*Coach Pop slowly rises (for dramatic effect because Coach Pop is also the head coach of the Avengers so he knows how to show off what he's got for the camera (you know, like metaphorically making out with the lens and all that jazz and also I should mention that you should make the journey to Utah (in other words, take the Trail of Low Alcoholic Beers) if you would like to check out the birthplace of jazz) and how to use a light saber too) from his table in the back of the banquet room and clinks his spork (the same one that he got from Taco Bell when he ordered a pintos and cheese which comes in that lil Styrofoam cup that a seagull might choke on) on a collectible San Antonio Spurs travel coffee mug that Jason Segel might bring on a pleasantly quaint roller blade trip down any boardwalk he runs in to, wrestling at least a slice of the attention pie chart of most of the attendees at the reception dinner for his best man speech*
Todd is not only my brother from another mother but he is also my best friend til the end and an amazing individual that I hold dearly in my heart and always will until Beth finally does us part (Beth is my annoying step sister who is always trying to hook up with my old college buddies - she is the first female to ever go streaking through the quad after the big pep rally in the gymnasium). Despite what his neighbors may claim, no matter how Scroogey they may make him out to be, he was always the most festive person in the cul-de-sac when it came to this time of the year and he always let a gaggle of geese loose near the neighborhood pool on the eve of every Christmas Eve. One holiday season stands out in particular - it was the eighty eighth year of the twentieth century and all was well in the Shady Tree Estates or at least all was well until it wasn't which is very soon thereafter on the timeline of this particular story. You see, back when Todd was in his candy cane twirling heyday, Shady Tree Estates was evenly split in half, with a Berlin Wall made of mistletoes in addition to the remains of Frosty (his carrot nose was actually a major load-bearing instrument in the architecture of the whole thing, making it the Christmas equivalent of the middle block on the bottom level of the Jenga tower). On one side of the Great Mistletoe Wall, the blocks were lined with houses made of gingerbread, there was an enormous snowman standing proudly in the front yard of every home (or snowwoman or snowthey or whatever floats your hydroplane and helps it to win the race on Lake Washington at the Seattle Mariners game - I used to think that the winner was determined by whichever color was cheered for the most! Now I am a writer after taking a brief detour from a Foley career path (the path with the most crinkly tree branches of all the paths) but my many piles of yet to be popped bubble wrap will always be waiting for me at the Public Storage a couple towns over (I think that is actually the whole name of Public Storage...it gets real confusing when you start to dive into the semantics of the whole thing) - I was actually the first person to ever be rejected by Storage Wars other than that lady from Tallahassee that they did a 60 Minutes on who was hiding the infamous Tallahassee Ring of Illegal Cat Colonies from the feds or the AC (you know, the Animal Control not the Air Conditioning...don't even get me started on what might happen if those kitties didn't get their air conditioning in that house...I don't think there are enough pages on the internet to allow the space for that overzealous rant but let me just ask my buddy, Pete Jobs, I think he knows a thing or two about data chips - that storage unit made a regular, recently used litter box look like a beach on Hawaii Five-0 or a beach somewhere that would be a regular vacation destination for my buddy, Pete Jobs.) and a gumdrop in every mailbox (and a gumdrop in every book return drop box at the library). This side of the Great Mistletoe Wall was known as The Good Side, you know, kinda like that show that everyone loves now, The Good Place, and with the same amount of former stars of the hit sitcom Cheers (Woody Harrelson holds down the hut in a banana tree fort that shares the driveway with a subleased yurt.) On this side, there was a big sign on the Great Mistletoe Wall that read Welcome to The Good Side: Where the present moment is a runaway train and you can hop on board whenever you are ready if you just use your ticket which is a tablespoon of laughter, a handful of empathy, a dusting of joy, and a cup of common courtesy and don't you ever forget that, no matter where your travels may take you I want you to keep this huge sign in your heart forever.
On the other side of the Great Mistletoe Wall, the blocks were lined with stockings that were stuffed full of coal, there was an enormous inflatable satan (or Antichrist or Angel of Darkness or whatever floats your raft made of tree limbs, bamboo and your own tears as you try to escape that island and are also busy growing an epic beard that Tom Hanks will rock once more when they someday do a Celebrity Survivor TV show and he obviously wins because who doesn't love that dude; dude is America's crossing guard. Dude uses a Margaritaville blender and isn't even a Parrothead. Dude gives a Christmas card to his barista and he doesn't even drink coffee or celebrate the holidays. Dude is the favorite actor of Pete Jobs. Dude has never been outside of California.) and the severed head of a gingerbread man in every mailbox (and the rest of his body in every book return drop box at the library). This side of the Great Mistletoe Wall was known as The Foul Side and also had a towering yellow pole that indicated such and divided the territory between fair and foul (or in this case, good and foul, but pretty much the same idea if you catch my drift (also, there will be a three hundred dollar reward if you catch my drift, dead or alive - just kidding, you only get the reward if it is alive - but seriously, that would be the most goth lost cat sign on a telephone foul pole ever though!) On this side, there was a medium sized sign on the Great Mistletoe Wall that read Welcome to the Foul Side: Where garbage goes to die, the electric chair for flowers, the guillotine for good, catapulting good feelings since 1972.
