Thursday, December 27, 2018

A Totally Honest Review of Crazy Rich Asians

Both splashy and dashy, plushy and fussy, a brilliant arrangement of real estate moguls and wanna be real estate moguls. If HGTV was a movie, it would wish that it could capture the screen and flaunt what its got like this flick. CRA'z manages to be punny and also pretty phunny at the same time. Imagine if the most interesting man in the world had a baby with a lady from a Corona commercial...now you're on the right track, my amigo. Now continue down this imagination path in considering if that baby went on to study computer science at Princeton or Harvard or one of those hotbeds of academia...you just hit a bulls eye and won the World Darts Championship: Singapore edition. And what about putting your own family ahead of your personal passions...Oprah is gonna be pissed when she sees this one. Don't get lost in the cloud on this beaut as CRA'z is basically iPhone the movie (no offense, Tangerine...but anyway, speaking of Tangerine, I'm going to name one of my books Tangentrine...that is all for now.) or at least Apple must be paying a hefty price to get all that screen time...selfies have been elevated to an underappreciated and oft overlooked art form in this low stakes and even lower pay off tromping. Have you ever found yourself liking a movie or a book or a TV show or something and asking yourself why you like that thing and never being able to quite figure out why you like it? Yeah well, that is what it is like for me and Crazy Rich Asians except for the liking it part...just kidding, it wasn't that bad, but it was kind of like if a screensaver was a movie, but like a really interesting screensaver that your dentist's receptionist would have at least. Everyone can't sit in first class or it wouldn't make first class as cool anymore and let's be honest; CRA'z is not first class material, folks; whoa, I just got possessed by a judge from a bad 80s talent show show. CRA'z is kinda like an alternate universe in Back to the Future II - like what would happen if Marty McFly's parents actually cared about his grades and future and that kind of stuff..maybe they did, heck I can't remember, it's all a jumble, all those 80s movies are like one big montage of a group of friends running barefoot on a beach and chasing after a kite that came from a drifter, but George McFly is kind of like the real life Ned Flanders so you never know, you just never know, but you do know one thing which is that at the end of the day, we're on to Cincinnati. And I can already hear you shouting at your desktop computers and getting ready to stuff my P.O. mailbox with hecka snail mail about my hockey coach with an addiction to his whistle tough love and professional E sports athlete level of emotional withdrawal (which is the highest level you can reach in the game of life which is both the most expensive and the cheapest game out there on the market) with CRA'z and I just want to say one thing...it's not your fault, CRA'z...it's not your fault. 

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