon Hamm tried pushing the benefits of secondhand smoke for American Public Schools in the third season of Mad Men. The owl superhero made Hans Moleman look like Eugene Mirman's milkman. I think I heard an episode of This American Life on NPR about the Deavor family fortune. The Deavors should have had one of those alarm systems that foiled the break in attempt of the middle aged former professional snowboarder on TV.

     Frozone probably froze an entire village of people in New York City, a Greenwich Village of people, but I suppose it's in his name so no one should be flabbergasted except for the dozens upon dozens of people who were instantly paralyzed by icicles and straight up Han Solo'd. (Apparently the city is called New Urbem; it's almost as if New Urbem is playing another character in the movie.)

     The Incredibles 2 is basically a cartoon version of Mission Impossible - Fallout except that Tom Cruise is all the characters and their superpowers rolled into a breadwinning father, amazing friend, tremendous thespian, performer of his own stunts, both on set and in the real world, and all around one hell of a human being. Everyone in this film has great posture; the motto on set was, "No one can control your posture except you; don't let your posture control you, you control your posture." The runaway train trope was a direct Denzel rip off; he's about to give Brad Bird a gravelly speech where he is more disappointed than upset. 

     I'm 99.7 percent sure that I saw Elon Musk sitting in a self-driving Tesla in the background. This is the most woke superhero movie since Deadpool allegorically shat on Hollywood's red carpet in 2016. Who wants to see a Mayweather-McGregor-esque match up between Jack Jack and The Boss Baby? Joe Rogan will be announcing bibside, of course. 

     The short film at the beginning of the movie, Bao, made me wanna go all Modern Family and adopt an Asian baby. Dash is going to grow up to register at a Kutcher circa 2004 (when he was trying to punk America by putting on the front to be a reputable entertainer) at the least on the Bieber Punk Richter Scale. The Bieber Punk Richter Scale is actually named after Andy Richter who *VOTE NOW FOR YOUR FAVORITE END TO THIS SENTENCE BY CALLING 1-800-RICHTER* A) treated grade nine like Ryan Reynolds treats Hollywood's red carpet. B) was a real piece of Wade Wilson shat in grade nine. C) was voted Most Likely To Be A Sidekick On A Popular Late Night Talk Show by his peers in grade nine. 

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