The familiar whammy of a shotgun clanged in the backdrop as Cletus sprinted for the emerald tinged foothills that were sprinkled with shrubs and a variety of woodland creatures of differing levels of feist.
"Sue Ellen! Start the car, Sue Ellen! We gotta go, we gotta go right now, Sue ELLEN!" Cletus shouted out to an ominous silhouette of forest, a steady rumble of earthly growls ringing out.
"I'm comin' baby, hold up, I'm a..."
*WHAM*
The burgundy Oldsmobile rammed into the base of a tree with the impact of several thousand Razor scooters. Sue Ellen came spilling out of the driver seat with the force of several thousand Heely shoes. Then Cletus came bounding for the vehicle with the magnitude of several thousand hoverboards (only the ones from Back to the Future II, of course).
"Honey, honey, honey, oh my gosh are you OK? Are you alright, baby doll? Please, God, please tell me you are going to be fine, that everything will be good in the end..." Cletus cried out to the heavens as he knelt down beside Sue Ellen's unconscious body, a corpse in waiting and a new member of the Grim Reaper's top eight friends on MySpace (or MyCoupDeGrace if you are a fan of soccer players (or as you would call them, FUTBOL players) who have an affinity for using their titanium bald skull as a tool for headbutting opposing players (and only on the biggest stage of the sport or of any sport for that matter other than probably the Super Bowl or as you would call it, the American Football Ultimate Match, not a friendly but a real match, although the loser is relegated to a vacation at Knott's Berry Farm, and not even during Halloween season when it metamorphoses into Knott's Scary Farm and all the ushers just pelt you with handfuls of Reese's Pieces while you are on the roller coaster) who are talking trash about their mother's level of education as well as putting that iron noggin to use for other routine household chores like cleaning out the gutters and opening the garage via repetitive bashing when you can't find the opener).
In an instant, Sue Ellen's figure began twisting and turning like it was winning a heated match of Twister against an exploitative Hollywood executive. Tiny bubbles of foam began emerging from her mouth, each one seeming to clog her throat even more until it all stopped. Everything stopped. Sue Ellen's figure stopped twisting and turning and the tiny bubbles of foam stopped emerging from her mouth, buoyed by her tongue that seemed to have a mind of its own. Cletus stopped wailing and his expression transmogrified from pure terror to pure shock and awe.
Without warning, Sue Ellen's body began levitating towards the heavens or in the general direction of its original home, if you will. Cletus, not knowing what to do or ever having faced this kind of earthly scenario, grasped her ankle, the one with the anklet that she has been collecting charms for since before she even knew what an anklet was (or before anyone even knew what an anklet was - they're a pretty new invention, aren't they? Let me go to Starbucks to check the latest copy of The Feet Beat.) Slowly, the two lovers began rising towards the skies just as the clouds started to part and a beautiful blue hue was revealed to the world. As Sue Ellen and Cletus passed through the varying levels of brush thickness, they bid adieu to all the little chipmunks, squirrels and owls who were gathered in the Woodland Creature Gallery which is the most polite gallery in all the land, even moreso than those nice folks at the Masters who help those golf balls get in the hole. Then the two lovers passed through the cloud, revealing all those terrible photos that you deleted off your iPhone many blue moons ago. Even farther North (North means up, right?) they climbed until they reached the pearly gates, the zenith of Bill Gates's charitable foundations. Waiting for them at the pearly gates was a giant man, probably standing taller than the tallest building in North Dakota, with an enormous white beard and crystallized, snowy looking silk robe. Beside the giant man was a gorgeous woman, probably the most gorgeous woman who has ever strolled a stroller.
"Welcome home, Cletus and Sue Ellen." The gorgeous woman said, but really the words kind of just oozed out of her lips like molasses.
"Wait...how do you know our names?" Cletus said as he gave a sideways glance to his lover.
"We see everything. We know everything. We are everything. We are love...and you are too." The gorgeous woman said, but really it was more like a whisper of a weeping willow.
Gradually from behind his back, the building of a man (or The Building as he would be called on Game of Thrones) pulled a hunking mason jar of brownish liquid out from behind his back as the gorgeous woman did the same thing with a similar mason jar containing a liquid.
"Is that...Could it be...Really? Is that our latest batch of moonshine? Sunshine Moonshine?" Cletus queried with a quiver in his voice as the corners of Sue Ellen's mouth curled to make the slightest of Joker-esque grins.
The Building and the gorgeous lady simultaneously took huge swigs of their respective mason jars full of Sunshine Moonshine and both were like, "Ahhhhhhhhh".
"Yes, my pencil mustachioed friend. This is your latest batch of Sunshine Moonshine." The gorgeous lady pronounced in a dramatic fashion like she was announcing that La La Land had just won the best picture award at The Oscars.
Sue Ellen and Cletus's eyes morphed into water fountains as they held on to each other in the tightest of embraces, tighter than that of a baby's cling to their mother in the millisecond prior to being placed on Santa Claus's lap for a picture. They held on to each other for the remainder of the Earth's existence before it exploded into a fiery ball of fury in the year 4200, an explosion so explosive that it took both Heaven and Hell with it as well as everything in between which is everything that has ever been and everything that ever will be.
And so it was.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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