Margaret and Jim wind sprinted as if they were auditioning to be extras in a movie about the Olympics as the final bell for the departure of the cruise rang out in a loud, obnoxious manner that could only indicate a certain level of snobbishness. They were late yet again, for another thing, but then again that was nothing new for the couple that was often held back in a wide swath of facets of their beautiful life together by their lack of appreciation for the almighty hands of time or otherwise known and better represented as Sacha Baron Cohen's character in that new Alice in Wonderland movie. There was the time that they were late for their jet ski rental appointment so they still haven't gotten to experience the thrill of jet skiing around Lake Tahoe (which would have been breathtaking). There was the time when they were late for their stand up paddle board rental appointment so they still haven't gotten to experience the sereneness of stand up paddle boarding around Lake Tahoe (which would have been awe inspiring). There was the time when they were late for their zip lining appointment so they still haven't gotten to experience the spine tingling fear of zip lining over Lake Tahoe (which would have been particularly difficult for Jim due to his crippling fear of heights that he has dealt with ever since he grew up sleeping on the third level of a tri-tiered bunk bed because he was a triplet and drew the short straw on the big day of the bunk bed level assignment which was the most important day of his life up to that point)...Basically, they missed all of their appointments for adventures in nature during their vacation in Lake Tahoe because they were having too much fun playing their new favorite board game of all time, Ticket to Ride - also, there cabin didn't have any clocks for some reason (it was like the opposite of Doc Brown's lair in Back to the Future), so that was a minor roadblock for the time-challenged duo to overcome as well.
"All aboard the Floating Barnacle, greatest ship in all the sea!" A captain who looked like he belonged to box set of figurines that you might find in a gift shop located in the base of a lighthouse or maybe at a garage sale adjacent to a bustling lagoon. His cap was askew, just so, so as the sunlight would not blind him but everyone would still be able to catch a glimpse of his often discussed and highly unavoidable eye patch (Hot Topic should release a casual eye patch, though, you know for when you want to just sort of hang out on the plank instead of straight up walking the whole thing or if you ever want to attempt to rob a bank while wearing an eye patch...you can contact me via message in a bottle if you are a Hot Topic exec - thanks y'all), the same one that made him the heartthrob of so many Pirates of the Caribbean fan fiction writers in his halcyon days of parrot yore.
There might as well have been a finish line tape for Margaret and Jim to sprint right on through (while holding up a single finger to indicate, in celebration, that they are number one) as they approached the eye patched captain, wheezing and groaning, hocking more loogies than a whole baseball team put together (without a doubt, the worst off-Broadway play of all time).
"Top of the mornin' to ya... Captain Mo." The eye patched captain offered the couple with a toothy grin and a penchant for politeness as he extended his hand in greeting. Years of soot had thanklessly burrowed their way South of his fingernails so that they were left with a yellowish tinge that would make even the heartiest of travelers throw up in their mouth just a lil bit. In a cool hipster turning of the rudder, the eye patch that Captain Mo was wearing was made by Ray Bans, a nod to the ease with which corporations assimilate into our everyday lives and make us forget that we even lost an eye in an extremely painful incident that ended up on the front page of TMZ's nautically themed sister network when a snapping turtle attacked us because we were infringing on their turf (an area that was well-defined in the mind of the animal but a line in the sand that was fuzzier in Captain Mo's vision, especially in the immediate aftermath of the event when he only had access to half of his original vision)...The good news is that Captain Mo has become a FaceTime favorite of many of his friends as they utilize him as a sort of anti Santa Claus figure of lore to try to spook their kids into just going to bed already (this little trick works especially well when they are staying up late to watch Sponge Bob or Gilligan's Island or another show about the sea).
Margaret and Jim smiled back at Captain Mo and jokingly introduced themselves as, "The Late Couple", which induced a hearty laugh from him as his belly expanded and deflated, moving in and out with the tide just like the rest of his life, which he only defines in water-themed metaphors. As the three new amigos walked on deck, the Late Couple observed the brilliant design of the Floating Barnacle and gave each other a little insider look that indicated that they had finally, once and for all determined that it was, in fact, the greatest ship in all the sea.