Todd lived on The Good Side and his evil half brother Tim lived on The Foul Side. The big event to which I am referring is the huge annual Shady Tree Estates Turkey Bowl which is actually broadcast as a public access television show in the greater Creekpool metropolitan area. Todd was always the captain of The Good Side's team, whose name was the Cookie Cutters and mascot was an Elmo who was wearing an old school leatherhead helmet like George Clooney in that movie, Ocean's Eleven (what, you don't remember the part where they are pulling off that heist of the casino and the Cloones is running off with the green sack with a big dollar sign on it and accidentally rams his noggin' straight into that random pillar because the eye holes on his lil' cat burglar mask were shaped like Monopoly game playing pieces then had to wear an old school leatherhead helmet for the rest of the movie as per the doctor on set's orders?) That was the best part of the entire Ocean's tentpole franchise (Ocean Tentpoles to hold up your water trampolines are now on sale at REI or your local farmers market or Public Storage A Couple Towns Over!) since Billy Ocean became the official singperson for Uber (they have spokespeople so why don't they have singpeople? Call and leave a harmonious Weird Al-listic voice mail for your local congress singer to have this injustice corrected immediately.) Todd's evil half brother, Tim, was always the captain of The Foul Side's team, whose name was the Cookie Monsters and mascot was a Steampunk Elmo, so basically like Johnny Depp but instead of just scarves, he is just wearing a brand of scarves that puts out a strong WiFi signal and instead of transitional glasses, he is wearing a welding mask that puts out a strong WiFi signal.
So the Turkey Bowl was about to be set to kick off and both Elmos were in their proper positions on their respective sidelines (but they were both being extremely disrespectful, respectively) and everything seemed like it was good to go, shake and bake, yada yada yada, just about all ready to pop that pigskin sucker it in the oven and let that bebe burn. The only problem was that the coin toss appeared to be in jeopardy. Against the official regulation standards set by the Holiday Sports and Leisure Association of America (which is otherwise known as the HSLAA or the HSL double A around the water cooler and/or vending machine cafe at the Holiday Sports and Leisure Association of America headquarters which is kitty corner to a Dairy Queen on the outskirts of the Tulsa adjacent suburb, Billymines, Oklahoma), it happened to be one of those coins that just has a picture of Elmo on both sides except one is just a picture of an Elmo with a cool lil' hat like Amelia Earhart and a pair of old school pilot goggles (like you would see at a flight simulator at NASA headquarters or in a Pixar movie depicting that much - think Up but with less sad audiences from the first ten minutes and balloons and houses that fly cuz balloons) and we call that one Aviation Elmo and the other is a picture of an Elmo with a cool lil' tail and we call that one Furry Elmo (you know, this coin is like the kind of knick knack that you would get at an antique Elmo pop up store in Brooklyn (along with Knick Elmo, of course, the only Elmo that has actually been choked by the actual Reggie Miller), or at an Etsy shop run by a single mom organic coffee shop owner or by using your Amazon Prime account, somehow, it might be on Neflix too, like everything is on there, right? They have collectible coins on there, right? I just binge watched all fifty state quarters being rained down on someone's parade and it happened to be the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade because Turkey Bowl.) So the referee was tossing the Elmo coin in the air and it landed on Aviation Elmo but that was just the beginning of the controversy. Todd called Aviation on the toss and Tim called Furry so Tim came flying (haha get it? I just got points from a now defunct late night comedy game show. Points!) off the sideline like a friggin' kamikaze, ready to give the referee and his brother everything he had. And that is when H-S-L-Double A...no, just kidding that is when H-E-Double Rolled Up Posters Of The 90s broke loose.
By golly if the referee wasn't our old friend and my bestest buddy, the one and only great ol' Pete Jobs and if he didn't just go and muck it all up. You see, Pete Jobs has had a long storied history with the local branch of the Italian mafia. This time, they paid him well and if he didn't go and muck it all up, well.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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