Good evening ladies and gentlemen - we are sorry to interrupt this widely viewed rebroadcast (like, more than a Two and a Half Men rerun...I'm talkin' like Four and Three Quarters Men level ratings!) of Hurricane of Pain: The Making of Sharknado but this news story will blow your socks right off and into the dirty laundry hamper. Our top story comes to you from the Orange Leaf Zoo, which was named the "number one zoo in the United States for people who don't think that animals are more important than humans but they would still take a rubber bullet in the funny bone for a sugar glider any day of the week" by Time Magazine in 2003 (it was a very specific award season that year, I think the writers were doomsday prepping for the strike), where visitors have witnessed what many will likely tell their grandchildren was without a doubt a legit miracle (but let's be brutally honest here, you could pretty much tell those kids anything and they would believe it - tell them that you went to elementary school with Michael Jordan and beat him in one on one in third grade, heck tell them that you WERE Michael Jordan until the operation!) and maybe one of the top ten moments in their entire lives if the whole shebang was whittled down by Nick Offerman to a single sixty minute Sportscenter episode, minus the commercial spots so more like a forty two minute episode of Sportscenter, maybe two years for each minute if you are lucky at the end of the day. (Allow me a brief sidebar if you would be so kind: Who would you choose to host your life's episode of the hit ESPN show and the thing that the supermajority of dads have reported to LOVE watching, almost as much as golf? Spout off this question to your coworkers in order to spark a heated debate at the next water cooler session when y'all are all done gabbing about the latest and greatest fully baked item being presented to the public by the top dogs running the show over there at Netflix headquarters (which is actually located inside of a screensaver, somehow)? A particularly bold penguin decided to buck the odds and defy the laws of Mother Nature as well as those of its own mother and the trusty Orange Leaf Zoo Employee Handbook (which contains all seventeen hundred laws, bylaws and trilaws in the greater zoo metropolitan area) by doing what pretty much everyone and their mother, even the bloody Pixar universe has deemed thoroughly impossible (although Kevin Garnett was not too shocked by the day's turning of events; when the notice of the groundbreaking (or airbreaking, depending on how you slice the pizza pie...sorry, I am just straight up craving pizza, like always, it's rough out here - I have been steady chipping away at a cheese deficit for the last three weeks solid) news popped up on his iPhone's top stories, customized by the The Big Ticket's mild obsession with Antarctica, being that KG is not surprised by much these days (other than the occasional wicked surprise birthday party that comes about once a year and some of the years his friends don't even do it at all but they don't tell him that they aren't going to do it so it's a surprise non-party if you look at it like a weirdo) to his beliefs about what is and is not possible that he has spoken about to the media after winning a ring). The Orange Leaf Zoo Employee Handbook is known in animal circles as the phone book of rule books so it is nothing to sneeze at but also please don't sneeze at the animals, the zookeepers don't want them to catch a cold then they have to feed tomato soup to a baby orangutan and read bedtime stories to a kangaroo...well, on second thought maybe the zookeepers DO want you to sneeze at the animals because that sounds like a five star movie on the Hallmark channel, all day, throw the season pass on that gem of a film.
While a bored zookeeper zoned out and nearly nodded off in a random, disgusting trough, losing her mind and having fallen into the well of a thousand exhibit stare (not to be confused with a thousand Xzibit stare, which so many viewers of MTV in the mid aughts tried so desperately to cope with but most of them failed and ended up installing a custom vending machine stocked full of every single edition of the Madden video game next to the frozen yogurt and fortune teller combination machine (a FroYo, FoTell machine if you are in the biz) in their decked out hippie Volkswagen bus), an unbelievably breathtaking goddess of a creature rose up from the depths of despair and took flight despite what all her friends and family and teachers told her about her wings being just for show, kind of like Christmas lights on a house (except in the neighborhood in Christmas with the Kranks) or an exotic belt buckle from a faraway land that you got on a cruise when you re-upped your Parrothead membership and cashed in your stash of Tiki Tokens that you accrued every time you used your official Margaritaville blender, every time you played a Jimmy Buffett jam on Apple Music (or politely asked Alexa to pull up a cheap beach chair and a Yeti cooler) and every time you went to the gym in flip flops (and I am NOT talking about the sauna...have you ever dropped a dumbbell on your pinky toe?... Well, how big of dumbbell did you drop on your pinky toe?... Let's just compare pinky toes; we'll call it by toe.) Our zookeeper friend, the one who went from being the most bored person on the Animal Planet to a poor individual who could not bring herself together enough to scoop up all her marbles, looked skyward as a drop of ice cold water dripped on the bridge of her nose, falling delicately from the belly of the airborne, well-dressed beast. If you were one of the attendees at this afternoon's session of Bingo with Bears, a charitable event that is held each year after the Chicago Bears are finally and thanklessly, once and for all eliminated from competition but not from the hearts of their beloved Windy City faithful, consider yourself fortunate that you were able to view this lil side show for free.
That is all from Open Window Studios and we will now return you to your originally scheduled programming of the latest installment of the critically OK'd eight part mini series, Starbucks Without WiFi: A Real Life Horror Story. I have been Karen Mendosa...good night, my flightless friends.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
No comments:
Post a Comment