The steady hum of elevator music rattled in the halls of the deck as passengers began to mingle about, tossing one liners only heard in the movies at each other like samples of cocktail shrimp. The Late Couple were all but the bell of the ball as they danced and pranced and straight up did that Dirty Dancing move without even missing a beat (almost as if they had been practicing it in a local hole in the wall auxiliary gym for an hour every Tuesday night at approximately 10:15 pm after they had just got done watching that week's second episode of Dancing with the Stars and were appropriately hyped for that night's dance sesh), much to the chagrin of Captain Mo, who was reported by a hard working busser (who was taking a break to have a sip from an iced lemonade that was in a glass that actually somehow had more ice in it than lemonade, like literally... I'm about to send Bill Nye some snail mail and let's get to the bottom of this - someone put on a cup of coffee...no ice) to have been seen seething in the background as he sat cross-legged in the shadows and played dice while experiencing intermittent bouts of aimlessly staring off in the distance and silently praying for more attention (much deserved in his shallow opinion, albeit 'twas given to him in regular doses for much of time) to be offered by the crew and the rest of the gang. So as you can tell, everyone (well, everyone except Captain Mo, that is, good ol disgusting Captain Mo) was having an amazingly fun time, it was kind of like they had all accidentally stumbled into a portal that had somehow, brilliantly, transmogrified them into the universe from the Great Gatsby (the one with Jay Z because this was a particularly hip assemblage of travelers on the ship today who are primarily middle aged and elderly but they still use Apple Music because they read about it in a brochure at the post office). As the Floating Barnacle pushed off to sea (and by sea I mean the icy shores of Lake Erie), it was pretty much rocking, like this boat was straight up rockin' so you better be a knockin' (because you don't want to rudely barge in on the always crucial cribbage tournament that will be in its suspenseful midst, without a doubt), you could have gone so far as to label it to the Flying Barnacle or maybe even the Flying Dutchman if your creative juices are nearly out of stock.
All of a sudden, the indistinguishable sirens of the Floating Barnacle began to sound off. The masses of people began streaming for the exits, pushing each other out of the way in an extremely violent and unpleasant manner just for the chance to get off that dang ship. But what could they possibly be running from? Lifeboats were flung over the edge and into the sea with great ferocity, toeing the line of being tossed with malice in the heart of the tosser until you remember the great deal of stress that has just been heaped on this individual who probably hasn't had this much pressure on them since they biffed an easy three hopper that would have won their team the city championship and the principal announced them as Bill Buckner a few weeks later at graduation (for some reason I feel like Sam Elliott is the mustache that Bill Buckner dreams that he could be one day, like the kind of mustache that you would see on a post card in the back of a bookstore on the campus of a quaint college in New England, the kind of mustache that stops beer trolleys right in their tracks, the kind of mustache that shouldn't even be called a mustache - it is that good, so good that it deserves a different name and a distinct category altogether, let's call it a lip beanie or maybe nose socks or maybe a partial face warmer).
It turns out that the thing that everyone was running from was something that was very frightening and life threatening indeed - 'twas a small family of rhinoceroses who were slated to be the big finish of the big annual Floating Barnacle Talent and Animal Show that was set to kick off that night at seven, after the big cheesecake judging and eating contest that was set to tip off at six. Luckily, pretty much everyone escaped the wrath of the scary beast of an animal...save for our good ol friend, Captain Mo, unfortunately. In a terrible series of events, Captain Mo was trying to outrun one of the baby rhinos when the Mama Rhino jumped out from behind a vending machine and flat out surprise attacked the poor ol cap'n. Captain Mo was gobbled up like a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos sitting out in the open at a late night Halo party gaming sesh that was purchased from the same vending machine that the Mama Rhino so stealthily staked out for a duration of over seventy two hours, chomping at the bit while waiting to strike back against the bald-faced spirit of her mortal enemy.
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